So, I have to ask, what exactly is the point of Kalona? It’s just that he sounds like a big bad/satan character and those usually have a point. Sometimes, it’s to tie the character’s story into something bigger than themselves and others serve as a point of definition on a scale of morals. But those antagonists have goals and a purpose that exists, typically, independent of the main character. What exactly does Kalona bring to the party?
Well, so far his legends say he liked to rape and that’s evil. So Kalona is evil, we got that PCK, but what does he want? Is that all he really wants is an endless supply of women? Again, that makes him a bad guy but not A-List material. More like the villain in a porn parody of the Green Lantern movie. ‘Behold! I have the yellow ring…of lust! And I will use it to seduce all of the earth women!’
We’re still with Zoey’s servants and they’re busy parsing the rest of the “poem”, still. Which is terribly exciting, isn’t it? I mean, nothing is more riveting that having a crew of unlikable teens sit around and figure out rock stupid poetry. That’s why Reservoir Dogs was such an abysmal failure, no teens or stupid poetry. They go over it and Erin chimes in once they finished reading it to us, one more time.
“Sadly, most of the rest of it isn’t too tough to figure out,” Erin said. We all gawked at her. “Okay, I’ll admit—under duress—that I actually learned something last semester in Poetry class. So sue me. Anyway, except for the first line, it’s just saying that he’s gonna start raping and pillaging women again when he’s free.”
Wait, why is it sadly not too tough to figure out? Shouldn’t that be a good thing? Unless the person who came up with that prophecy wanted to be a dick about it and keep people from figuring it out. And why does Erin feel like she has to defend herself for learning things? Oh, right. Because if Erin dares to hint she’s even a hair smarter than Zoey, she’ll get an elemental lobotomy.
And they’re still talking about the poem. Just endless chatter as the figure this out so slowly that even the tubeworms are screaming at the book. They finally realize it might be partly symbolic and the mention of the earth bleeding and Kalona being woken by “the dead hand” may not refer to the bleeding arm of a corpse. Of course Zoey must be the one to figure it out or else the status quo will be ruined.
I ignored Aphrodite and grabbed Damien’s arm. “It’s Stevie Rae—she was dead, and now she’s undead. She bleeds. She bleeds a lot. Plus she has psychic powers, along with other major earth powers. What if she’s the queen?”
Probably not, Zoey. Neferet’s the queen and Stevie’s is the dead as well as the bleeding earth. There, I’ve just saved you pages of idle speculation and a few ounces of ink. Can we move on now and have something happen? Only it doesn’t end and I want to scream. Aphro then says something about the other undeadlings and Zoey realizes her servants know nothing about them. So Zoey explains all about how some of the others that died have undergone resurrection. Don’t worry, Zoey fans, no one will get mad at her for withholding information.
Weirdly enough, it was sweet Jack who saved me. “You mean this is more stuff you couldn’t tell us ’cause you didn’t want us accidentally thinking about it and having Neferet, who really isn’t one of the good guys, listening in to our minds and finding out that you knew?”
Naturally, everyone accepts this, asking if Neferet’s behind the dead kids. Well, I’d say Nyx is behind them because she makes people vampires and allows some of them to die. And, apparently, the resurrection part just happens without Neferet’s interference so the only part she’s responsible for is brain washing them. Which she does to the “living” fledglings under her control so I’m not seeing much of a difference.
With that done, Zoey’s servants actually apologize to her for being so mean to her. They say that it must have been hard, being as Neferet can’t read her mind, and withholding info from them. Here’s a question, how is Zoey so certain that Neferet can’t read her mind? What if Neferet, being the clever schemer that she is, allows Zoey to think that so Zoey doesn’t guard her thoughts? Lucky for them, Neferet traded her brain for a set of magic beans and can’t think that far ahead. Once they’re done kissing Zoey’s ass, she say’s they’ve got work to do.
“So, now that you guys know everything, we have a lot of work to do,” I said. I had everyone’s attention. “Like Stevie Rae said, we gotta make sure if Stark wakes up, he doesn’t do it with Neferet there all waiting to make him into her minion.”
Translation, everyone else will do all the work while Zoey frets about Erik and Stark and being loved by all the boys. Woe to the woman who gets attention from people she likes for she is the one suffering more than anyone else. Someone should really move to get Zoey her own coin or at least a quest appearance on a quarter. Oh, and I think you’ll enjoys the reaction of Beavis and Butthead to Stark’s resurrection.
“Ugh,” Shaunee said.
“It’s so damn gross, ’cause he was so damn fine,” Erin said.
‘Why do bad things have to happen to pretty people?’ ‘Because otherwise we wouldn’t care.’ Jack says that he might still be “fine” and that they if they’re going to refer to him they should use his initials. Why? Out of respect for his dog. Right, because his dog was so upset that they kept saying his name. She was just about to go jump off a bridge but stopped when she no longer heard them saying “stark”.
The group then decides that it will be one of the other undeadlings who will awaken Kalona and not Stevie because she shits rainbows and gummy bears. They say that all the others kids are gross and Aphro compares them to “blue collar workers”. This makes Zoey come to their defense saying there’s nothing wrong with blue collar workers. Zoey says that Stevie reports that they’re under control and not dangerous. She says it’s a good thing because Stevie and the “red” fledglings are coming to the ritual tomorrow.
My friends gaped at me.
Is this the part where everyone starts saying that, they’re no racist or anything, but they don’t feel comfortable around undeadlings. Aphro explains that she doesn’t have an earth affinity anymore. Zoey says that, although Aprho is human, she’s not a normal human because she still has visions. This is all stuff we know and don’t need to hear, PCK. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say this. Stop repeating yourself and trust the audience to remember, PCK.
Damien says that Aphro is like Stevie, something new, and that the world is changing. I would agree if we knew anything about PCK’s world as it is. Zoey then assigns tasks to her servants. Jack and Damien will install the nanny cam because electronics are complicated. Zoey says she’ll talk to Sheky and formally get permission for grandma to stay. They others say they’ll avoid Neferet and Aphro says no. They don’t understand until she says that if they avoid her, she’ll know something’s up and start actively scanning their thoughts.
They talk about ways to convince Neferet that they’re harmless folks with no dangerous thoughts. They ask if Neferet really thinks they’re clueless. Aphro says that Neferet regularly underestimates her and she probably underestimates them as well. I’d say that Neferet overestimates Zoey’s servants. Zoey then starts speculating about whether the “raven mockers” could be growing stronger just like Kalona and they might be dangerous. No, I’m sorry PCK, I’m not sold on the idea. You know why the dementors were scary? Because Rowling showed us how dangerous they were. She didn’t spend multiple chapters having everyone talking them up.
They then talk about “smudging” all of their rooms and making their cats do a diversion with the dog. Then they go over the plan one more time in shorthand because PCK can’t remember what she’s written about. As everyone leaves to do their assigned tasks, Zoey says that Aphro has really gotten herself into “crap” this time. Aphro then mutters about all her current blessings and that she can’t wait to see what’s next.