Life & Death Epilogue

Oh good. Looks like I set a blank post to autopublish while having no content to go in it. Good job to me. I finally sat down and decided to get things moving once again. I figure one more post with a wrap up of this book and I’ll be back to the House of Night series. Not that I was looking forward to it but I made it this far I should probably finish it out. In the meantime, here’s the actual epilogue.

Of course there’s an epilogue. I’ve made my feelings regarding those pretty clear in past recaps. I’m not a fan whatsoever. They’re obnoxious, repetitive and often used as nothing more than a regular chapter. I’m not saying they don’t have their utility, all things in writing do. Especially tropes and clichés. We’ll table that talk until some other time.

Beau and Ed are hanging out in a tree watching the road. Ed says he doesn’t have to be there if he doesn’t want. Beau says he should and watches what is clearly a funeral procession. Rene is there with Phil, like we were going to question it otherwise.

‘Rene was in the front seat.’ ‘But was Phil there, Stephanie?’ ‘Why wouldn’t he be? They are married and spouses typically support each other in times of crisis.’ ‘But if you don’t tell us Phil was there, we might think they’ve gotten a divorce because Bella/Beau died.’ ‘Good point, I need to remember the audience has probably suffered as many head injuries as I have.’

The very act of Beau watching his own burial is far more dark than anything the vampires do in the entire series. It would carry a bit more weight if Beau seemed to be impacted by it. In usually Meyer fashion though, he seems incredibly bored by the affair until she remembers that funerals equal sad and drops a couple of adjective telling us how sad he is.

Let’s see, Charlie is one of the pallbearers along with Phil and Rene. Also some pastor that Beau knows though Meyer didn’t establish the Swan’s as religious folk. Maybe it’s just supposed to be something about being a small town. Also, almost everyone from school is there and a lot of them are crying.

While I didn’t attend a small school, I did know a number of classmates that got killed. I’m willing to buy that maybe there’s so little to do in Podunk Washington that the entire student body will arrive to witness a funeral. I’m less inclined to believe that the lot of them are crying. Bella/Beau didn’t exactly endear themselves to a lot of people. I have a hard time picturing even their “friends” crying at their funeral.

The rest of the Cullens are there aside from Ed. Everyone does their best to comfort Rene and Charlie. I like to believe that Charlie is secretly relieved. There’s now nothing in between him and fishing trips and sports. It also means he never has to meet any hellspawn unlike the Charlie in Bella’s universe.

Everyone leaves except Charlie who stays until the grave is filled in. Beau refers to it as the hole, which tells us that him or Meyer doesn’t understand what’s really going on. That or she’s not giving it the gravity the situation calls for. It wouldn’t be the first time that Meyer treated something serious as a boring chore. Ed says that’s not what she wanted for him.

Beau asks what was Ed’s plan. She says she would have tried to live with him without changing him and marry him if he didn’t get bored. Then, once he died, she’d kill herself. Beau seems taken aback at the idea that she would have married him. Ed says she still will, Archie has foreseen it.

Does Meyer understand romance at all? Knowing that you’re going to get married, before you’ve decided, would be a bit of a downer. Part of the fun of romance is the unpredictability, not being forced into a relationship or marriage but coming to the decision because you realized that’s what you want. If you could tell exactly where things were going with a potential mate but couldn’t deviate, wouldn’t you feel trapped? Here’s Beau’s reaction to finding out Ed is slated to marry him.

I blinked a few times. “Wow. I’m… super flattered. You would really marry me, Edythe?”

That serves as the proposal, it seems. So they agree to marry, which isn’t a surprise to us at this point. He kind of wishes that they could have finished school and invited everyone to their wedding though. Ed says that would have meant they would have to do a double funeral afterwards.

Why is that, Meyer? Just because Bella/Beau isn’t going to age, doesn’t mean they couldn’t keep in touch with Rene and Charlie. If they really have to keep up appearances, they could always practice with makeup. It’s rather amazing what a little talent and powder can accomplish these days. But no, it’s far better to fake your death, crush your family and disappear.

Their wedding discussion is interrupted by some sound off in the distance. It’s Carnine calling them, saying they have guests. They run home and see the werewolves, though Beau doesn’t know that yet. They’re there because they believe Carnine broke the treaty and killed Beau.

Not only is this compressing the events of New Moon into the last chapter here but it’s stupid. If the wolves know there’s a family of vampires, they would probably know there are other vampires. It might be just possible that the other vampires could have, just possibly, be the ones who wanted to kill Beau. Though we couldn’t have had this half-assed confrontation otherwise.

Now that they see Beau is alive, basically, they change their accusation to the Cullens transforming Beau against his will. He explains about Joss and how she wanted to eat him but failed at it. Though he was going to die so he asked Edythe to save him by turning him. They’re not sure and want Beau to talk to Bonnie so she can make the final judgment.

Once the wolves leave, there’s a long conversation about whether this is a trap or what. Archie says he couldn’t see the wolves for some reason and this bothers him. Is it a trap? Which of them should go? Who gives a rancid flying fuck, Meyer? Get your god be damned characters to the next scene and wrap this turd up so we can flush it.

They go the meeting place and see a car pull up. Bonnie is driving and a large, strong looking girl is in the passenger. She’s clearly strong because she lifts Bonnie out of the car without any trouble. Bonnie says she should have guessed what happened when she saw the Cullen clan there. Because the only people who attend funerals are the immediate family, friends and maybe the murderer.

At first, Bonnie says that “thing” that looks like Beau isn’t. Beau says, yes he is. Carnine says they’ll hang around until the kids “graduate” and leave. It’ll look more natural that way. Bonnie says okay, it’s clear they didn’t violate the treaty. She also apologizes for the infraction which was done because they were overwrought.

Suddenly Beau catches the scent of Bonnie as the wind shifts. He’s suddenly very tempted and says that, although he’s never done drugs, he thinks Edy’s Heroin comparison is spot on. While he really wants to kill Bonnie, he realizes he doesn’t have to and maintains control. Yet another bit of tension that pops up and dissolves like a butterscotch on a hot dashboard.

Beau then gets sad and asks Bonnie to take care of Charlie. She says she would have done that regardless. I still maintain that Bonnie and Charlie spend a lot of time in a rented hotel room because Charlie doesn’t know how to get stains out of the comforter. Beau also says that she should hit him up if there’s anything she needs Beau to do from behind the scenes.

Once they’re gone, Beau says that it must have been a shock for Carnine to see that werewolves were still around. Carnine says that she saw something more amazing tonight. Beau is very special because, as a young vampire, he avoided losing control and killing someone. That’s so amazingly special he has earned a generous helping of praise.

Edythe then says that it’s been a long hard day but Beau is extraordinary and she loves him. Beau says he can handle anything as long as Edythe is by his side. As long as he can get laid, Beau will have no ragerts about letting his father slowly drink himself to death or Rene lapsing into a depression she will carry until her death. They kiss and Beau tells us that forever was going to be amazing.

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1 Response to Life & Death Epilogue

  1. ?!? says:

    So bad it doesn’t even get words.

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