Of course there are the usual acknowledgments where PCK “hearts” her publisher. Are you an eleven year old harpy, pretending to be human? Because that goddamned affectation of yours is as obnoxious as calling it “brown pop”. That’s the kind of thing that gets you trapped in a seat in coach when you get to hell.
After trying to spread the blame around for this book, they thank “CZ” calling them a “pearl of great price”. I don’t know what the fuck it is with hacks and that singular bible bit. Was there a show that featured it that I missed? Because PCK strikes me as the kind of person that uses bible quotes the same way that Paolini does. With hands made of pressed pork butt.
I get that by sheer cultural osmosis, quotations from the bible carry a lot of weight. So when a hack wants to dress things up, they’ll often drop one in. And there are two ways to fuck up using them. One is to be writing religious fiction, that’ll ruin most everything but especially bible quotes(see the Left Behind series). Two is to use them as obviously as possible such as referencing the prodigal son when a child reunites with an estranged parent.
We finally reach the prologue, because why wouldn’t there be a fucking prologue. Stevie is telling Zoey that there’s a large turnout and that there are more humans than fleas on a dog. They see some local politicians and call them “total parasites”. Which is nothing like the actual parasites that vampires are. Also, Aphro’s mother is there or, as Aphro calls her, “Cruella De Ville” or “the one who bore me”.
Because someone mentioned a well known character, one of the lobotomy patients asks if Aphro’s mom would really skin a kitten. Aphro says no, just baby seals and democrats. Hilarious, PCK. Have you considered writing for The Simpsons? They could use a reason to get canceled.
They look around at the festival they’ve managed to put together in a week. There’s a bake sale booth that is, supposedly, doing a very brisk business in chocolate chip cookies. Grandma has a lavender booth which is also doing well. What the fuck, PCK? A lavender booth? I could accept if she had a booth full of scents, candles and things like lotions. That’s the kind of hippie garbage that gets crystal tickling harpies off in between meals. Just lavender is a bit too narrow.
Let’s see, Thanatos has a job application booth and lots of people are filling them out. Is it just a general job booth or is it only positions for jobs within the school? Because I thought humans were supposed to be afraid of vampires. I wouldn’t think they’d get such a massive amount of applicants. Maybe a couple of vampire fans who think they could get turned if they just give out enough undead hand jobs.
The whole thing is setup around the statue of Nyx. Off to one side, Dragon and Stark are doing weapon demonstrations. Heath and Kalona are not present because they figure the humans aren’t ready for them. Kalona, having pretty obvious wings, I could see. Heath on the other hand is a mystery. He doesn’t have hooves or look like a bull all the time. Or is he so stupid he goes around telling everyone that he’s the soul of a dead football player?
Aphro is drinking wine from a soda cup and gets chastised by Zoey for it. Again, if Zoey was my “friend” I’d spend as much time hammered as possible. Grandma then limps on over and Zoey says she’s doing well considering she’d been freed a week ago. Thanatos said it was because Grandma is in good shape for her age. Zoey says it’s because she has a mystical bond with god. We’re also reminded Nyx gives them “free choice”.
Zoey asks Grandma to hang out and wait while she goes out and visits with the cats. Aphro goes along so they can see and comment on Erin and her boyfriend. They complain about how gross it is to watch them suck face in public. They need to learn to maintain their dignity and only give out oral sex in public like someone we know.
Aphro notices some nun, who has a name but it doesn’t matter. Zoey says she’s one of the more uptight ones. Aphro thinks it’ll be interesting to watch her react to Erin and Dallas making out. Oh no, a nun might bear witness to a couple of horny teens getting to first base in public. Who know what the fallout will be, considering they’re on vampire school property and she has no authority over them. It’ll probably be a contemptuous sniff followed by a walk away.
