Inheritance Chapter 25

This chapter is called “a heart-to-heart”. I can only hope that means Eragon will have his heart ripped out and eaten by Saphira as an appetizer before she consumes him. ‘Now your power is mine!’

Though Chris spent the last chapter telling us how special and wonderful Eragon is, he thinks we haven’t quite gotten our fill of him. So we remain with him and he’s still practicing with Arya. Which is exactly what we were doing last time.

Look, Chris. You don’t insert a chapter break when nothing changes. That’s like putting a commercial break anywhere in Dragonball Z. And why haven’t you learned anything about chapter names? It’s been eight years already. I figured after that long you would have learned to stop ruining the suspension, laughable as it is, by telegraphing spoilers at us.

Anywho, because Chris wants to assure us that he’s supports equality across genders Arya and Eragon come to a draw twice more and can’t keep fighting. Which is fine but I do want to point out, in my usual dickish manner, that if Eragon is no better than Arya then that means they don’t need him to be a swordsman.

Let me explain, from a story perspective Eragon is the Only One Who Can Save us. Fine, it’s an old character type and about as original as sin but it can work. Being as it is Destiny, and not skill, that decides Eragon’s fate then he doesn’t need any of those elaborate skills he has. Instead, those skills would be better served given to a secondary character or two or even a whole band. You know, a group of people whose job is to ensure mister important gets to his date with destiny on time. That would allow a cast of colorful and useful characters to help breathe life into the story. Instead, we get Eragon who’s just good at everything and better than everyone.

They finally stop sparring because they’re too tired. Hopefully the Imperials will be kind enough to let them catch their breath, take a nap and get a deep tissue massage before initiating battle. It’d be a real shame if they attacked the Varden while they were busy watching Arya and Eragon spar.

Once they’re finished they go back to Eragon’s tent. Don’t worry, Chris isn’t forced to depict a graphic love scene where his mom night read it. Instead they heal their wounds, the ones that weren’t worth mentioning, and trade in their shields for new ones. That tingling in your stomach is the nonstop, roller coaster ride taking you to heights of excitement and not a developing ulcer from suppressing the lies on the jacket copy. Finally, Nasuada intervenes and says they need to talk.

When they arrived at the tent, they found Nasuada waiting for them, along with her usual accompaniment of guards. “It’s about time,” she said in a tart voice. “If the two of you are done trying to batter each other to pieces, we need to talk.” Without another word, she ducked inside.

Does this mean Nasuada is breaking up with them? Damn, she’s not. Instead she’s asking them if that was Glaedr she felt. They confirm and she about craps herself in joy. But that’s been leaving a hole which has been bugging me for awhile now.

If the dead dragons can contact people with their Eldunari without being in physical contact or needing to touch people who are magicians in the first place, then why aren’t the one Gabby has doing that? Why aren’t they contacting Eragon and telling him what ol’ Gabs is up to? And even if they have limited range, they should be bothering the locals near the capital. The least they could do is mentally scream about Gabby being evil and turning people away. Or they could even reach some of the good hearted folks that undoubtedly work for the evil empire. For once, even Chris can’t ignore all those questions.

“Ah, I knew it!” she exclaimed, sounding satisfied. Then her expression became uncertain. “May I speak with him? Is it … allowed, or will he only communicate with an elf or a Rider?”

‘Uh, now’s not a good time.’ ‘What do you mean?’ ‘He’s, uh, having some alone time.’ ‘Well that’ll have to wait.’ ‘Look, he’s alone with Saphira.’ ‘And?’ ‘And I’m not retrieving Glaedr’s Eldunari or even touching it until we invent the sanitary wipe.’

I will speak with you, Nasuada, daughter of Ajihad, Glaedr said, his voice echoing in their heads. Ask of me what you will, then leave us to our work; there is much that still needs to be done in order to prepare Eragon for the challenges ahead.

Great, this means Eragon is going to have to go through yet another training sequence. Why doesn’t someone sit Eragon down and train him properly for once, rather than half assing it and making him do it again? All I can say is I hope they don’t take the same approach to CPR or first aid or everybody in the land is screwed.

Nasuada asks where Glaedr is, Eragon tells her by pointing and they exchange pleasantries. ‘So, Glaedr, how are you?’ ‘Oh, fine. Got killed and suffer the pain of death without release now that I’m trapped in this stone. You?’ ‘Oh, you know. Still just defying logic with my incompetent leadership.’ We’re told she spends some times explaining the situation but again, Glaedr wants to get back to training Eragon as soon as possible.

Finally, Glaedr says that he sees no clear way for the Varden but he’ll think on it. Wow, I can see why they needed his input. Nothing like a thousand year old dragon to analyze a situation with his superior intellect and come up with a decisive solution. And if he couldn’t come up with a plan, then that must mean that it’s impossible and that it requires author intervention. That or it’ll require strength from within.

