Maybe this series is a practical joke. Otis wrote this bad on purpose and just shoved it through the system to see how far it would get. Then she started making bank and just kept it going. Again, another possibility that deserves exploration.
So we start off with Bella having a chat with dear old dad. Who let Chaz out of his cage? ‘Dad! Get back in your cell, this story is off limits to you now!’ Bella screamed in the shrillest voice she could manage. ‘Don’t make me make you watch Ed and I have sex! So help me god, dad you’ll wish you could burn your eyes out!’
Charles wants to come over and be in charge. Bella says he can’t because of the need-to-know company. Oh I see. Now it’s a Ludlum novel. Next Bella will have to hunt down Carlos through the streets of Paris while fighting a crippling mental condition known as Otisitis. It makes you immortal and immune to bad luck, however you lose all interest in things like life and family.
Are a group of vampires coming your way and bent on destroying your family? Well never mind that! It’s time to go hang with grandpa! Yes, Bella will willingly endanger her father in the hopes that he will be permanently deleted from the series. On a side note, Chaz makes a comment about Sue cooking for him. Yes my friends, Otis has to try and wrap up everything.
Bella and Jake argue on how to get there. Do they take the Ferrari(a nameless one like the Volvo) or do they run? Oh they can’t run because Charlie would be freaked out. Sure he once busted a drug runner who had three kilos of coke in the trunk and an AK full of armor piercing bullets. That was merely a day in the life compared to the magic of vampires, werewolves and bears(oh my!).
By the way, Bella is totally freaked out by the Romanian vampires. They’re like, so weird and junk. They have like, strange skin(not on a rock hard vamp, say it ain’t so Otis!) that’s from sitting around and watching back to back reruns of the OC and Jersey Shore. Somehow not moving makes vamps go all rock golem-y rather than obese-y.
Speaking of which I wonder if ol’ Carl has ever met a gluttonous vampire? Would they be like that fat bastard from Blade? Or would they be like they lady from Nip/Tuck that had merged with the couch? ‘Dude, let’s go kill some bums and get high on their blood.’ ‘I can’t man, I freaking stuck to the couch! Call vampire EMS!’
Of course Bella has an ulterior motive for going to visit dad. She’s going to sneak off and talk to the lawyer. Ah, I see now. Bella’s finally going to start divorce proceedings started. It’s taken this long but she’s starting down the path to recovering and, eventually, a chance at a new life.
Being as this is Twilight of course Bella has to lie about where she’s off to. If there’s one thing Otis has taught us it’s that relationships are built on secrets and lies, just like real life! Also Bella’s shield is driven by anger. Yet another page ripped from any anime/video game.
Bella drives to the address Alice left her and there are, ew!, poor people. Yes, not all of us have a fortune amassed from screwing people over using psychic powers. Some of us have to work for a living. Bella steps out of her car and is careful not to let her hands touch things lest she be infected with dirty, po’ hooman germs. Then this comes up.
The man laid his paper aside, and his clothes surprised me, now that I could see them. Under his long ragged duster, he was a little too well dressed. There was no breeze to give me the scent, but the sheen on his dark red shirt looked like silk. His crinkly black hair was tangled and wild, but his dark skin was smooth and perfect, his teeth white and straight. A contradiction.
What was a contradiction? The dark skin and white teeth? The dark skin and silk shirt? Maybe the white teeth and silk shirt. Whatever Bella’s declaration that there is a contradiction, I am confused. Is Otis a closet racist or an agoraphobic that has never been outside of the commune she was born into?
So token stereotype makes a call. Bella listens to the chatter with her super hearing and eventually token gets around to telling Jenks that it is a Cullen which causes him to curse. Why this takes two pages of meaningless dialogue is beyond me. Oh wait, there was the part where Token described Bella as supermodel hot. That way Bella’s ego gets stroked like a cat in a nursing home.
The lawyer is a pudgy guy in his fifties because hey, that’s how lawyers always look on daytime TV right? He specializes in forging papers. Bella figures this means that they can’t win and they have to make papers for the DS to run away.
Bella wants it done in a week and he says it will be extra. Instead of telling us how much it is, as Otis knows absolutely nothing of street values on fake ID, Jenks writes down a number on a piece of paper. Bella counts out that much in cash from her purse just incase we forgot that they’d stolen Bill Gates’ fortune.
Vivisector's Writ 
i’m pretty sure that the “contradiction” is the filthy coat/tangled hair and silk shirt/perfect skin and teeth. i don’t think it was a racist comment.
