Destined Chapters 8 & 9

Chapter 8

 

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated by me. It turns out that you totally can survive being harpooned by a hit squad when they’re only as talented as the people who hired them.

We’re still with Zoey who’s saying that, fine, she’ll go along to see her grandma. That is, on the condition that all her slaves attend her. After all, the grief my cause her to desire Count Cocula and that would be so ironic. We all know that hipsters like Zoey have to indulge their irony or else their mustaches strangle them.

This is another reason I hate Zoey. She just sits around and waits for something or someone to come to her. All the events in the world revolve not just around her but are within the orbit of her little locale. Zoey doesn’t even have to go down the street to investigate anything. I’d call her lazy but the authors made the world this pathetic. Of course, everyone already knows what it’s about.

Stark glanced at me and I gave another little nod. Then he said, “Zoey’s mom’s dead.”

Stupid question, PCK. Have you ever talked to a human being before? I know harpies celebrate the death of their mothers as it means they’re one step closer to sitting the royal roost but we humans are a little attached to our immediate family. So if Zoey, who’s a human in theory, thought something happened to her mom, why didn’t she try reaching her? Even just a phone call or two would have shown that Zoey cared. Sure, she might have been too busy to go check on her, if Zoey had time consuming duties, but we’d infer she gave a shit.

Instead, Zoey has a prophetic dream and goes right back to boning Stark after getting weepy. Dick rates a bit higher than mom, in Zoey’s mind. And that’s fine if you want to write a sociopath who secretly resents her mother, I’m looking at you, younger Cast. I’ll bet a gold fiddle that Zoey will weep and we’re supposed to empathize with her. Everyone one pats Zoey on the head and tells her they love her and please don’t lock them out in the cold again before she walks over to Grandma.

Grandma didn’t look surprised that I’d known. She just nodded and said, “Yes, u-we-tsi-a-ge-ya. Your mother is dead. Did her spirit come to you?”

“In a way. Last night, while I was asleep, Nyx showed me Mom entering the Otherworld.”

‘So, how’s school?’ ‘Good.’ ‘Keeping up on your classes?’ ‘Here and there.’ ‘Guess you already know about your mom.’ ‘She’s dead.’ ‘Oh good. You know already. Let’s say we go grab some lunch then so this trip isn’t entirely wasted?’

Grandma shudders while Zoey and friends tell their elements to comfort Grandma. Zoey sure as fuck risking that old person smell getting into her clothes by offering her a hug. At least not until she’s certain magic can’t fix the problem. Grandma thanks everyone for using their magic in the petty ways before blaming herself. She was off at a powwow instead of home where the lavender was dying to be milked.

Zoey decides she can wash her hands afterwards and grabs Grandma’s hands to comfort her. Zoey says no, Grandma couldn’t have done anything to keep mom alive. Which is supposed to be comforting, but comes across as belittling. ‘Seriously grandma, you couldn’t have done anything. I mean, you can barely even walk, let alone use magic.’

Zoey asks if her mom suffered, secretly hoping it was modeled after the things she saw in Hostel. Grandma says, no she died quickly and when she was found, Grandma figured she was just sleeping in a field. Which makes sense because getting your throat slashed then bleeding out leaves people with the sunniest look on their face.

Zoey updates Grandma on her status as queen of the underground depot and Grandma’s proud. They finally hug and Zoey offers her a cot at the depot. Grandma dismisses the offer, saying she has to cleanse her land and home. Also, she wants Zoey and crew to stop by in a week to perform a cleansing ritual. Never mind a god be damned funeral for the dead woman, they’ve got to get the spirit gunk off of Grandma’s floors.

Zoey feels bad about not being able to reconcile with her mom for a bit then wanders off to cry. Over to Heath who’s just noticing that the girl is making his pants feel tight. He figures it must be that Neferet said Zoey is an enemy, that makes her dangerous and his pants tent is just his spider senses going off.

Dragon is whining about the new classes and having a raven in them. Neferet says he’s not a raven any longer and Heath says that Rephy still calls the other ravens his brothers. Neferet says that’s very interesting and Stevie says that’s stupid as they are his brothers. Heath then wanders off and notices he can feel Zoey’s emotions.

This is different because he normally just feeds off the emotions. Instead he’s feeling empathy and it bothers him. He grabs a floating tissue that appears, deus ex papyrum, carried by the wind and takes it over to her. She says she wants to be left alone and Heath says she will need the tissue before wandering off.

Chapter 9

Zoey is confused that Heath(Aurox) brought her a tissue. Really, Zoey? Considering all the weird things that have happened thus far, from parental death to resurrections, that’s what weirds you out? It’s because that reminds her of Heath and Neferet couldn’t have put him up to it because she didn’t know Heath. That Zoey would assume Neferet’s plan would be fooling her into thinking Heath was alive and be right is a whole other kettle o’ fish.

Zoey then realizes she might be seeing good where there is none like Kalona. Then Stark shows up with a box of tissues and breaks her chain of thought. Zoey whines to him about not wanting to be treated differently because of her mom. Because that’s what would concern you after losing an immediate family member, that people will treat you differently. How dare they attempt to comfort you in a time of grief. They should be focusing on the important things like fetching snacks and foot massages.

Stark then kisses Zoey and says she’s strong and covered in awesomesauce. Zoey says that’s the dorkiest thing she’s ever heard. Then Zoey wants to know where Stark learned that word, because while the internet and True Blood exists in this universe, Urban Dictionary does not. Then they banter a bit and Zoey punches him for saying pussy.

No really, because McVampy told Stark to take care of his queen and that he’ll do worse than the scratches he did earlier if Stark fails. “Ach, well, lassie. It wasna much more than pussy scratches.” Stark defends himself by saying pussy across the pond means cat. Stark, if you have to defend your word choices to someone, they’re probably not the person you want to be with. Especially since no one in their right mind would assume you meant genitals when referring to scratches. Unless Zoey has some really fucked up anatomy.

Then Krammy comes over with the new girl, Shaylin. She’s the blind girl who can see now and gained the ability to read auras the moment she got converted. She says that Zoey is purple. Damien says she may have the gift of True Sight™ which he read about in the advanced handbook. Everyone then makes fun of Damien for doing homework. Because there is nothing stupider than reading up on what is essentially a medical condition you live with for hundreds of years.

Neferet comes over and notices Shaylin is red, not blue. Shaylin faints because the villain has no aura. Neferet says that makes sense, as she was broken before. They take her towards the depot and Shaylin comes to, having faked a fainting spell. Shaylin says that Neferet’s aura was the color of dead fish eyes. They decide that they need to find the advanced vampire kiddie handbook and look up the truest of sights.

Then Aphro says the word retard and PCK drops morality on everyone by having Zoey chastise her and tell her she need to go to a website all about it. Then they get on the bus because Rephy has, magically, anticipated the need for the handbook and retrieved one already. This book has more convenience than a 7-11 which gives out free blowjobs with purchase of free sample.

The bus arrives at the depot where Zoey and crew are immediately accosted by their cats. Krammy says they were there already before they arrives and Zoey is shocked. She says that must mean they are truly home now. Then she cuddles with her cat to try and forget that people die and that Shaylin’s eyes are the color of moonstones. Yes, I failed to notice that their new oracle’s eyeballs are pure white because that’s never been done before.