Yes, there’s a part three. Though this thing skips from seven to nine without a marker for eight. To be fair, which is beyond charitable with Otis, it might not have gotten copied properly as this is an early leak. That’s probably not her fault as she’d never pass up a chance to telegraph the chapter with its stupid title.
Oh yes, I haven’t been mentioning the chapter titles, have I? I got so into the recaps that I didn’t notice they had titles. My mind just sort of blanked them out until I couldn’t find chapter eight, at which point I started reading them and cringing. Yeah, let’s just say that Otis could challenge Chris for most spoilerific chapter titles ever.
And because this last remainder will be kind of short, I figured I’d add those to this post. Chapter one was called ‘First Sight’. Which makes perfect sense because it’s all about the first thing Ed ever saw as a vampire. Oh wait, no. It’s all about the first time he saw Bella. Because Bella is the only thing Ed would ever see for the first time that would be worth noticing. Even if a midget painted in tiger stripes ran screaming through the halls as he flagellates himself with a fishing rod, something I’d bet Ed has never seen, ‘First Sight’ would not be about that. Bella’s just that important.
Chapter two is called ‘Open Book’. Much like a rogue AI in a SyFy original movie, I think Otis is starting to become self aware. Maybe she realizes her stories could be used to check atmospheric purity. ‘Hold your copy of Twilight up. If the air isn’t as transparent as Twilight, you have pollution.’
Chapter three is ‘Phenomenon’. Ah, so that’s how come Ed is so “smart”. Damn you aliens! On the upside, he’ll die of a brain tumor shortly after and that’ll be worth it.
Chapter four is ‘Visions’. Yes, I’m getting something now, Otis. I see a lot of well deserved criticism and a complete lack of shame coupled with greed.
Chapter five is ‘Invitations’. ‘Dear Miss Myer. You are herby cordially invited to attend a free writer’s workshop courtesy of literate people everywhere. While admission is free, we ask that you bring a pine box with an unsealed lid for demonstration purposes. Thank you in advance. P.S. The building will be clearly marked with an “Author Barbecue” sign.’
Chapter six is ‘Blood Type’. You know, for all Bella’s quaint fainting spells and Ed’s ability to smell how wonderful it, we never do learn what blood type Bella is. It’s probably the only misleading chapter title Otis will ever write.
Chapter seven is ‘Melody’. That’s probably in reference to Melody Anderson, costar and love interest in Flash Gordon. A movie celebrated even today for its campy storyline, cheesy effects and the Queen soundtrack. Sure, within this chapter Ed composes a song about Bella but only the pedestrian readers will miss out on the symbolism and parallels drawn from this magical eighties movie. Ed, for example represents Emperor Ming while Bella is Dale Arden, albeit far more unlikable. Thus Twilight becomes an alternate history fiction of Flash Gordon and asks what if Ming captured Dale and Flash decided that there are other fish in the sea after all.
Chapter eight is ‘Goddamn stupid copier, how does this thing work? Sweet jesus I hope no one sees what I’m copying. C’mon, c’mon already. I’ve got to get this back to Myer before she realizes it’s missing. Insert more coins? Crap. I’m all out of dimes. Screw it, I’ll finish this at the library.’
The pages skip again but I managed to use deductive reasoning to figure out that the Cullens skipped school because to days is a…suuuunny day. Chasing the, clouds away. He watches her closely through the many living security cameras going to school and gets excited when she keeps glancing at the empty Cullen table. Bella must be missing him. Or maybe she’s relieved that she doesn’t feel eyes on her every second of the day and she keeps checking while reflexively gripping her mace.
Bella has plans for the weekend so Ed plans his surveillance. This is supposed to explain Ed’s presence inSeattle. See, because Peter and Charlotte hunt inSeattlerather than Forks. Ed’s just there protecting Bella. That makes him a standup guy and not at all a crazy stalker who’s two degrees away from twisting her head off and drinking her blood.
