Life & Death Chapter 9

Beau starts us off asking if he can ask one more question. Considering you just did, Beau, you just wasted your additional question asking if you can pose another query. Ed being a prick, says they had a deal. Sure it was an informal deal rather than an ironclad contract. Leave it to Ed to act as if it was legally binding.

Beau says its not really a question but a clarification of something from earlier. Ed decides that’s acceptable. Considering they talk like a bitter couple who’s in the early stages of divorce, having to lay down ground rules and all, I can see why Beau and Ed’s love is considered so pure. Beau wants to know how she knew he hadn’t gone in the bookstore. She says she followed his scent.

What exactly, then, does Ed’s mind reading power add to the story? I’ve nothing against, or at least very little, against giving your shitty vampires random powers, Meyer. My big problem is that it should figure into the plot. Yet it’s completely necessary. Ed doesn’t need it to locate Bella/Beau if they can track their scent. They can’t read Bella/Beau’s mind and aside from confirming that the “bad guys” want to do Bella/Beau harm, it never comes into play.

This leads Beau to ask how the mind reading things works and if it comes standard with all the base powers of an immortal being. Ed says no, the other Cullens aren’t psychic like she is. Also, it only has a range of a few miles or so though if they’re familiar with the mind of someone, Ed has a better range. Ed says it can be hard to be normal as they’re tempted to respond to people’s thoughts rather than their words.

Which is an interesting concept that’s never brought up again. I could have accepted Ed being a dickhead if Meyer had explored their powers more. Being able to hear most people’s thoughts and trying to ignore what you pick up would be mentally taxing. Having to pretend that you don’t know the cashier at the gas station thinks you’re a douche bag because you look like a model might drive anyone crazy.  It might even turn you into a bitter asshole after a century of that.

Beau is curious to know why it is Ed can’t read his mind. Ed has no idea but isn’t above speculating wildly. Maybe Beau’s brain is defective or made out of modelling clay. The very idea that his brain could have a defect sends Beau into a panic attack. Because it would be terrible if he were a special little snowflake. Ed calms him down by saying it was just conjecture.

That’s when Beau notices the speedometer is over one hundred. Ed rolls her eye’s saying that she’s never been in an accident or even gotten a speeding ticket. She taps her head and says “built in radar detector”. Which is a crock of shit so big it could fertilize the bread basket.

For one, there’s no way Ed’s been alive for nearly a century and not been in an accident. Even if they’re a top notch driver, there are other idiots out on the road. It doesn’t matter that Ed can read minds. What about idiots who are driving but not paying attention to what they’re doing? They’re focused on their radio or digging for a dropped walet, drift over into oncoming traffic and a car speeding along, too fast to react, runs headlong into them. Ed has not only been in an accident but has probably killed someone.

Now Meyer could have explained that away by saying Ed has taken a lot of stunt and race driving courses over the years. Considering that Ed has multiple degrees and has mastery over generally everything, what’s one more skill to add? I bet Meyer didn’t consider it because she didn’t think it was a sexy skill for her fuck-toy to possess.

Ed keeps pressing Beau for his “theory” as to what she is. She asks if it’s something Beau figured out on her own or got from some superhero movie. Beau tells Ed about meeting up with Jules at the beach and about the legends. He says vampire then says he read some stuff on the internet but it really didn’t fit. So he just kind of gave up because it doesn’t matter.

“It doesn’t matter?” she half-shouted at me, her voice going shrill and almost… metallic. “It doesn’t matter?

No, it doesn’t matter. Beau is willing to put his dick in you and no amount of crazy will stop him. Ed says he’s insane and Beau proceeds to run through the vampire tropes and Ed says they’re all myths. Then they get to the blood drinking and Ed explains they mostly kill animals. Though they sometimes make mistakes like her being alone with Beau.

There’s a lot to unpack in there. Like if the Cullens are dangerous and make “mistakes” that means people die on a somewhat predictable basis around them. How many unsolved murders have followed the Cullens around? It also means Ed is either a moron or just luring Beau in with the intoxicating threat of danger.

That Ed referred to them being alone as a mistake bothers Beau. He focuses on the road which appears to be flying by too fast. He says it’s unreal, like a video game. Which I’m sure he has tons of references to being as Meyer explicitly stated Beau isn’t a gamer. Maybe he’s watched a lot of friends play them. Oh wait, that would require he doesn’t sit around the house and fail to research something on the internet.

With vampirism confirmed, Beau says he thinks that Ed’s eye color is a hint as to how hungry she is. Then he asks if it was real, that she caught the van and how strong she is. Ed says “strong enough” and says yes when Beau asks if she could lift five thousand pounds. She says she wouldn’t try because Eleanor, the Emmett analog, would want to get into a contest and she could probably lift a mountain.

Ed then says that they were just hunting a few days ago, it being easier to be around Beau when she’s not starving. She says it makes her anxious to be away from Beau. For fear that one of the other Cullens decides to pig out on her snack before she can. Beau also says he hated her being away because he worried she might not come back. ‘Hi, I’m a clingy asshole!’ ‘That’s good because I’m also dependent on you though we’ve exchanged a handful of words.’

Beau asks why Ed wasn’t at school the other day. Ed says sometime she’ll show him but suffice it to say she can’t go out in the sunlight. Ed promises she’ll be there at school and will even save Beau a seat at lunch. Beau starts to lean in and Ed has to push him away. Not because she’s overwhelmed by a desire to eat him but because Beau doesn’t believe in flossing.

Beau then says he’ll do whatever it takes and will follow any rule. Glad to see you speaking from a position of power, you giant wuss. Ed says that the first one is that Beau won’t go into the woods alone again. Why? Don’t worry your squishy human head about it. Your duty is to obey your new god, Beau, not question her.

Ed wishes him goodnight and Beau’s mind goes blank when her breath hits him. Apparently Ed practices the same dental hygiene she did in the early twentieth century. Ed drives off and Beau gets out of the car so he can watch it drive off. Only then does he realize he’s going to have to do some laundry

Beau heads inside and and says hi to Charlie. Being unusually observant within the story, Charlie asks what happened to Beau’s coat and where he got the scarf. I’m going to state I’ve always believed Charlie not only notices what Bella/Beau is up to but probably knows the Cullens are vampires.

The conversation about vampires is still occupying Beau’s thoughts so he’s not taking note of his father’s observational skills. He goes off to bed, repeating that it doesn’t matter if Edythe is a vampire. He just knows he loves her more than anything he’s loved before. Sorry pancakes, you’ve been demoted down to number two.

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