Ed continues to compose. And, much like any collaboration whore, he gets help to make it work and then fails to credit them. SpecificallyAlice helps him using her “wind chime voice” to suggest it be a couple of octaves higher. This makes it better, of course, because nothing could ever be made worse by someone’s suggestion. Or maybe it was because she talked in the voice of an inanimate object. I personally have noticed people do more for me when I use my refrigerator voice.
Then Otis decides to pull out the rubber glove, lube and a copy of Victims Monthly as she gives Ed a rub down that would be illegal the second money changes hands. Esme thinks this to Ed when he gets all sad, believing that Bella should be left alone.
You, out of everyone, are perhaps the best equipped to deal with such a difficult quandary. You are the best and brightest of us all.
Or he could be the dumbest and most useless vampire since the Chihuahuafrom Blade III. Then Ed smiles because Esme is really, really happy for him. She was worried that Ed might always be alone. No, Ed, she was worried you might have caught something intangible after you spent the last twenty years watching nothing but Striesand movies. Oh, and Esme says the girl will have to love him back but only if she’s a smart girl. What? I’d figure a dumb girl would be better. Then she’s more likely to lack critical thinking skills and be impressed by the fact Ed has lots of pretty/shiny toys. ‘Ohhh, your Volvo is so pretty!’ ‘I’m glad you like it.’ ‘And you said you made it by hand?’ ‘I did, then I sold the rights to Europe so they could build their own. Before that they were basically just stapling horses to wheels and hoping for the best.’ ‘Wow. You’re kind of a big deal.’
Luckily for Ed, Bella has the brain power of a jellyfish under a heat lamp. Ed then thanks Esme by playing a song he wrote about the love between Carl and her. I wonder if it has any lyrics? Anyway, they’re in love like, a lot. Sure we don’t get to see it but just trust Ed, he’s killed hundreds of people who were in love so he’s pretty sure he knows it when he sees it. Oh, and Rose is still fuming in the garage.
Look Otis, this make no sense. If Rose was really all that bitter about Ed, why is she staying with the Cullens? And even if there was some cockamamie reason, there isn’t, why not have her become the main villain? That would have made the most sense. Rose snaps and wants to kill Bella, Emmett goes along because he love Rose and the rest of the family turns against Rose because they care nothing for the history between them. Bam, a villain we get to see that has some characterization. Plus you get oodles of conflict out of the Cullens who can angst over wanting to bring Rose back to the light side.
Blah blah blah, Rose is a narcissist. Blah blah, Ed wonders if Rose would have been happier if she hadn’t always been the most beautiful person ever? Hello mister Kettle, this is my good friend mister Pot. Wait, what did you just call him? Since when was Ed anything more than a poster boy for beauty? I remember the endless comparisons to Adonis and Greek statuary. And he’s never been one to be humble so maybe he has something there.
Otis continues to whip the dead horse of jealousy so long it hurts me. She says Rose doesn’t want Ed she just wants to be desired by him because she’s used to being desired by men. But she’s not bothered by the fact Jasper and Carl have no interest, no sir. She’s not jealous of them because they’re already in love. Nice rationalization, Otis. Did your fans come up with it for you or was it your own, genuine stupidity?
Out of nowhere, Alice is happy. Apparently Peter and Charlotte are coming for a visit. Who? No seriously, Otis, who in the hell are these people? I had to google them, that’s how memorable you make your characters. Ed starts freaking out then because they’re people eaters. Oh noes! Bella might get noshed like the lone bagel at a writer’s workshop! Ed and Emmett decide they have to go hunting fast in order to be back in time.
So we switch over to a scene where Ed and Emmett are “hunting”. Emmett is screwing around with a bear, toying with it before he kills it. Then he gets mad because it tears his shirt. Damn, how awful of it. Stupid bear, fighting to preserve its life and ruining Emmett’s clothes. That’s exactly why I’m all about ensuring the destruction of the Polar Bear. They once ate my shoes for no reason! To top it off they stole the summer sausage I was hiding there too, the bastards. Kill the bear, drink his blood!
Ed has already killed his mountain lion for the week and chides Emmett for fighting the bear because it’s just not fair. Emmett says he wishes they were stronger so he got a real fight out of it. Emmett then complains how he never gets to really test his strength. Alice and Ed cheat, Rose doesn’t like fighting and the parents get mad if he and Jasper really go at it. He asks Ed to just try and fight him with his mind powers off.
“It doesn’t turn off,” I reminded him.
Oh? That’s news to me. Because last I checked, he has to search out people’s minds, except when he doesn’t. And sometimes people can hide things from him except they can’t. Otis is never clear exactly what Ed’s capable of, whether or not he can’t force his way into their heads or if they have to be unaware. Whether or not he can see their immediate thoughts only or some or all of their memories. We do know he can be kept out by thinking hard about something else, asAlice gives him mental blue balls for a few hours in Eclipse. Not that anyone ever uses that against him before or after that moment. I guess part of being a vampire is suffering from Alzheimer’s.
But this is, at least somewhat interesting. Emmett has been subtly expanded as a character, completely by accident. Now we know he’s the kind of guy that really wants to test his strength against a worthy opponent and he feels cheated by his both his vampirism and his family.
Instead of exploring that though, Otis simply uses Emmett as a device to wrench more painful dialogue out of Ed. Ed goes on and on about how much he loves Bella and how she’s the world to him.
Can you touch her? I mean, if you love her…wouldn’t you want to, well touch her…?
That’s Emmett pointing out that, as Ed’s supposedly attracted to her, and that relationships usually involve “touching” that sleeping with Bella might be equivalent to boning a crystal goblet. Ed just rolls his eyes and tells us that Emmett, having a healthy sex like with Rose, can’t imagine dating without it.
And oh, how poor Eddie is conflicted. He could turn her to a vampire but what if she didn’t want that? After all, Rose would give anything to be human again even Emmett. Wow, that’s got to sting the ego just a little bit. Emmett knows that, sure his wife/girlfriend loves him but she’d trade him for a chance to have babies.
Again, not that there’s anything wrong with that. That could redefine Emmett very clearly. It would be why he’s always cracking lame jokes and acting carefree. Because deep down, he knows he’s in love with a woman who has simply settled with what’s convenient. And that has to grate on him because there’s nothing he’ll ever be able to do that can satisfy Rose. But Otis would rather focus on Ed and how he can’t wait to see Bella.
After a short discussion about who’s looking after Bella while Ed’s out of town, we’re back in town with Ed and Bella. Ed smells her and gets hungry and then notices Bella looks tired like she hasn’t gotten enough sleep. Being he jealous type, Ed immediately jumps to the conclusion that she was out having fun and that whoever she was with must die. Otis then hangs another lampshade on Ed’s psychosis.
I laughed silenty and wryly at how much that upset me. So what if she had? I didn’t own her. She wasn’t mine.
No, she wasn’t mine—and I was sad again.
Well everyone pity mister sparkles because he feels sad and never mind how crazy he is. He keeps staring at Bella while wondering if she thinks about him. Gee, I don’t know Eddie. She only muttered your name in her sleep a few times and she has that shrine built around you in the closet.
He remembers she was out at the beach near La Push and starts panicking about the Quileutes telling her about vampires. Then he remembers that there’s no reason for that to happen, at least until the sequel.
Ed then steps outside and follows Bellas scent into the woods. Why? I guess he just wants to work on his tracking skills in case she tries to run away from him. He wonders why Bella was out there, courting danger and all that. Because she hates herself for being a Mary Sue and does her damndest to get herself killed.
Vivisector's Writ 