After robbing Bella, Ed decides to go back to school. I guess that’s where all the hip, young vampires go when they’re not staring people in their sleep. He gripes about how he’s attracted to Bella which is totally different from love. Yes, yes it is Eddie. And that might carry some weight if you hadn’t been thinking about how you’re in love with Bella at the end of the last chapter. I think a quote is in order.
Run, Bella, run. I love you too much, for your good or mine.
Christ Otis, can’t you even remember what you wrote a chapter ago?! Does your brain have less storage than an old floppy disk? That would explain why you bludgeon us with the same words over and over. If that’s not the case then I have to assume you’re just a retard.
Ed then starts angsting about not being able to read Bella’s mind. Oh, woe. He is cursed. How ever will he survive being unable to read the mind of his emergency snack? I don’t know Ed. If I couldn’t read the mind of my prey I’d have a hard time running coeds down in the dark. Luckily most of us will never have to live like that, blinded to the thoughts of those around us. Then we might have to interact and trust one another.
Ed starts remembering the fantasies Jessica used to have about him. Why Ed was rooting through her head then I can only guess. Probably because she thought his name and Eddie is, if nothing else, the most consummate narcissist in the world. If someone’s thinking about him then he has to get his mind claws in their head.
The disgust he felt while picturing Jessica is replaced with heavy panting and the desire to take off a sock, though Ed isn’t quite sure what that’s all about and what he’d do with a loose sock, when thinking about Bella. Ed starts fantasizing on his own, because Otis recognizes that if she doesn’t lay to rest the rumors that Ed prefers sausage to tacos. So she has Ed get all hot and bothered imagining, wait for it, kissing Bella. He stops just before picturing their lips touching.
Evil Dead in the bargain bin, Otis. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t Ed imagine just a little more than that? I know he’s from another age and all that but you’d think with all the exposure he has to modern ideas, as he’s constantly in school, Ed wouldn’t be locked in a pseudo Victorian mindset. Hell, even back then people liked to have sex. Where do you think illegitimate children come from, Otis? The Bastard Fairy? Then Ed complains about wishing he was human again and how he never felt so human when he was human.
We get some terrible backstory. Apparently, Ed had only been thinking of “soldier’s glory” when he was human. What with World War I going on, he had been waiting to turn eighteen so he could go to far away places and shoot people. But then, Oh no!, the influenza had struck!
Otis, come here for a second. I want to show you something, it’s in my car, let me open the door for you. Go on, lean inside and take a look. You’ll just realize something is wrong as I start slamming the door on your head. I(wham!) don’t(wham!).buy this(wham wham!) for a second(wham wham crunch!). Your halfhearted attempts at characterizing Ed are pathetic.
For one, if Ed had really been dreaming of “glory” he would have lied about his age and joined the military. It’s not like anybody did that or anything, Oh wait, what’s that you say history? Thousands of young men lied about their age to fight in the war? Well shut up, Otis is trying to make Eddie interesting and totally not a coward.
And how does Ed remember any of this? I thought human memories started fading the moment they were turned and only got dimmer from there? I would figure a century of high school, and some college, Ed’s brain would have melted like Styrofoam in acetone. If I had to repeat high school once, even having all the answers to the curriculum, I’d be six seconds from lighting myself and/or everyone else on fire at any given moment. I’d probably take up a somewhat dangerous hobby like diving for shipwrecks without scuba gear or mining for diamonds in the middle of a warzone with my bare hands. And that’s minus the vampirism.
Ed picks up the others and they go home. Alice drops off Bella’s truck, which is terribly considerate after Ed stole her keys from her. Then Ed goes home and Otis rubs the Cullens money on our face.
Oh look, Rose is thinking about playing with her BMW whileAliceworks on a “fashion project” on some special computer screens while Esme looks over some blueprints. Meanwhile Jasper and Emmet are playing Vampire Chess. It’s like regular chess but with eight boards interconnected because they’re better than any of us. It would be a damned shame if a firenado ripped through chez Cullen right now.
Ed decides he has to out do them all and goes to the piano and starts playing. Which makes everyone in the house, especially Esme, happy because “Ed is playing again”. And then Otis tries to describe Ed creating music. Which goes well, considering that Otis can’t create anything. It’s like a fish trying to describe making pottery and it goes as badly as you’d think.
I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today, pleased that it sounded even better than I’d imagined.
Oh, as opposed to the tune that had suggested itself while you were snapping the heads off of rabbits? How nice for you, Ed.
Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across her face. She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs.
Thank you for qualifying that Otis. Without that adverb I would have assumed Esme was smiling because she was about to cry.
I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it.
That’s a bold move, Ed. I might have had the harmonizing line clash while making the retching noises of a sick dog. Sometime, I’ll write John Williams and see if he’s tried it your way.
Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head against the banister. A new song. It’s been so long. What a lovely tune.
Because we daren’t forget that Ed is the best composer ever. He can accomplish in one day what would take a human weeks or possibly months to do. Which begs the question, what is that worth then? If Ed can compose a piano piece in less than a day that means it took less time out of his life than Social Studies and it costs him no effort. It’s the effort and time that make made gifts worthwhile, Otis. When a relative knits you a sweater, it’s not nice just because it’s a warm piece of clothing or because it fits with your wardrobe. It’s nice because they put time and forethought into something to please you. Ed’s gesture is worthless.
Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparkling with chagrined fury.
Are you saying, just maybe, that Rose is mad Otis? Rose gets jealous and Ed starts laughing. Apparently decades spent married to Emmet, a man she purportedly loves, isn’t enough to get over Ed. I suppose she simply married Emmett out of spite then. It’s a good thing they have such a strong relationship based on respect and affection. We should all aspire to the kind of relationships the Cullens have.
Rose storms out and Ed pretends he has no idea why she’s mad. He finishes composing and Esme says it’s wonderful and that he deserves happiness and that everything will work out for the best. Mind you, she thinks all this at him rather than simply talking.
I figured out why all the Cullens do this. It’s not to show off his powers, though that’s why Otis has it happen so often. It’s because all the other Cullens realize Ed is a jackass who doesn’t respect privacy so they don’t bother saying anything. By thinking at him all the time they’re saying ‘Hey, you voyeuristic douche. I know you read my mind so I won’t even dignify you with the effort or acknowledgement of speech.’
Bastard Fairy HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
that got me snorting:)