Life & Death Chapter 12

While I’m doing a lot of bitching about this book, and series in general, I have two things positive to say about it. The first is that Meyer wrote it. Yes, it’s not very good or interesting but she still sat down and did a story from start to finish. If you’ve ever written and made the mistake of talking about it, you know exactly what I’m talking about. There are so many people out there who will tell you they could write a book and they have just so many ideas.  If you ask them how many pages or words they’ve gotten, they’ll start backpedaling and saying they haven’t gotten a chance to get started.

Second is that it’s better than the House Of Night books. That’s not hard by any stretch. I’ve read self published novels, written by former classmates, that were basically nothing but a revenge fantasy against a local store owner. At least the purpose within the story was clear even while the dialogue was confusing and the plot rehashed from what appeared to be Walking Tall.

There you go, Meyer, that’s the only internet cookie I’ll give you. Print it out and nail it to your wall. You can tell all your friends and fans that you’re better than the knockoff duo of PCK. Which, again, is such a low bar the national limbo association uses it as a baseline.

Charlie is thrilled to see Bonnie(Billy) Black. Again, I have to ask what the point was of swapping everyone’s genitals like there was a transporter accident? I get the motive behind Bella and Ed, but Billy? Instead of just being friends, now I’m going to imagine they bone on the side. ‘Where’s your dad, Beau.’ ‘He’s off fishing with Bonnie.’ ‘Oh, thank god you can’t read minds. You don’t want to know what they’re doing.’

Charlie says he’s going to pretend he didn’t see Jules driving the car. The same way Charlie pretends he doesn’t see Bella/Beau marrying into a family of vampires. He also likes to pretend he didn’t see the ice molds for a penis/vagina get delivered via UPS. Bella/Beau may hold on to their virginity but they do want to know what a cold statue fucking is like.

Beau asks if they want dinner, they don’t, and proceeds to make grilled cheese sandwiches. Bonnie remains in the living room with Chaz to watch the mysterious “game” that stereotype men are always watching. Jules asks who that was in the other car and laughs when she hears it was Edythe. She figures that must be why Bonnie is acting weird. Jules mumbles that Bonnie is superstitious, not believing in those silly legends. That’s for the sequel when she happens to turn into an exploding werewolf.

They watch “the game”, with Bonnie and Jules leaving right after. Charlie says they’ll have to come back for the next game. They have a tradition of watching their favorite Michael Douglas film once a week. It’s kind of odd but far more interesting than anything Beau does.

Charlie then says he didn’t know Beau could play badminton. Beau says he can’t but McKayla can and she’s good. Charlie asks if she didn’t want to ask him to the dance. Beau just rolls his eyes. Then Charlie tries to reach out to his only child, saying he feels like he leaves Beau alone too much. Beau says no, it’s better that he remain neglectful and stay  out of Beau’s way.

The next morning, Meyer rushes through Beau’s morning routine until he gets into the car with Edythe. She “flourished” her dimples at him and Beau describes her in obnoxious superlatives. I don’t know who Meyer talked to that said dimples were sexy. Personally, it reminds me of Shirley Temple which is the exact opposite of sexy. Unless you’re a former fast food spokesperson.

Beau asks if he can question her today. Edythe says nope, because she’s a bitch and in charge. She asks about his past with women, Beau doesn’t have one and Ed asks if there wasn’t anyone he wanted. He simply says “not in Phoenix”.

Then Ed says she should have let him drive as she’s leaving early with Archie. Jughead will be around to give him ride later. Edythe says not to worry, she’ll have his truck waiting for him around lunch. Why not simply leave him the key for the Volvo? Archie could have just brought his own car and let Beau drive home in comfort. Of course, that would require Ed trust Beau.

Edythe is going hunting so that way tomorrow she’s all filled up and won’t crunch Beau. Beau worries about Charlie seeing the Volvo in the driveway. Because god forbid Charlie have even the meanest inkling of what’s going on. Better for Beau to completely disappear without a trace. Just another missing persons case that will go unsolved.

So no, Edythe won’t be driving over. Then Beau asks if Archie wasn’t being annoying. Edythe says that he’s the most supportive. Though Beau shouldn’t worry that the others don’t like him. They’re just confused as to why Ed can’t leave Beau alone. Probably because she hasn’t had a roll in the hay since horses were the best way to get aroud New York.

Edythe then says how Beau is so unique and amazing. Especially how he does the opposite of what she expects. Like what, Meyer? Can you name an example besides the part where Beau doesn’t run away from Edythe? No? Ok, then carry on.

Let’s see, Royal glares at Beau and Edythe says it’s because he’s worried. Archie then shows up and gets introduced to Beau. All important, pointless formalities that add nothing to the plot or characters. Edythe says she’ll see him tomorrow and, though it seems long to Beau, it’ll be there soon.

Over to gym class where McKayla continues to whine and be jealous. She pesters him to know what he’s doing that Saturday and if he’s taking Edythe to the dance. Beau says no, he’s studying for a test. When McKayla asks if Edythe is helping him “study’, Beau goes on a tear about how smart and brilliant she is.

McKayla, being desperate, still tries to get him to go along to the dance. Jeremy gives him the ol’ spicy stink eye because he doesn’t trust McKayla’s loyalty but she’s the only piece of ass he’s going to get. Beau once again says he’s not going then we skip forward to the truck. Which is parked exactly where the Volvo was. Good thing no one in high school takes off to get a nibble from the local fast food and take the open spot. Author forbid that Beau would have to look around for a few seconds.

Beau finds s note written in her calligraphy that says “be safe”. At home, Beau tells his dad he won’t, in fact, be going into Seattle. He’ll just stay home until someday that Jeremy is available. Charlie asks, not without a hint of desperation, if he should join Beau. Beau says there’s no need for Charlie to change plans.

Beau almost feels guilty about not telling his dad about his date with Edythe. Then he wonders how that would help if Charlie knew he was with Edythe if he did get killed. Sure, that would give Charlie a sense closure and a reason to hunt down the killer. This way Charlie is always left to wonder what happened. Beau tells us that he’s choosing her over everything and doesn’t feel the guilt that he should. Did I mention he’s not feeling guilty?

Now it’s time for Meyer to pad like a freshman trying to get their report to the minimum. The next morning, Edythe shows up and laughs because their clothing matches. Aw, they have so much in common. They both like terrible music, they both wear similar colored clothes and the both want Beau to die.

They hop into his truck and Edythe gives him directions. Though she throws a few digs in at the truck because it’s not her sporty Volvo. They’re going to a place and then hike five miles to a place Edythe likes to go when the weather is nice. The arcade? Oh, some boring meadow. Because we all know how Edythe likes to sit in the warm sunlight and absorb the warmth of the sun.

Actually, why does Edythe like to hang out in a meadow during sunny days? Can your vampire feel the warmth, Meyer? Do they just enjoy hanging out in the light which they normally avoid? You’re right, better not to explore and characterize them lest they stop being the perfect fantasy.

Beau and Edythe ditch their sweaters in the truck. Beau gets a good look at Edythe’s goods. He cautions himself not to stare and they begin to hike along. It’s not too bad of a hike though and Beau doesn’t get too winded. We wouldn’t want our protagonist to face any obstacles, not even in the way of nature itself.

Beau trips a couple of times but Edythe steadies him. She asks him some stupid questions which would have been rendered moot if Beau had an account on a popular social media site. They get to where Beau can see the meadow and it’s incredibly idyllic what with a ton of wild flowers. Beau wanders into it and looks over at Edythe. She holds up her hand, telling him to stay put, then walks into the sun.