Then sister Angela waves Zoey and Aphro over. She tells them that the family standing in front of her wants to adopt two kittens. They’re unusually close for litter mates, so sayeth Zoey, and they should be kept together. Zoey and Aphro both offer to help out with the paperwork which must be as arduous as taking out a mortgage and getting a divorce all at once. Least I have to assume that would be the only reason it would take the nun, Zoey and Aphro to get the paperwork done.
The family seems animated from ground up prints of Norman Rockwell. The mother and father gush about how happy they are to have found two cats and how it was such a surprise. The mother then says yes, their twins were also a surprise but it was a wonderful one. Zoey tells us the family made her heart “feel good”. Because Zoey occasionally turns into Lennie Smalls/Saphira.
Then, for some reason, Zoey looks towards the cage just as the girls mention some yucky spiders. Zoey sees the kittens batting a couple of black spiders around and says the backs of the cages are covered by them. She has Angela usher them into a tent to work on their papers while she does her magic. Aphro stops and asks if Zoey is actually going to cast a “circle” in front of humans. Zoey says it’s better than letting them get eaten.
Wait, PCK. Since when was vampire magic in front of the muggles verboten? Zoey sure didn’t care about that when she threw those guys under the truck to die. I can’t recall anyone having to stop Zoey or any of them from breaking the masquerade. Is this just a naked Harry Potter rip then or are you forgetting your own rules, PCK?
As this is a tense moment where supernatural creatures are suddenly materializing, Zoey knows that action is necessary. So she makes a phone call to Thanatos who says, in a dry voice, that something has changed and she senses death. Zoey tells her about the spiders.
“Neferet.” She spoke the name solemnly, confirming my gut reaction. “Invoke the protection of the elements. Whatever the Tsi Sgili is materializing, we know it isn’t natural—so use nature to expel it.”
Sure, makes sense. And which element is nature and can expel it? Also, is there a particular spell for that or will Zoey just have to say, plainly, what the magic should do? So she gathers her slaves for the circle.
I’m not too confident in the protagonist and her ability to take care of this. Considering how Zoey works, she probably won’t kill them but will just banish the spiders from Tulsa. This will force all the spiders to congregate in the woods just outside of the city and plan revenge. Their ultimate plan will be to spell out “Zoey is poop” in a large web then call the news chopper to take footage.
Thanatos comes on the loudspeaker, goes over her ridiculous title and then says she wants everyone to come to the center to start their raffle. Angela then escorts the young family towards them center, saying they’ll have all the details done by the time the raffle is over. Then members of Zoey’s power battery begin to arrive and comment on the spiders.
“Neferet seriously makes my ass hurt,” Aphrodite said, grimacing at the spiders.
Is that supposed to be like she’s a pain in the ass? Because I’m not getting that. It sounds more like Nefert won’t stop ramming things into people when they bend over near her. Aphro offers to stand in for water then Erin shows up for more manufactured drama whining about Aphro being too weak for the real deal. With all the members of Captain Planet present, they summon their elements. Water to make the cages slippery and earth to not let the darkness pollute the land. Then the “darkeness” starts forming into the shape of Neferet.
“No!” I shouted. “Spirit! Strengthen each of the elements with the power of our love and loyalty! Air! Fire! Water! Earth! I call on thee, so mote it be!”
So mote it be? That’s a lot packed into that phrase, PCK. Is Zoey telling the elements to become like a mote, or a small thing? Is she telling the elements to turn the spiders into motes? I’m sure it sounded much better in your head after your fifth breakfast cosmo. Whatever it was meant to do, it causes the Neferet shadow to shriek and then run away out the front entrance. As I predicted, Zoey can’t manage to do anything more than ship her enemies off to someplace else.
Aphro says that was gross, so the audience is informed. PCK can’t show how gross the spider shadow creature was so she has to have a character tell us. Then Zoey hears a “terrible cough” and looks over at Erin. Erin says she didn’t think it would end like this and begins coughing up blood. They all tell their elements to comfort Erin, because their magic isn’t capable of much else, and then she dies in Shaunee’s arms. Take that you horny teenage slut. That’s what you get for kissing your boyfriend in public like a prostitute without morals.