Life & Death Chapter 14

Given the prevalence in the series, I still have to ask why Bella/Beau is too stupid to ask about the sparkling. I’ve already complained about how obnoxious it is that Ed seemed to think it was scary. I cannot imagine anyone, in any society, ever panicking because someone turned into a laser light show by stepping into the sun. If anything, that would make it more likely they’d be worshiped as being wreathed in light is usually considered divine.

The real head scratcher here is, why didn’t Bella/Beau question Ed about the sparkling? The first thing that should have occurred to them was ‘is this why you skip out on school?’ The second question would be ‘why can’t you cover up again?’ Meyer, believing she’s built a fantasy world, is hoping to hell no one looks too closely and finds out the prince is just a pig and the castle is just a facade over the general store.

So vampires in your world sparkle, eh Meyer? Sure, dumb as hell and I’ll maintain that until the end, but we’ll roll with it. Now it only happens in direct sunlight? Why? What about sunlight, versus headlights or florescents, makes that work? What about full spectrum grow lights, would those make Ed light up like the ball drop in Times Square?

How about reflected light? Just because the Cullens are hanging out in the shade, doesn’t mean a beam of light from a passing windshield won’t hit them. I still say it’d be better for them to do a self tan with some spray paint everyday and then no one would suspect anything. But then the plot of the second book couldn’t happen.

I don’t usually chime in on the chapter titles in this series. Considering the general content within, it’s a little like complaining about the decor after a tornado has hit. Sure it sucks, but there are generally bigger problems. However, this one, being called “Mind of Matter” is just asinine. You or your characters have to have a mind to matter, let alone overcome it, Meyer.

Our dippy romance partners are driving back and not racing along. Personally, I’ve never understood why Ed drives so fast. Sure he can and maybe they’ve got the training but if Ed is so interesting in Bella/Beau, why doesn’t Ed drive slower? That way they have an excuse to spend more time together. Then I realized I was putting thought into a story which has made millions of dollars by doing the exact opposite.

Beau asks Edythe if she likes “fifties music”. She says yes, better than the sixties or seventies though the eighties was tolerable. So either Ed’s got shitty taste in music, or Meyer does. Also, what kind of music out of the fifties are we talking about, Meyer? The classic rise of Rock n’ Roll? The tailing end of the big band performers? Maybe Ed likes the old Country and Western music that was gaining ground back then. While you can lump certain styles and movements into a decade, no decade is a homogeneous blob of tofu. Except maybe the eighties.

Beau wants to know how old Ed is which leads to her backstory. Born one year after the turn of the century, she was dying of Spanish Flu. Carnine found her and saved her. Also, Ed’s parents were both dead already. I forgot that Ed was the first of the Cullens turned which is really damn creepy if you think about it. Considering the era it occurred, it’s almost like Carlisle/Carnine was trying to make either a sex slave or an immortal prostitute and chickened out at the last second. Oh, and Esme/Earnest was the second. Kinda adds a weird dimension knowing that Ed is older than their mom/dad.

Let’s see, Archie/Alice and Jessamine/Jasper are unique because they weren’t brought up not to kill. They developed their own conscience and came looking for them. I forgot that Alice/Archie just had visions of their significant other, hunted them down and then tracked down the Cullens. That’s Meyer saying she couldn’t think of a genuine backstory for Alice/Archie and Jasper/Jessamine and their decision to join the Cult of Carlisle/Carnine. ‘They just did, okay!? Let me get back to the romance which is blooming slower than a corpse flower!’

Beau wonders if there are more vampires. If there weren’t, I would have paid good money to see the prequels to Twilight where the Cullens went vigilante. Seeing the stone faced cast hunt down other vampires as a coordinated strike team would at least be interesting. But there are other vampires and not all of them don’t kill. Ed says most are nomads and prefer the North. Beau asks why.

“Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?” she teased. “Do you think I could walk down the street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents?”

Yes, by wearing a big hat or sunscreen. Or by covering yourself with makeup/paint. I’d get it if that thought hadn’t occurred to them based on their age. They’re from another time and newer ideas are hard to incorporate. Though you’d think at least one of them though would put in a badly worded question on Yahoo answers at some point. ‘How is sunligh formed?’