Ed runs to Bella’s house and hides in a tree while she comes out on the lawn and reads Jane Austen. This is the one and only time I can recall Bella partaking in a hobby of hers. Ed watches her fall asleep and starts angsting about how ugly he looks in the sunlight. Oh how Bella would cry out in fear to see him sparkle. Look Otis, you’re still not selling me on the whole sparkly equals frightening. Now if sunlight made it appear as those his flesh bore a hundred festering lesions weeping pus the color of rotting flesh I might be inclined to agree with Eddie.
Ed hops down to listen to her mumble in her sleep and she says Edmund. Eddie is infuriated that she dare dream of fictional characters rather than him. Just for that she gets to be dead human number one hundred and seventy. Charlie comes home though and Ed takes off while wanting to know if Rene’s mind is just as hard to read as Chaz’s.
We skip forward again this time back to school or not. It’s not really clear. I think it’s supposed to be Friday because Jessica is picking up the other girls, meaning Bella and the disposa-friend. Ed whines about having to wait to follow Jessica and then having to creep along at the speed limit.
Look, Otis. I know Ed’s supposed to be super psychic and the best driver in the world but speeding like he does is just stupid. Sure he uses his mind powers to detect other drivers and police, but what if the person coming at him has a partially shielded mind like Chaz, or worse, if they have a completely closed one like Bella’s. And the Volvo, however shiny and new, wasn’t built to race and it has, presumably, stock tire on it which don’t offer the best grip for a car. The things Ed can’t anticipate and the limitations of the vehicle make it dangerous, even to him, to drive like a moron. But then again, speeding is breaking the rules which makes Ed the “bad boy” and therefore more alluring to someone like Bella.
And wait, we’re back at the Cullen house. Damn the idiot for mixing these pages up. Some backstory on Jasper and Peter. Blah blah blah, Ed is slamming his hands on the piano in impatience. Emmett wants Ed to come play football, someone seems to be overcompensating, but Ed says no he’s got a girls night out planned.
Back at the house of Stupid, Bella is telling her dad about her plans to go to Port Angeles. I forgot, it’s not Seattle. Surely this will make all my criticism vanish in a puff of smoke.
Chaz makes diner alone and this confirms Bella is a “care-taker”. Right, because Chaz wouldn’t be used to making his own meals having lived by himself for years. And of course Bella is a caretaker, the hyphen was unnecessary Otis, because she went to bed rather than make dad diner. Ed says he’ll be back once she’s asleep.
I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have. I was here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were he agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could. I would not treat her so crassly.
Oh, Otis. You self contradiction is the source of my amusement. Yes, Ed would never treat Bella crassly. Except when he forced her to accept a ride home, stole her keys and started sneaking into her room. When you first did that, Ed, you didn’t have the excuse of Peter and Charlotte’s presence.
Then the page is back talking about Bella at school, being sad that Ed isn’t there. Ed is stuck at home because of the sun, again, because how hard would it be to wear long sleeves and carry an umbrella around. If anyone asks just tell them you’re an Albino, Ed. I really don’t think anyone would find you any stranger than you already are. Ok, they would but I would laugh my ass off seeing Ed dressed up like Brando in the Island of Doctor Moreau. Ed worries that Bella might cancel her plans because she’s so sad.
But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends’ enjoyment above that of her own.
Oh, stop it Otis, please. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. My coworkers were starting to wonder just what the hell I was reading and I had to make something up to keep them from thinking I was a bag of mixed nuts away from climbing a clock tower with a rifle.
Yes, Bella who selflessly does everything for her friends. You know, the way she ignores them in favor of Ed. Or the way she’s constantly making fun of their looks and/or fashion sense. Or how she pawns all her spare guys off on them. Or how she only hangs out with them because Chaz told her she has to.
Also, seriously Ed? What’s with all the Mike hate? I never thought of him as a peeping Tom, just some poor guy who gets ignored in favor of the forbidden fruit.
the way he’s justifying his actions by making Mike a villian for absolutely no reason is very disturbing.
“I wouldn’t leer at Bella like Mike i’m sure would. i’m just protecting her by watching her very very closely…as she sleeps. Gawd, Mike is such a creeper.”
I hope someday my friends will pawn one of their suitors off on me. It still counts as true love, right?
hey, sloppy seconds need love too.
It’s as if you took the words right out of my mouth.