I love the way your mind works. Keep doing what you’re doing. 🙂
Vanessa – I second your comment. Vivisector, you are a genius.
Becky – I think you are delusional. The story has clearly by-passed an editor or proof reader and the subliminal messages are rife. Of course there is subliminal racism, sexism etc. The way the Contact (who is initially thought of as a hobo) leers at the dishrag and then comments on her obvious transformation to supermodel beauty (although I thought she was only average height, did she grow to 5’10” in her ‘transition’?; meaning that clearly she couldn’t be supermodel material – perhaps a contestant on the next season of Americas Next Top Model?). The fact that the dishrag is in the ‘bad area of the city’ (aka Da Hood) would imply an awful lot. It is naive to think Smeyer isn’t using stereotypes to portray a racism/sexism entirely her own, which will then be passed down to the entire generation of young girls who are reading these books. I refer you to: http://cameoamalthea.deviantart.com/art/The-Darker-Side-of-Twilight-107296872 for further information related to the subliminal messages in the text.
On a side note, I hope that the generation of girls (and closeted guys) who read and loved this series will soon move onto something with a little more substance. I’m hoping the lame graphic novel of Twilight will not spawn the development of an anime version (although I won’t hold my breath). Is there a way we can influence this generation with other literature… I’ve heard about a little unknown story about a young wizard which might be a winner!
i didn’t say she’s not a shit writer. she definitely is. i just think that there is a more logical reason behind the “contradiction” than smeyer being a racist. and she very well may be a racist, but it takes a very special breed of stupid to be outwardly racist in your writing, especially with a series that was already this popular when she was writing this last load of garbage.
and it’s a little more insulting that she is clearly making it out that her own religious beliefs are superior. I am fully aware that she uses stereotypes in her writing, but based on her religion and her home environment, I think that it all goes back to her religion. She’s a mormon and lives in one of the most highly concentrated mormon regions of the country. you know what else there is a high concentration of in that area? white people. there are very few people of african american decent. the biggest minority group around are mexicans. so while i don’t agree with her, i can understand how she became so delusional, aside from the fact that organized religion has obviously made her incapable of independent thought.
I am with you Becky. When I first read the “contradiction” line I thoguht becouse of the over coat and hair VS the nice suit. And Our witing is based off of our lives. She has never seen much of the world which is evadent in her writeing. I will never let my kids pick this book up ever.
To be honest, it’s quite likely and mostly apparent about the contradiction Otis mentions in the story. However, in my personal experience, people that bother to wear nice clothing also take care when it comes to personal hygiene and general appearance, even when they’re participants in less than legitimate enterprises. In fact, it is often a bit of status symbol among the more successful criminals and shady individuals to wear nice clothes and to be well pampered, going so far as to engage in activities that are traditionally seen as more feminine in society such as pedicures and manicures.
This has gone on for so long that it has become a bit of a trope in and of itself. How many movies can you think of where the dapper criminal boss or clean cut pimp makes an appearance? Being as this is such a prominent character in pop culture it made me wonder why she changed it up.
If it were anyone else, I might have been tempted to say it was because she was trying to break the mold, a laudable effort. Otis, being the hack she is, has simply managed to screw up a stock character.
I don’t honestly believe Otis is racist anymore than I think she’s truly sexist. Her writing comes across as juvenile and naive, and always terrible, though none of those two qualities are present in earnest. I think the unintended meaning that come across are there because she is such a simple minded person. I merely use those instances I find as a crack in which to place a lever in because that’s where the jokes go.
Mind you, I could be wrong and her message is really thinly veiled sexism and racism, tempered by a vigilant editor in an effort to make profit. In that case I pity her, her family and all her relations.
What people fail to realize is that this is a humorous blog meant to mock the Twilight series. Sometimes when you mock something you pick and choose various aspects of the person/object to exaggerate such as Otis’ unintentional sexism and racism. Some people are taking this way to seriously which I don’t understand since it’s a shitty series and this blog is fucking hilarious. Calm down people, this isn’t a book series about aborting crack babies, it’s about sparkly vampires and if you haven’t rolled your eyes and laughed at it yet then maybe you should be reading some Sweet Valley Twins instead.
Ah yes, but the Sweet Valley Twins had their moments like when Elizabeth got picked to dance the lead in the ballet recital and Jessica was all jealous like. Or the one where Elizabeth got tired of Jessica’s shit and killed her so she wear her face to get with her boyfriend until she remembered they have the same face! Good reads all of them, or at least better than this crap.