I noticed that, so far, I neglected to mention Zoey’s age. It’s seventeen as PCK has taken pains to mention multiple times throughout the last couple of chapters. So I did some research on Oklahoma state laws because I can read foreshadowing. Title 21 of Oklahoma law declares that sex under the age of sixteen is not kosher so Zoey should be good to do Loren like they’re trying to repopulate the world, right? Not exactly.
Some of you may remember how I made a big deal that Loren was her teacher. Yeah, see most people and places look down on that sort of thing as teachers are inherently authority figures. It turns out Oklahoma law prohibits a teacher from sleeping with a student that goes to their school unless the student is twenty. (§21-1123v2 section B sub section 3). Which means Loren had best stay away from Zoey unless he wants one count of sexual battery.
I bring this up not just to say Loren is a creepy pedobear mascot, which he is. It’s that no one seems to have a problem with this, at all. Loren doesn’t care, Zoey doesn’t care and her friends don’t care. I doubt PCK knows it would be illegal and, even if she did, she would probably excuse it because Loren is hot. Or in her own words.
Oh. My. God. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and turn to dust and have the breeze blow me anywhere just as long as it was away. Instead I turned around. Sure enough, Loren Blake, Vampyre Poet Laureate and the Best-Looking Male in the Known Universe, was standing there with a smile on his classically handsome face.
I like how Zoey calls him a “male” and not a man. That combined with “Best-Looking” makes him sound like a show dog. And what do you mean by “classically handsome”, PCK? Are we talking the classical period of Greek sculpture, the era of classical musical compositions or perhaps the classical period in comics?
Now that the two are facing each other, they both turn into stereotypical alpha males. The preen and bristle at one another while Zoey watches. I like how these supposedly atypical guys turn into the image of a raging jackass the second Zoey enters the mix. PCK is trying to imply that Zoey is that desirable but I like to picture her messing with them using her powers because she loves being the center of attention.
I looked from Erik to Loren. Testosterone was practically visible in the air between them. Jeesh, they were acting totally guy-like. Especially Erik. I swear I wouldn’t have been surprised if he knocked me over the head and started dragging me around by my hair. Which was not an attractive mental image.
I’d like to know who came up with the image of cavemen dragging women around by the hair and slap them so hard their head spins off. All the guys are doing is trading banter and it’s not even clever at that. When Zoey did that with Aphrodite, she didn’t accuse Aphrodite of being a cavewoman or a Neanderthal. Now if Erik was puffing his chest out and getting confrontational with Loren, physically, then you could accuse him of caveman behavior, Zoey.
Erik says that they were just having a little birthday kiss and puts his arm around her. He then says that they’ve been dating, in case Loren hasn’t heard. Loren, having the same mental capacity as a bowl of fruit, says that he has. Then he tells Zoey to clean herself up and storms off while Zoey says it’s embarrassing. Something that goes on for a few paragraphs as she laments how Loren saw Erik with his hand on her boob. Erik says he’s not embarrassed and is glad Loren saw them.
“You’re glad? Since when has public making-out become a turn-on for you?” Great. Erik was a kinky freak boy and I was just now finding out.
Zoey, you need to go on the internet more. Erik isn’t saying he gets off on exhibitionism but even if he was, making out in public isn’t kinky. Especially for a teen, making out in public is pretty common. Erik tells Zoey that he doesn’t like how Loren looks at her as not a student even though he’s a teacher. Zoey says that even Erik said Loren’s not a real professor. It doesn’t matter, Zoey. He’s still an adult in the employ of the school. Erik points out that she calls him by his first name and Zoey tries to brush it off as he helped her do research for the DDs, knowing full well that’s stretching the truth.
Then Zoey says that she may have shown Loren her markings so he could get “inspiration” for his poetry. Zoey’s the kind of girl that would fall for a guy needing a “model” for his art, wouldn’t she? This is why she shouldn’t be let out of the house without an adult to handle her money. Then she asks of Erik is jealous of him. He says no then yes, trying to cover his rage boner while he tells her he just doesn’t feel right.
They skip to the next subject when Erik asks if she’s figured out who’ll stand in for earth during her next full moon ceremony. Zoey whines that it would have been hard enough with Stevie regular dead but even harder with her undead. Yeah, how awkward to have someone stand in her place when the slavering corpse who was Stevie could be present. Erik volunteers to do it though I don’t having marble pale skin means you’re an earth type. Maybe it’s time for Zoey to bring out her Geodude?
Zoey says okay and Erik wants to practice being in a circle. Then Zoey’s other slaves show up and make comments on how the two have made up. So they banter and it hurts. PCK writes the kind of dialogue that could only be replicated by a herd of cats puking live mice. They wants to know if Zoey and Erik would like to go to a rescreening of 300 in IMAX tomorrow. Why exactly a theater would decide to recreen a two year old action flick—when this came out and in IMAX no less—on Christmas day at midnight is baffling. At least I could see the theater doing late showing for all the local vampires. Like how a college town will cater to the students during the school year.
They all decide to go back to their separate dorms. The boys wish Zoey a happy birthday, again while Damien loudly whines about how expensive his scarf was. Just pull some more cash out of thin air like Erik does or don’t but quite complaining about it, Damien. Jack says his snow globe wasn’t expensive while Damien is fixated on the scarf being made of cashmere. Then Zoey assures them all that she still loved the presents. Zoey tells Erik she’ll wear the snowman even in the summer, they kiss and then Zoey goes back to her room.
I echoed Erik’s fading laughter as I grabbed my lavender pot, hugged Dracula to my bosom, and went into the dorm with my friends. And I began to actually think that maybe I could figure out a solution to the Stevie Rae issue and we could all be together again.
PCK almost ends this chapter without a cliffhanger. The urge must have been too great because she throws out a single sentence saying that Zoey would discover just how naïve that belief was. Which means Stevie will have to be staked out in the sun and then burnt at high noon. Afterwards, her ashes will have to be buried on consecrated land. Or the power of the author will intervene and fix everything.
Vivisector's Writ 