Life & Death Chapter 5

Chapter 5

So here’s a thought for you. How many interactions in our daily lives are driven by hormones? Not even just the boner hormones that keep the world populated and growing. The base drives like the stomach growl when we smell cookies or the yawn as we get past our bedtime.

Now imagine all of those completely removed from your life while the world keeps turning. How long until you’d forget what it was like to take a nap on a rainy afternoon? Would that happen before the taste of a warm corner piece of brownie faded? After a year of that, how well would you truly be able to empathize with humans? A century later you’d sure as fuck view them as aliens.

Most authors of vampire fiction aren’t really interested in vampires. They figure that they’re basically just X-Men who have to indulge in an O positive smoothie once in awhile. When the vampires are the protagonist, it’s because that’s what the author wants to be. At least the fiction where vampires are villains doesn’t pretend they’re human.

We start off with Beau being late to English class which causes the teacher to comment on it. This is a bit of characterization, either for the teacher of Beau, which doesn’t really fit. It’s not like Bella/Beau was made out to be tardy as well as clumsy. Nor was the teacher painted as a total hard-ass.

Meyer is just trying to tell us Beau is having a bad day. Why Mikayla isn’t sitting near him and is clearly still bummed that she won’t get to take his rod on a test drive, for some inexplicable reason. She’s babbling about the weather for their beach trip. Beau is just waiting until lunch time comes around and he can see Edythe again.

Once there, Jeremy notices that Edythe is staring at Beau again. She motions for Beau to come over to her and he does while being nervous. Edythe is by herself which Beau says is odd. Edythe says she figured that as long as she was going to hell she might as well di it thoroughly.

Again, this is a creepy thing to say. Either Ed knows that Bella/Beau  will respond to the emotional manipulation or they’re really that immature. While it’s easy to say Ed is emotionally manipulative, I’m going to say they’re emotionally stunted  and haven’t aged a day past sixteen since before they were turned. I don’t really care which but it really speaks to how badly their relationship is destined to turn out.

Edythe says that it appears she’s stolen Beau from his friends. That would require Beau have friends rather than placeholders for the Cullens. Ed says she may not give him back. Beau wonders if that means they’re friends now. Edythe says she’s still not very good for him but she’s not going to fight it. Because she’s really put up solid resistance thus far.

Edythe continues to be cryptic in the same way a sexual predator would when trying to draw a teen into a meeting in real life. She asks if Beau has any idea what she is. Beau says he has some ideas but doesn’t want to say because they’re embarrassing. Edythe is frustrated by this and then says his girlfriend thinks Edythe is being mean to Beau. Beau says she’s not his girlfriend. That Ed already knows this, being psychic and all means they’re being a giant douche.

Beau asks for a favor from Edythe and that’s to be told next time she decides to ignore him. You know what kind of person begs for courtesy? Someone with zero self confidence. If Ed didn’t know Bella/Beau was a victim waiting to happen they do now. Again, I expect that from a sad sack teen like Bella/Beau but I also expect someone who’s over a century old to know better.

Edythe now says Beau owes her a favor. Beau agrees right up until she asks to be told one of his theories. He balks at this but Edythe pressures him. He wonders if she’s a hypnotist or he’s just a huge pushover. Considering you’re the only person to have purchased an extended warranty on batteries, I’m going to say she’s a hypnotist Beau. Watch out for the swirly coin and swinging locket.

Beau says bitten by a radioactive spider with the same enthusiasm people reserve for tickets to Eddie Murphy movies. ‘Uh, one for Norbit?’ Edythe says that’s not very original. Damn straight, Meyer. A story about a someone getting super powers from a spider bite is so played out. You know what would be truly original? If someone took a mythological creature, changed the legend’s rules regarding it and set it in the modern world. That would be fresh.

Edythe says no spiders or radiation and she’s even immune to Kryptonite. Then she warns that maybe she’s the villain. Beau asks if she’s the villain and says he doesn’t believe it. Remember kids, you can judge a book by the cover. And if you want to stick your dick between that cover and ruin a librarian’s day then you definitely should trust them.

