Inheritance First Impressions and Prologue

Sweet hell this thing is huge. I forgot how fucking large Paolini makes these damn things. The last two I did were digital format and it’s been a little while since the first book that I haven’t hefted one of these in awhile. I’m already starting to regret buying a hardcopy. I did it because I can at least sell the hardback and recoup a few bucks. Considering that the digital copy has zero resale value that puts me ahead in the dollars department.

Right off I stripped the jacket off, as you can see. While I’ll be forced to carry this doorstop around, I don’t want to engage in conversation with one of his poor misguided fans and convince them that they’re about to make a new friend.

I had that happen to me once when I was reading Twilight at work. A lady passing by saw this and had to stop and enthuse about the series for a few minutes. Being as she was a customer I was a hostage that sat there agreeing until the scary woman went away, leaving me to feel a deep sense of shame and disgust. I’m not letting that happen again.

The same goofy dragon design which makes them look more like a cross between a Wild Thing and a monkey. At least the green dragon on the front has the good sense to appear embarrassed. Almost as if it’s saying ‘Oh, hello. Sorry about this crappy fantasy story business. On behalf of all mythic creatures everywhere I offer my deepest apologies. Again, sorry.’

Inside the front and back covers is a map of Alagaësia. And it’s quite a traditional fantasy map done in a single color ink to make it look aged. A problem I’ve never  tackled with this is that it’s not an island. And you might be saying, ‘And?!’, to which I reply, shut up Chris, I’m getting to it.

See, these maps like this are always like a map of Europe in that there’s some coastal land but it all seems to be part of a larger mass. Well what’s outside of the edge of the map? At the north, south and east parts of the map there’s room for more world. I’ll pretend that the north is empty except for the elves and that the south is empty except for the swarves if Chris like but that still leaves the east. Are there people there? Cities or cultures? You’d think this would come up what with the existence of a defunct airguard in the form the dragon riders. But Chris doesn’t have any imagination so he treats it like the edge of a page. The map ends there and so does his imagination.

Oh, and the jacket copy in the back leaf says Chris was “inspired” to write by fantasy. Also, he draws inspiration from the natural beauty and “tumultuous” weather of Montana. Wow, that’s so insipid you couldn’t cover it up with any amount of spice.

We begin in earnest with a prologue titled “the beginning: a history of eragon, eldest and brisingr”. Which is exactly what we need, because anyone who picks this up hasn’t been following along already. Maybe he’s just offering some back story in case someone grabs it thinking it’s a book on how to invest and protect your inheritance. ‘Hmm, so if I get a dragon it can ensure my children get my sword and any allotted memories. Good to know.’

So it says that the dwarves warred with the dragons and then the elves showed up. And Chris has decended into nakedly licking the boots of elves as he says that they elves were more powerful than the dwarves and the would have destroyed the dragons just as the dragons would have destroyed them.

Which doesn’t make sense. He’s saying the dragons and elves are equally strong in their own right but that the elves are stronger than the dwarves. Then how did the dwarves fight the dragons? Wouldn’t the dwarves have lost or been wiped out at some point? Why does this already make no sense and we’re only a page in? Do you ever proof the stuff you write Chris or do you leave it as is once your mom gives you that gold star?

So the elves made a truce and everything was cool. Then the humans showed up and then the Urgals and then the Ra’zac and then the humans entered the pact with the elves and dragons. And I kid you not, that’s the order this book has it in. Doesn’t that contradict one of the other books when they said the Urgals followed the elves across the sea?

Anywho, then Gabby became a rider and he was visited by a travelling antique salesman. And lo that very day he was infected by the vision of dolls which nested in one another like the Scout Beetle and it’s larva. Thus was born his vision to build the largest nesting doll in history…Megatryoshka!

The riders got wiped out along with the dragons except for Gabby who’s been ruling for “two-and-eighty” years until the egg was stolen from him. Then Chris explains everything we’ve already been through in seven pages. Which is funny, because that’s exactly how long I think it should have been. Allow my to further briefly summarize. If it helps, picture Jeff Spicoli or Bill and Ted relating it.

“There’s this dude, Eragon, he got a dragon and it made him awesome. So an old dude, who used to be awesome but not as awesome as the other dude, trained him until he died. The dude then went to rescue the hot babe but this Dracula guy was all ‘no, dude, she’s mine’. So the dude and him fought and the dude got a back injury which was a total bummer, bra. It meant he wasn’t going to be surfing anymore.

But then, a voice called out to the dude. And it was like, a real voice, not the kind you hear after you’ve taken some bad ‘shroom and left the phone off the hook and the lady ‘s all ‘if you’d like to make a call, please hang up and dial again’ and she sounds hot for a mom, you know? This was a voice of an elf dude who also used to be awesome and he helped the one dude become even more awesome.

And finally they did this thing where these two naked elf chicks come out and they start dancing and they’re like twins and stuff. And the one dude is like, ‘oh, hey man, like do I pay in advance or do I leave it on the table after we’re done and how much for both?’ but they didn’t put out or nothin’.

But they did heal his back injury and save him from being totally lame. Also, they made him look pretty like an elf but not in a gay way or anything and he could totally grow a bitchin’ ‘stache if he wanted and it’d be so cool like Teddy Roosevelt.

Then he went and fought with this guy who was a friend but it turned out it was his brother who worked under the bad dude. It’s not his fault though ‘cause, he’s like, under hypnosis. The brother won but took off but then he came back and left again. I think he forgot his keys or something because he kept showing up and yelling at the dude but, it was like he was embarrassed to say ‘dude, have you seen my keys?’. The dude probably hid ‘em cause that’s what I do when my bro’ gets drunk and we fight. Can you imagine if this dude’s brother got in a dragon wreck on the way home? Total downer, man.

Some other stuff happened too though. Like, the elf dude died by his dragon lived through a rock and the dude got this sword which glows like a lightsaber but it’s not like a lightsaber at all ‘cuase it’s made of metal. But it’s really sharp and stuff. Oh and they won a battle I think. It was rockin.’”

Ugh, as bad as that was it was infinitely better than Chris’s recap. It was so dry that I could feel myself getting dehydrated. Camels have died trying to cross the prose Chris has laid out. Whole civilization have been buried and lost in time under the shifting sands of stupidity. Anywho, next time we’ll get through a real chapter.

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4 Responses to Inheritance First Impressions and Prologue

  1. maeverin says:

    make a new book jacket and label it “Eviscerating People Who Ask You What You’re Reading: An Illustrated How-To Guide”

  2. mangraa says:

    I simply love the Megatryoshka running “gag” (you may be right, I dunno the ending). Pure genius. See seriously file that away for use if you ever do some sort of bizarre story… The great secret weapon…”they say it is not one, but many AND one, able to multiply and encase its foes no matter their size. Few who have seen it gave survived, and those who have give little description beyond ‘brightly coloured, empty yet full…'”

    • vivisector says:

      I rather liked that too and I have squirreled it away for later. I haven’t quite figured out what to do with it but I’ll find something.

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