Destined Chapters 14 & 15

Chapter 14

We’re still with Zoey who’s seemingly baffled by what Rephy told her. How can any man prefer woman who doesn’t spit bile into the eyes of their lover? She was going to have to ask Stark about that and gouge his eyes out if he dared say he hated it. Also, she doesn’t understand what Rephy means by hearing Kalona call him.

“Calling you? What the hell do you mean? I don’t hear anything.” I kept gawking around expecting the boogerman to jump at me.

At this point I have to assume that PCK is just fucking with me. This is the same Zoey whose dreams were being haunted by Kalona, right? The same girl who heard Nyx talk to her and no one else? The same Zoey who has had whispers of guidance from the author in the sky? And yet she can’t fathom what Rephy means by “calling” because she isn’t hearing Kalona shouting from the distance while ringing the dinner bell.

Rephy explains that it’s not a literal call that he has to furtively check then ignore while sheepishly trying to explain, unconvincingly, that he has Wrecking Ball on there ironically. Kalona can pull at him through the blood bond. Rephy thought that would have been broken by the change Nyx performed on him. He hasn’t been around long enough to know that that Nyx is a hall-assed deity.

Zoey says that she knows he’s doing his best and they can go get Darius and crew to follow Rephy to Kalona and tell him off once and for all. Rephy says that won’t be necessary, he’s just trying to resist the call and that he’s never had to do that before. Zoey says she totally understands because her mom choose a guy over her. Yes, your mother deciding she couldn’t stand the brat she raised is the same as Rephy resisting his immortal father.

Rephy then thinks Zoey’s idea was a good one and that she should come along to tell Kalona off. Zoey says she doesn’t trust Kalona because he once tried to kill her and he killed Heath. Rephy says that he used to be a good guy and Zoey saw that in him. Zoey says ok but if anything scares her, Stark will know about it and come running.

They wander over to the tree by the wall because of reasons. Supposedly it’s great because no one goes over there. You know, except for all the other people who use that tree to sneak over the wall. Kalona is looking in the other direction, pointedly ignoring Rephy approach. Then we get treated to this beautifully stilted conversation.

“Rephaim? Is it truly you, my son?”

…

“Yes, Father.” His voice got stronger as he spoke. “It is me, Rephaim, your son.”

‘Hello, son-bot 772. Initiating parental emotion subroutine. How are you today?’ ‘Generating random number, selecting response. It has been better.’ ‘Searching for empathy.bat. Error, file not found.’

Kalona is surprised at Rephy’s new form. He says Nyx forgave him and Zoey shouts that he’s a real boy now and he let’s the cricket on his should be his conscience. They argue about how he knows the difference between darkness and light and the difference is love. Because evil people in love could never do anything wrong, I suppose. Rephy says that there was very little love between him and Kalona in their relationship before.

Zoey says that the real worry is Neferet if they’re not together now. Kalona says that he’s not under her control anymore and she has a new consort. Zoey says Aurox isn’t her consort. Kalona says that he was referring to the white bull. Anywho, Kalona pulls the ‘enemy of my enemy is my friend’ bit. He offers to help Zoey take down Neferet because he’s mad at her.

Zoey asks if Kalona would testify before the vampire council who’s been about as effective as the UN on the regulation of badminton. Kalona says that would be a waste of time and he wants Neferet destroyed. Zoey asks if that means killing Neferet and Kalona scoffs, saying she’s immortal now. Apparently PCK’s brand of immortals are unkillable. Kalona says that the bull will be the key. Kalona then takes off after telling Rephy he knows how to find him.

Chapter 15

Zoey, being the every industrious student, skips out on class to go sit by the horses and think. Which has always been my favorite thing to read. I love nothing more than for characters to sit and ruminate about what’s going on. I mean, who would want actual plot to occur? Not me. I’d rather everyone just slow down and rehash everything we know already.

Let’s start with Kalona, for example. He’s probably not a good buy because PCK doesn’t believe in redemption. She gets distracted by making a cultural reference, True Blood, as always and says she’s only seen season three and needs to watch season four. Which I already established isn’t possible as this is, at best, early winter 2009. So True Blood hasn’t been on the air for more than a few months. Fuck your time warping bullshit, PCK.

