Life & Death Chapter 17

Something that always bothers me about vampires in popular fiction is how dull their hobbies are. Poetry, piano and painting seem to the the big three. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you never see a vampire who spends their nights rebuilding one of the many retired General Lee’s.

Mind you, I get it. The audience and author like to pretend that becoming a vampire would allow their “true selves” to blossom. So instead of being the kind of person who microwaves a pot pie for dinner after a twelve hour day and slouches on the couch to relax, we’d transform. Instead we’d be the suave, well read, cultured and talented. The beauty, grace and strength are icing on the cake and a matter of course.

Because there are so many depictions like this, it makes all those that fall into this mold a bit less unique. Ed and the Cullens becomes bland and uninteresting in a sea of wallpaper paste. Meyers little attempts at quirks, such as them paying baseball(and then only in the first book of the entire series), are drowned out. It’s just one more unsalted cracker on a stack we’re being asked to choke down without water.

Ed is driving Beau back home when he spots Bonnie’s car in the drive way. Beau turns to Ed, asking if she’s there to warn Charlie. Ed nods and mutters something. Probably something better left unsaid like how much he’d like to stuff them into a mattress shredder.

What is Bonnie there to warn Charlie of, exactly? ‘Oh hey, there are vampires and your son shouldn’t date them.’ ‘Roger than, Bonnie. Say, have you been keeping up with your AA meetings later?’ I’d love to know what Bonnie is there for and how much she actually believes in vampires. Maybe Billy/Bonnie is xenophobic and hates the Cullens because they look like those shifty eyed members of ABBA.

No, just native American legends and mystic wisdom that’s a touch racist inform Billy/Bonnie. I’m also not certain why Ed isn’t allowed to be near them while they’re hanging out at Beau’s house. Did Jules’ ancestors write out a treaty that serves as a restraining order? ‘Alright, so it’s agreed that we will keep at least four short sparrow flights away from you outside of town. When we are forced to wander into the city limits, we will maintain at least a single wallabies’ hop away from your people.’

Ed says to get rid of them and she’ll be back later. Beau says she doesn’t have to go, Ed says she does and looks meaningfully at the Blacks. She then reminds him she has to get ready anyways as Charlie needs to meet Beau’s new girlfriend. Beau isn’t too happy about that part for some reason. He’s sure Charlie will approve. Being a slave to Beau’s will it’s impossible to imagine him even mildly disproving. Beau doesn’t want to sully the angel he’s put on a pedestal by dragging her into reality.

They go inside and Bonnie hands over a paper bag of fish fry. She tells Beau to put it in the fridge so it stays drier. Then she sends Jules to the car on a fake errand to get her out of the way. Beau does his best to hint that Charlie is gone and probably won’t be back until well after Bonnie decides to leave and call it a night. Please, Bonnie, go home and drink yourself to sleep like you do every night already.

Bonnie can see the hints attempting to land but lets them pass without clearance. She says she’s noticed Beau has been spending a lot of time with the Cullens. How she knows this is a mystery to me. Jules can report on how many times she sees Beau have lunch with Ed but after that’s anyone’s guess. I’m going to posit that Bonnie has purchased a number of items from a “spy” store and has them planted around Charlie’s house.

Did you know the Cullens have an “unpleasant” reputation on the reservation? What for, I’d like to know. Maybe Jasper/Jessamine slipped and killed a kid out there sixty years ago. Just the fact they’re vampires would be a pretty stupid reason to hat them. Beau says he’s aware and better informed than Bonnie knows. She asks if Charlie is as well and the whole battle of wills hinges on the fact Bonnie could tell Charlie that his son is hanging out with a girl.

Beau says that’s more of his business and Bonnie relents for no reason. She asks him to be careful and to please consider what he’s doing. Like any responsible teen, Beau promises while making a huge jerk off motion when she turns her back. Jules takes that opportunity to show up and say she couldn’t find the snipe inside the car’s spare tire, can they go look in the outhouse up at the cabin?

They leave and Beau goes to wash his hands. Charlie appears now that the pebble of tension has been driven over effectively. He’s excited that there’s fish fry in the fridge and wants to know what Beau did all day. He sheepishly mentions his sorta-date with Edythe. Charlie is shocked that Beau spent all day hanging out at the Cullens. Especially since Beau has been so antisocial so far.

Beau also adds that Ed wanted to introduce him to her parents. Charlie asks if that doesn’t mean it’s a little serious. Does that mean she’s his girlfriend? Beau says yes and is relieved it was that easy. Charlie says he’s met Earnest who’s okay but seems a little off. He asks when he’s going to meet Ed. Beau says she’ll be by in a little bit and they’re going to watch her family play baseball.