Nasuada isn’t happy but she thanks Glaedr for his time, as if he has better things to do, and leaves. Then Eragon sits down as does Arya, and they drink some water and Eragon’s hungry again. He then decides he’ll go get a hot meal from, get this, the Varden’s cooks or else he’ll have to eat cold food.

And with that my mind was completely blown. Eragon getting food from the Varden kitchen? And here I thought he might get on Saphira and fly over to Spago for a gourmet dinner followed up by a glass of the house red. And why would he have to settle for cold food anyway? If the Varden are truly a large a force as Chris has told us, there’d have to be meals cooking around the clock. Just the number of soldiers standing guard at night would be large enough to warrant that. But for narrative purposes, the Varden operate like a small Midwestern town where everything shuts down at seven.

Then Chris ignores all that as Glaedr starts training Eragon in the finer point of Legilimency and Occlumency, I mean “mental combat”. Look, Chris. The concept of telepaths battling it out, and in a medieval setting no less, has already been done and done better by authors who never received half the recognition you did. If you ever read this, Paolini, try Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb. On second thought, don’t. I don’t want you to steal from that book too.

Eragon and Glaedrmind spar now which is doubly exciting as the last chapter. Eragon fails because he’s a saiyan and that’s the only way for him to get stronger. Then Glaedr has Arya mind spar with the chosen one. Of course, though she’s tired, she’s better at it then Eragon. And while I’d say it’s because she’s far older and has learned a thing or two, Chris doesn’t want us to think crazy thoughts like that. So he tells us that it’s just because the elves are so awesome.

Her self-mastery was a trait Eragon had noticed was common among the elves. Foremost in that regard had been Oromis, who, it seemed to Eragon, had been in such perfect command of himself, never the slightest doubt or worry had bothered him. Eragon considered the elves’ restraint an innate characteristic of their race, as well as a natural outcome of their rigorous upbringing, education, and use of the ancient language. Speaking and thinking in a language that prevented one from lying—and every word of which contained the potential to unlock a spell—discouraged carelessness in thought or speech and fostered an aversion to allowing one’s emotions to sweep one away. As a rule, then, elves possessed far more self-control than the members of other races.

Ok, let’s do this one moronic statement at a time. First off, if they have so much self control then how come they were so easily goaded into warring with the dragons? Secondly, if ancient language carries the inherent risk of setting off magic randomly, why don’t they have a secondary language they use to chat without that? That’d be like wearing boots made of bombs to prevent ass kicking contests. Sure it’d work, as long as no one figured out you could use an alternative like leather. And if they control their emotions so well, like Spock, then how come they do things just like humans? Arya gets mad all the time, wolfelf was a smartass to Glaedr and the elf queen was angry that humans dared touch their woods. So are they Vulcans or are they humans with pointy ears and long lives? Pick one and stick to it, Chris.

Also, if Eragon sucks at all these skills, then how is he going to beat Gabby? Even if he gets just slightly better than the resident experts, like Arya, how will that be enough to defeat Gabs? I mean, word of author says that the elves can’t defeat Gabby with their combined might. I doubt Eragon is going to tip the scales in favor. Hell, I’ll bet that won’t even factor in the end.

They spar for awhile, pagewise, and when they finish, Glaedr is depressed. Glaedr states the obvious, that Eragon can’t learn the skills he needs in a matter of days plus he needs to know a bunch of other stuff. Eragon shrugs and doesn’t really care. He says that he’ll let fate decide. Is that Eragon becoming self aware? Does he know he’s an Avatar and the author won’t let him die? Glaedr says sure and retreats into his pokeball.

Then, assuming Glaedr isn’t listening, Arya and Eragon start talking about him behind his back. They say that Brom is the only other person who survived such a traumatic experience. Then they wonder if Glaedr will go silent again once Gabby’s defeated. Eragon says they can’t let him and Arya says it’s Glaedr’s choice. Incidentally, Glaedr’s Choice didn’t win any awards. Probably because it’s about a large, gold dragon picking between pork and beef as he flies across the countryside.

Saphira leaves Arya and Eragon alone and Arya doesn’t leave Eragon’s tent. And they stay up talking about all sorts of meaningless things. Then they start that conversation where one of them hints at having feelings. Eragon asks what Arya wants to do after the war. Instead of answering, she asks what he wants to do. He says go back to the valley and build a shack where he can collect cats and scare children. Arya says she’ll probably stay on as ambassador for her mom, at least until she gets her degree. They chat some more and Arya goes to leave. Eragon then tries grabbing at her wrist to stop her from leaving.

“Wait,” he said softly, unsure of what he hoped for, but hoping nevertheless. The beat of his heart increased, pounding in his ears, and his cheeks grew warm.

I’m guessing he’s about to start begging for sex. Hopefully it’ll only take one rejection for him to learn it doesn’t work. Arya shrugs his hand off and leaves after wishing him a goodnight. In the next chapter, Eragon starts pestering her for a date until she has to get a restraining order against him. Eragon will violate it constantly until her boyfriend beats him up and leaves him unconscious in the dumpster of an Applebee’s.