They arrive at Beau’s house and he invites Ed in. They go inside, Ed says Beau should eat and Beau grabs something out of the fridge. It’s lasagna, by the way. That’s the kind of details the editor should have snipped out as extraneous. Then again, when you’ve been tasked with editing Twilight, you probably drink on the job and miss bullshit like that.

Does Ed miss anything about being human? Ed says no because she doesn’t remember much from before. She does whine about how boring it is staying awake all the time and she wishes she could sleep. Beau asks what’s on her schedule then for the evening once she leaves. Oh, just a little creeping outside the back door and staring in the window of his bedroom.

Beau is terrified but not because a potential murderer who can barely control themselves is watching him at his most helpless. He talks in his sleep and might have said something embarrassing. Ed assures him he really only misses his mom and used to miss Arizona. Also, she hears him talk about her though that shouldn’t bother beau because he already told Ed he dreams about her.

Lights come through the window, meaning the cock block Charlie-tron is back. Ed asks if Beau wants Chaz to know she’s there. Beau says no and Ed runs off so fast it’s like she was never there at all. If it weren’t for his awkward boner, Beau might have dreamed the whole thing. Charlie walks in and they have another riveting conversation about food.

Beau wonders if Ed is just hiding around, rather than having left entirely. Chaz attempts to engage his son, the house hermit, and gets nowhere. All suggestions that he talk to girls or go out with friends are dismissed. He could just let Chaz meet Ed and that would shut the man up. That might spoil the fun if Ed snaps and kills Beau in a fit of hunger and rage though.

Now it’s time to go over Beau’s bedtime rituals. He brushes his teeth and says goodnight to Chaz then goes to his room. I hope to god they didn’t cut such vital moments out of the movie. The whole things would have been ruing otherwise. In his room, Beau calls out to Ed and she responds. He flips on the light to find her lying on the bed.

This would be a great opportunity to have them act like teens or at least Bella/Beau. Maybe have them try to lure Ed into a little making out? They just lay down and cuddle with Ed listening to Beau’s heartbeat. I would think that’s akin to a cat hearing a can opener. Ed just keeps saying mind over matter and says there’s no possibility she’ll kill him.

Ed talks about how jealous she got watching other girls ask Beau out. She was glad when they started talking. Ed then says, for the thousandth time, she wants to know everything about him. I’m starting to wonder if Ed keeps saying that, hoping against hope, that Bella/Beau has an actual personality buried under there. ‘Tell me about yourself.’ ‘I like reading and music.’ ‘Anything in particular, like genres?’ ‘Not really, I’m pretty empty headed.’

Beau wants to know why Ed can read minds and none of the others. We hear about the “theory” that vampirism amplifies existing traits. We’re also reminded that Carlisle/Carnine has super compassion, for some reason. Then Beau tries to delicately ask about sex as if his mom is listening from the other room.

Edythe says vampires do, in fact, fuck as they’re basically human other than the blood drinking and not liking food. Ed says she doesn’t think they could bone because of how fragile he is. Then Beau asks if she’s ever done it and Ed says no, he’s her first everything. Nothing more awkward than a metahuman-human pairing where they’re both virgins.

Now it’s time for some good ol’ fashioned blue balling. Beau wants to know what a superlative drenched girl like Edythe could want with him. She says his eyes are amazing and that got him a bunch of admirers. Also his arms, shoulders and hands or maybe his chin. Ed runs her hands over him which I’m sure is not inflating the pup tent at all.

Beau believes she’s making fun of him, which sounds right to me. There’s no way Bella/Beau is this plain and yet so attractive. Either Ed has different standards and gets hot at the thought of drywall mud or Ed is a liar.

After being reassured again, as Beau is a giant baby, he figures that’s enough questions for the day. Edythe hums him a lullaby and he drifts off to sleep, telling us how he was exhausted from a day of emotional and mental stress like he’d never felt before. A date with the girl he likes is that taxing? I guess Beau has never had anything go on in his life.

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