Untamed Chapter 31

I think I’ve asked this before but where do the vampires get all the money for the school? Let’s take a look at what we do know. One, they’re a private school that doesn’t answer to any state education official. We know this because Zoey’s learned absolutely nada about science and math, things that are pretty important. Also, I’m willing to bet that most of the students at the “house of night” couldn’t pass a standardized test if their life depended on it. So thanks for making everyone else look stupid, fledglings.

Two, all of these kids are emancipated according to PCK. Which is stupid, but if you want to play that card, PCK, that means bad things for the school. See, emancipation doesn’t just mean that they’re legally adults and they can do what they want, when they want. It also means their parents aren’t legally responsible for them. That’s good news for the parents of vampires because that means they aren’t stuck with a massive tuition bill so their kids can fly to Europe for Shakespeare contests.

So where does all the cash come from? The only hypothesis I can entertain is that the adults are forced to tithe a certain percentage of their earnings for as long as they live. Because if they’re getting money from the government and the vampires are frittering it away on private jets it’s time to take the superintendent to task with torches and pitchforks.

Anywho, everyone else is out there waiting for Zoey and crew. Which is an incredible dick move, if you ask me. Even is Zoey were the actual priest, she should be there first and leave there last. You’re not a rock star, Zoey, you don’t get to make the attendees wait until you’re ready to rock. Zoey looks around and feels safe because the “sons of erebus” are there.

I was glad to see all the Sons of Erebus. The warriors had situated themselves all along the outside of the circle, but they’d also taken up positions on top of the big stone-and-brick wall that surrounded the school. I knew it was probably making it a pain in the butt for Stevie Rae and the red fledglings to get onto the school grounds, but between the Raven Mockers, Kalona, and whoever had been killing vampyres—they made me feel safe.

Really, PCK? “whoever had been killing vampires” as if there’s some sort of question about it. Zoey knows that, of the two who’ve died, Loren was killed by Neferet. And being as Loren was left with a bible verse and crucified, it puts a lot of suspicion on the death of the other lady(who’s name I can’t recall). Stop trying to play it up like there’s any kind of mystery to be had.

Have I mentioned that the vampires are dicks? Of course I have but I’ll reiterate. Instead of getting started, Sheky walks up to Zoey and they talk about grandma. Never mind the how many ever people gathered there for their religious ceremony. That all goes on hold while Zoey talks about her grandma’s car accident. Then Zoey asks where Neferet is and Sheky says she was just there a moment ago.

This is when Zoey starts feeling alarm bells going off. Not when Neferet wanted the ritual to go ahead like Zoey does, no she’s worried because Neferet’s MIA. Sheky then says that there’s one more thing that she needs to tell Zoey. See, for a big cleansing ritual like this they need to mix the blood of an adult with the wine they offer to the elements and Erik has volunteered. Sheky then goes to take her “place”, meaning who knows what.

Jack says that’s the surprise he was talking about and isn’t it great that Erik is there? Zoey is not happy because things are still supposed to be awkward. Just wait until you suffer a wardrobe malfunction, Zoey. Jack and Damien thought it would be good news because it’ll show they can get along in public or something. Then Zoey gets ready to start by taking a few deep breaths before heading out.

Jack starts playing the music, Erik recites a poem and Zoey dances around. Excited yet? What if I told you that Zoey spent most of the time in between complaining about Loren and being used by him? That’s the riveting prose that keeps PCK’s fans coming back for more. Finally the shitty poem ends, as does Zoey’s bitch session.

The poem ended as I joined Erik in the middle of the circle in front of Nyx’s table. I looked up at him. He was tall and heart-stoppingly handsome dressed all in black, which complemented his dark hair and intensified the blue of his eyes.

Gee, are you sure he’s really that handsome, Zoey? Because I distinctly remember how he couldn’t compare to Loren because he was a “grown. ass. man.” Oh, I get it. Erik is back to being the hottest thing between the sun and a supernova because he’s an adult and a teacher. That means that, like Loren, he’s off limits. And we all know the only good love is forbidden.

Erik then hands her a knife because…what? Wait, if a ceremonial knife is to be used by the priest then shouldn’t she have brought it in with her? Zoey looks at the knife and is nervous about it because she’s cool with hurting people but Erik is hot. Erik has to instruct her how to cut his hand and they have a little whisper chat while everyone is watching them.

Finally, Zoey get the courage together to cut Erik’s precious hand. She describes the blood and says it smells indescribably delicious. Which is weird because I remember Zoey saying that vampire blood wasn’t all that interesting compared to human blood. Then she thanks Erik, and summons the element in an agonizingly slow way that I can only assume is punishment to the audience. This is what they get for daring to read something written by PCK.

Zoey then stops when she gets to earth. She says that, blah blah Aphro had the gift but it was only temporary until it got back to Stevie, blah blah blah. Things we already know but have to be told again because PCK assumes we’re as dumb as the post that serves as her editor and chief. Zoey then prays to Nyx to make this work, which again is stupid because Nyx, supposedly, can’t do anything because of free will. Luckily Stevie dramatically shows up when Zoey says her name.

As soon as I said her name, there was a fluttering movement in the big oak and the night-darkened boughs that spread over our heads, and then Stevie Rae dropped gracefully from the branch above us.

And how exactly did Stevie get up in that tree? Yes, PCK, I know she climbed it. I meant, how exactly did Stevie get inside past all the “warriors” guarding the place while on high alert? It better have been some sort of plot magic or else Zoey has put her faith in the worst group of security guards. At least we know who they keep hiring to guard priceless artifacts in all those cat burglar/heist movies.

Stevie goes over to Aphro’s spot and thanks her for keeping her place warm. A scene which is amusing if you picture Aphro sitting on a toilet seat in midwinter. Aphro says she’s glad Stevie could come and stands down. Then, with Stevie in her rightful place, she says that now Zoey can invoke earth and the chapter ends. Great, so the next chapter will be even more ceremony. There won’t be any room left for a climax by the time Zoey it done wiggling her fingers and mumbling magic spells.

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