I followed her all day through other people’s eyes, barely aware of my own surroundings.
Are you sure that’s how you want to start this crap off, Otis? I admit, it’s far more succinct than ‘I followed Bella’s every move through the school for fear she might touch another man. Then I would have to chop off her hands to relieve her of the sin of infidelity.’
Why is Ed likable for this Otis? He doesn’t trust Bella because he can’t read her mind so he watches her through other people’s heads. This is wrong on many levels. He’s violating the privacy of any student near Bella and he’s violating her privacy. Did she pay for the vampire surveillance system or is this the free trial? Regardless she has to agree to the EULA before you do it, jackhole.
While Ed is spying on Bella, he learns something invaluable about her. She’s clumsy! Yes, Otis felt the need to parrot her avatar’s one(ping!) character flaw. You’d think Ed would have noticed this, what with his vampire enhanced comprehension in effect. Advanced biology? No big deal. Paying attention to a girl? Quit nagging me already, gawd!
Ed’s excuse is that he never noticed before because Bella sits so gracefully. How Bella can do this is absolutely beyond me. If she has such an inner ear problem you’d think balancing her narrow butt on a chair would be akin to asking an elephant to ride a unicycle across a high wire while juggling rhinos. But no, Bella only has balance issues when she’s moving and even then only when Otis needs it to serve the plot in some way. So Bella doesn’t even have one whole character flaw, more like a quarter of one.
Ed can’t wait until he gets to see Bella again. While he’s waiting in the cafeteria, he’s also watching her arrive through Jessica’s eyes. Oh, I’m sorry Jessica. Did you think you were a real person? No, you’re not. You’re just a Flip camcorder for vampires that can be snacked on in case of emergencies. If we need you further we’ll drag you out of the corner you’re sobbing in.
Ed catches Bella’s attention with a wink and she comes over to talk with him. Good, he’s already trained her to respond to some basic signals. Soon he’ll have her doing complex tasks with voice commands. Then she’ll be ready for showbiz. ‘Bella sit, Bella stand, Bella go get me a beer. Good Bella, here’s an old romance novel.’
Bella comes over and they have the same scintillating conversation that was so important, they had to preserve it word for word in the movie lest the entire first act fall apart. ‘You know I’m dangerous, right?’ ‘Oh? An attractive male with money who’s dangerous? That’s not hot at all.’ ‘And you shouldn’t be interested in me, it’s against the rules.’ ‘Well, since you’ve mentioned that I will go out and get a real life rather than obsess over something I’m told I can’t have.’ Ed notices that Bella’s friends aren’t happy that Bella has left them alone so he mentions this.
This did not appear to concern her. “They’ll survive.”
Of course it didn’t concern Bella. They’re not really her friends. They’re more like Rent-A-Friends. In fact, if she can return them before the end of the month she’ll get a portion of her deposit back plus a coupon for a day rental of up to five friends, valid for three years. So hurry up and start dating Bella, Ed. She needs that coupon for your wedding.
Oh, have I mentioned that he uses her vital signs against her? Yeah, when Ed warns her that he’s “not a good friend” her heart beats faster. Sure Otis doesn’t say explicitly that Ed’s remembering what phrases get Bella’s motor going and extrapolating the reason behind it so he can use that to lure her in but the concept is right there, flashing in huge neon letters.
They talk and talk and talk but it doesn’t really go on quite so long. It just feels that way, what with Otis’s gift for writing dialogue so stilted you’d just have to give it some long pants and it could lead a parade for the circus. Everything they say to each other is loaded with extra words like they’re both trying very hard to impress Larry King in an interview. Like, for example, when Ed refuses to tell Bella what he is, aside from a flamboyant fan of the Wizard of Oz, we get this.
“No, I can’t imagine why that would be frustrating—at all. Just because someone refuses to tell you what they’re thinking, even if all the while they’re making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean…now, why would that be frustrating?”
Mind you, Bella continues for yet another paragraph from there. How about just, ‘Frustrating? I don’t know what you mean, mister I make annoying, cryptic comments.’ Hmm, Otis? I only suggest because people typically conserve their words, especially when being informal. Bella is not a debutante at a ball and Ed is not a well-to-do gentleman back from serving Her Royal Majesty’s army inIndia, no matter how much you’d like to pretend. They’re a pair of “teenagers” living in the twenty first century.
Mike starts thinking about coming over and breaking up their “fight”. Are Ed and Bella having a fight, Otis? Because that’s not altogether clear from the dialogue. If they aren’t, then you should really give Mike another reason to want to come over. Maybe because he feels just as possessive over her but lacks the tools needed to attract the elusive Bella Swan.
Bella wants a favor from Ed and that’s to be told next time Ed plans on ignoring her for her safety. A promise that will be forgotten as soon as the events of New Moon roll around because, hey those are separate books and characters don’t retain knowledge from one book to the next do they? Ed wants a favor in return and his demand, and it is a demand because he badgers Bella until she tells him, is that she tell him her theory about Ed’s super status.
Then they start on the discussion where Bella mentions comic books and such. It is, word for word the conversation they had in Twilight. The only problem is, in cannon, it happens on the car ride back fromSeattle. Here, it’s happening in the lunch room at least two weeks before the dance.
Look, Otis. I expect to find stupid mistakes in a first draft, and that’s what this is being as it’s the leak of the unfinished manuscript. I forgive continuity errors because, when you’re writing, not everything pans out. As the story grows, things you started don’t always go the way you wanted or planned and that’s why you take it through revision. So, I should give you a mulligan on this, right? Wrong!
This isn’t a first draft, you’ve already written Twilight. You should know your own material well enough that big continuity error like this don’t happen. Especially since you just copy/pasted the dialogue, you twit. I caught it and I only went through the damned thing once and never looked back. You’ve had to have been over this multiple times plus it’s your story, Otis. If you can’t get it right, there ain’t nobody who can.
Vivisector's Writ 