So Bella/Beau has just intimated they are in a “serious” relationship with someone who Charlie has heard nothing about. They also just said they’re going to go watch and partake in a sport, something Charlie likes. Would it be natural for Charlie, being an officer of the law, to maybe want to come along so he can meet the family and maybe talk to the parents? Not to be nosy, just to exchange numbers and let them know he’s always available if they need to reach him or check up on Edythe when she’s not around.

The doorbell rings and Charlie rushes to meet Ed. Unlike with Edward, Charlie is dazzled by Edythe, his face going blank when she “unleashed the dimples”. Maybe that’s Meyer code for tits. I cannot imagine a man in his forties being dumbstruck by a pretty teen with dimples. So there, Meyer, every time you say “dimples” my mental image of Edythe is getting her boobs out and asking for an opinion. I hope you’re happy now.

Ed acts incredibly formal and he says she can just call him Charlie. Her smiles and boobage are flustering Charlie. He manages to ask if they’ll be out late, not even asking where they’re going to be playing baseball considering the impending rain. Charlie just says he’s got some stuff to get to and they should have fun then, sending them on their way. The only realistic part is that Charlie shares a look with Beau that seems to ask how he got so lucky.

I have to assume that Charlie owns the worlds first, near perfect sexbot. It stays in his closet, standing on a charging pad until he comes home. After a boring day of policing the worlds dullest people, he just wants to come home and ride the electric pony until he gets a good chafe going. That’s the only reason I can see him being so nonchalant out his only child to go off and play baseball in the rain.

There’s a Jeep waiting outside instead of the Volvo. What? You mean they don’t own an imported off road machine with four wheel drive? Ed locks Beau into the harness which is kinda baffling in retrospect. If it’s the Cullens’ collective Jeep then it’s owned by vampires. They don’t care or fear for their own safety so who put those harnesses in and why? Do they often take human passengers off road? That doesn’t fit the Cullens we know. Unless they take them out in the middle of nowhere to kill and eat them. The same way you’d put your sandwich in a hard box so it doesn’t get squished until lunch time.

They talk about how much they missed each other for a few hours and kiss. We learn the Jeep is Eleanor’s and they have a garage on their property. They get to the place where they’re going to park and Edy says Beau needs to remember to breathe. Then she starts making out with him, Beau responds and Ed gets mad at him for making her horny. Being a wet dishrag that he is, Beau apologizes for it.

Ed carries Beau off to where they stop and walk at normal speed. This way they can talk about the almost encouragement he gave to her libido a moment ago. She whines more about how tempting he is and that puts him in danger. Also, she doesn’t want to feel guilty when he apologizes so stop doing it. They remind each other they love one another and then go into this other clearing for baseball.

They’re setting out bases but they’re so far apart, how will they play? Bella/Beau has to be one of the slowest protagonists in existence. Ed literally carried you on her back at warp speed, Beau. Twice. Has it not penetrated your tiny mind that a being with preternatural speed and strength might do things a little differently?

They start to play ball and it’s amazing because they’re so fast. Beau hangs out with Earnest who doesn’t play but watches and refs the games. He immediately asks if Beau heard he lost his daughter. Which is a little creepy but he’s a stay at home dad vampire who has one “child” who’s older than them. So I can forgive his social graces for being off a tad.

They focus a little on the game and we’re told that when one of them hits the ball it makes a thunderous sound. I’m not a physics major but I did once drop a lead ball off a tower. Baseball bats break on a regular basis in the hand of mortals, at least using Maple and Ash as the wood. In the hands of superhumans, I have to imagine the failure rate would skyrocket unless they’re using an alloy bat. Second, baseballs can only take so much abuse. Under those same conditions, I imagine the MLB’s average of seven pitches would be as long as you could expect it to hold out.

And lastly, why the hell do they need to wait for thunder? I get that the crack of the bat has been transformed into the sound of a thunderclap. Sure, fine. Sound still only travels so far. I could see them going a distance away from town to allay suspicion but waiting for thunder seems incredibly stupid.

They play a bit more until Archie begins having a conniption fit. Ed, being the mind raping jackass she is, begins asking for more details. “They’re” coming and there are three of them. They apparently want to play. So we’re talking about cyborg dogs who believe the Cullens have their tennis ball or it’s the bad guys.

They continue to play a bit while some of the Cullens eyeball Beau. Royal stares like he’d rather just kill Beau and be done with it. Unfortunately Meyer won’t let him off his lease so he’s just wasting his energy. Ed is sticking close to Beau, trying to mask his scent with hers. Archie says it won’t work, he can smell Beau from across the field.

Edythe apologizes for exposing Beau to danger and then focuses on the edge of the clearing. Beau then says whatever is coming was far worse than Royal. Considering that a bad tempered roach is more dangerous than Royal, your guess isn’t far off. Though James and his crotch swapped analogue in this one will only just edge out insect pests.

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