Beau can tell she means what she says and is trying to warn him. He’s not bothered though because he’s the stupidest human on the planet. I’m starting to wonder if Beau isn’t a proto-human, engineered to want to die so we can have morally clear meat to enjoy. Beau is just fascinated by her.

Realizing that the cafeteria is empty, he says they’re going to be late. Ed says she’s not going because it’s healthy to skip class. Beau shows up and doesn’t get chastised for being late because the teacher is merely a prop. They’re going to do blood typing today and Beau begins to get nauseous, not realizing it’s the plot making him sick.

The funniest part of this scene is that the teacher says that they have slips for those who aren’t eighteen yet. So either Beau didn’t pay attention when the teacher handed those out, even knowing how squeamish he is, or he didn’t get one filled out. Teach asks if someone can walk Beau to the nurses office because he’s halfway to fainting. That’s probably much more responsible than calling ahead or taking him yourself.

McKayla get’s him halfway when Beau gives up and lays down on the sidewalk. Edythe then shows up and says she’ll take him the rest of the way and dismisses McKayla. They get to the office so Beau can have a lie down and some juice. McKayla then comes in with another student so Edythe says Beau should leave.

On the way out, Beau says he smelled the blood. Edythe claims that people can’t smell blood. Which is why so many slaughter houses operate right next to schools without being noticed. It’s also why murder scenes went unnoticed until the invention of crime scene units.

McKayla decides now is the best time to ensure that Beau is coming to the beach. Beau says sure and whines about how he keeps disappointing her but doesn’t mean to. Edythe then tells the school nurse that Beau isn’t feeling well and should probably be excused. In fact, Edythe will be driving him home and will be the last person to have seen her when the police come asking.

Edythe exerts her first real bit of control when she demands he get in the car so she can drive him home. What with his delicate state and all. Ed turns on the radio and Beau recognizes Debussy but only because his mom likes to listen to classical music, just like the pretentious snob Beau is. Ed asks how old Beau is and, when she hears seventeen, says he doesn’t seem that way. Which is one step away from saying “you have an old soul” which is pedo for “you’re older than you look so it’s okay to trap you in my van.”

Beau notices they’re driving very fast, compared to the speed of a Chinchilla I guess, and Ed asks about mom. There’s a dump of character traits which falls out of Beau’s mouth with the grace of a dead seal dropped from a helicopter. Rene is eccentric and acts young. Ed asks why she married Phil, a question I doubt Beau knows the actual answer to(because he’s hung like a bull).

Beau says that he guesses he makes her feel younger. Ed asks if Beau approves and he says yes. Edythe says this is very generous of Beau which has got to be a line. Unless Phil and Beau had some sort of bad blood between them, it’s not actually generous for Bella/Beau to be happy for Rene. It’s actually pretty narcissistic to think it matters how they feel about Phil in the scope of Rene’s marriage. Which is not completely unexpected from someone who thinks maturity is the ability to balance a checkbook and unclog a drain.

Beua asks about Edythe and the Cullens. He already knows she’s adopted so he asks what happened to her parents. They died years ago when their planet, Prykton, imploded. She says that Carine and Earnest have basically been the only parents she’s ever known .

“And you love them.” It wasn’t a question. It was obvious in the way she said their names.

It was so obvious we’re pretty sure the audience can’t pick up on it so we told you rather than showed you. Edythe says she can’t imagine two better people. You mean, aside from Beau? Being as Beau is the reason you’re breaking the rules which Carine, or Earnest, has surely had a hand in laying down. Or are you tired of living the uptight vampire life and just want to fuck someone to death while you drain them, just once?

They get to Beau’s house and Edythe says she’ll have the truck dropped off before Charlie gets home. Beau asks what she’s doing this weekend, hiking some trail. Edythe asks Beau to do her a favor and try not to get himself killed this weekend. She wouldn’t want all that delicious blood going to waste on some dumb old rocks that just wouldn’t appreciate it. Edythe drives off before Beau can give her the key to his truck but he realizes after that his pocket is empty.

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