Zoey is worried about Rephy and Kalona and thinks that’s a recipe for disaster. She also mulls over the undeadlings who are pretending not to be evil. Because we all know that once you’re evil you can never find redemption. Unless god comes down from her high horse and tells everyone that you’re one of the good guys now.

As if that’s not enough, Zoey also has to do a cleansing ritual on Grandma’s land. It’s supposed to be sad because Zoey’s reminded of her mother’s death. Of course if comes across as petulant and childish as only Zoey can make it. ‘Great, and now I have to cleanse the spot where my mother died. Could this day get any worse?’

Zoey then spots Heath running along in the shadows. Of course there’s plenty of moonlight to see him by and it’s ironic how his eyes look like moonstones. I’m still figuring out how that works. Maybe it’s ironic because you wouldn’t expect someone’s eyes to look like terrible jewelry. Zoey says that he’d be hot if she didn’t know what a killer he is.

Zoey gasps when she sees that he casts the shadow of a bull. Heath hears this and wanders over. He talks even more like an android with aspergers than the rest of the cast. He notes that Zoey is not crying tonight. Heath also wonders why she’s not in class as Neferet ordered everyone to class. Zoey asks why his shadow is a bull. Heath says it isn’t, Zoey says she saw it and Heath says the bull is part of him. Zoey asks which one but Heath is saved the answer when Stark shows up.

Stark immediately begins to glare angrily at Heath for no apparent reason. Look, PCK, just have them whip out their dicks and measure them already. I know you ladies have never met a man who didn’t beg for the sweet release of death, but not every boy is so insecure as to cock-walk and pose at the sight of another stag in the presence of his girlfriend. Even when they’re all teens who haven’t figured out what they want out of life.

Heath leaves and Stark says that he scares Zoey. Zoey almost explains why, about the shadow, but PCK interrupts them by having Thanatos show up. You might remember them as one of the vampire council members who was so instrumental in dealing with Kalona and Neferet a book or two ago. Or you might have forgotten as they have the same impact and profile of a mannequin.

Apparently Thanatos will be teaching Zoey on Mondays and she just skipped the first class. How many magical tutors does Zoey need already? Also, what will she be teaching Zoey, anyway?

I thought the way Eragon accumulated ancient masters and teachers of ancient arts was bad but at least he learned something, even if it was a joke. All Zoey’s teachers have ever done is affirm her status as the special snowflake she’s always believed herself to be. Them they mumble something about how she has a power they’ve never seen or how rare it is that she can see/do whatever then send her on her way.

Neferet appears and chastises Zoey for skipping out and Thanatos dismisses it. After all, if the protagonist and the reason for this universe’s being wants to piss her education down her leg, who is she to say otherwise? She then ropes Stark into helping cart in her luggage because that’s the best use of a warrior’s talents I guess.

Then we fast forward to lunch and they’re having spaghetti. That’s for anyone who was keeping a fictional health profile for Zoey so they can calorie count for her. They talk about their classes and how their schedules have all changed. Nothing rivets you to your seat like the class arrangements while there’s an armageddon a-brewing. Did Beavis get to keep her pottery class with Butthead? Is Rephy still in AP Geometry?

Rephy then mentions that Kalona was there. They refer to him as “he who cannot be named” because there’s nothing like making an overt reference to the series you’re ripping off. Butthead then says she knows how important dads are because hers isn’t close. Beavis says she didn’t know that bothered her. Wow, something the “twins” didn’t know about each other.

They decide to focus on getting their schedules and through the day. Zoey also says that they’ve got Thanatos on their side and she’s really powerful. The morons remind Zoey that being in the High Council Of Great Authority didn’t do much to keep Sheky from getting murdered. Zoey then whines about how everything feels off which is the author’s way of saying ‘that chaos Neferet is weaving is totally effective you guys!’

And that pretty much summed up the rest of the day: confusing, annoying, and just plain ugh.

It also sums up this whole series. Maybe the publisher should slap that on the omnibus box set.