Midnight Sun Chapter 2 Part 1

We rejoin Edward while he’s settling himself into a snow bank. I guess mister Freeze felt the need to make a few chill deposits. Yes, I have slapped myself for the bad pun, why do you ask.

Wait, what time of year is it again? I thought Bella transferred in the fall. Oh, I see. Otis just dumps info on us, as usual. Ed’s in Alaska and he’s hiding out among the tundra making snow-pires. He’s apparently spent six days playing among the polar bears and trying to make them more extinct while laying around in the “tiny pieces of ice” that us lowbrow unwashed heathens often refer to as snow. Oh and he stares at the sky and declares is exquisitely beautiful.

Look here Otis. We know you’re trying to pass him off as a posh bastard, that’s not lost on us. However, stop writing his inner monologue like you’re imagining a British WWII historian narrate the development of the steam engine. Even if he’s smart, which I submit he’s not, there are certain words that sound plain gauche when over used or used crudely. If Edward is so learned and well read maybe he should quote a relevant passage of poetry like from Night by William Blake. At the very least he should describe the scene a bit deeper than Bella.

Anyway, Ed is still all hung up on Bella’s scent. It was just the right mix of self loathing and disgust that reminded Ed of his mother. If only Bella could smell just as disappointed as she was before she died Ed would have jumped her bones right then and there.

While Ed is dreaming of a blood stained bedroom back in Forks, Tanya approaches. She does this by hurling herself off a rock and doing a cannonball down next to Eddie. Ed, being completely nonplussed, just lays there and pretends that, no really, he cares about anything she has to say.

They have a stilted conversation that alternates between Ed reading her thoughts and them actually talking. She guesses that he’s going to be leaving and how awful that will be. Why? Does Edward know how to prepare walrus just the way you like, Tanya?

Tanya then asks if she makes Edward uncomfortable. Well, only when you assume that Ed prefers hooking up with women of any kind. In truth Ed is into something a lot creepier than the most obscure furry that ever lived.

Think about it. Imagine Ed was a normal human, I know that might stretch your disbelief quite a ways, and he was on the Atkins diet. Everything is going fine until he locks eyes with a cow and falls in love, then he spends the rest of his life trying to buy old Bessie and marry her. Presumably he would do things like strap a hat to her head and dress her up in a comically oversized dress to try and make her more human.

The only real difference is that Bella can, technically I suppose, become a vampire just like him. But Ed doesn’t want to turn her into one and I’ve heard and offered theories that range from him being a controlling bastard to being completely unsure of his orientation. Maybe this is the real answer, that Ed has a squicky fetish where he loves the thought of sleeping with a woman who remains human because they’re less than vampires. That or he just wants to watch a woman age right before his eyes.

Ed then reassures Tanya that, if he were into vampire women, he would totally nail her right there. That is if he didn’t have to go home and have sex with a partially warmed over lasagna that reads crappy books. Tanya remains offended but it’s okay because she’s a total slut. Apparently she likes human men because they’re everywhere and always eager and warm.

What? I could see them sleeping with her once but after that, I don’t think so. I’ve already gone over why sex between one of Otis’s vampires and humans would not be comfortable. Have you ever seen what dried sweat does to nipples, Otis? I’m not talking about a kinky kind of foreplay but what happens to marathon runners that wear shirts and don’t put bandages over their nipples. It sands them bloody raw.

Now, imagine if you will, your most delicate parts being rubbed by something just as unforgiving as stone and as fine as finishing sandpaper. You’re going to be left raw, bloody and possibly permanently scarred. Plus these vampire women are, at best, room temperature. Up in Alaska that’s got to be like screwing a snowman only it won’t let you leave because it’s not done. Oh, and Otis says that vampire “venom” replaces all other body fluids. That should mean that these vampire women have turned at least one man into a fledgling just by sleeping with him.

Oh, and I should mention that Ed says the Denali’s, that’s the other friendly/veggie vampire clan, all found their consciences because of their lovers. Apparently at first they screwed men and then ate them. See, I was right. Ed can’t have them because they’re not pure.

Tanya asks where he’ll go, Ed doesn’t know, and then Tanya offers him encouragement. This makes her a million times nicer than Bella but still well below being a decent person. Ed smiles and goes ‘aw shucks’, to himself anyway. Ed thanks her in a perfunctory kind of way and then sends her off while pretending to be gentlemanly. Here’s some more proof that Ed is king douche in the land of feminine hygiene products.

My mouth twisted with chagrin. I didn’t like hurting Tanya, though her feelings weren’t deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return. It still made me feel like less of a gentleman.

First off, not everything is about you Edward. Stop being so damned passive aggressive. Secondly, screw you Otis. Just because Tanya’s attraction to Ed wasn’t love at first sight does not mean she couldn’t fall for him. I have a newsflash for you Otis, most love doesn’t happen at first sight. You’re trying to show Ed as waiting for “true love” when all you’re really doing is denigrating anyone in an honest relationship.

Ed decides he’s wasted enough time up at the North Pole playing in Santa’s workshop so he heads back to Forks. Flash forward, thankfully, to Alice patting Ed on the head and telling him it will be alright. Good god, can none of Otis’s characters do anything without a pat on the ass?

Anyway, all the other Cullens are watching him for a sign that Ed-Kong is about to snap his tether and kill a bystander. He suddenly realizes how Jasper feels, constantly being babysat. Then Jasper goes up a rank by thinking “Annoying, isn’t it?” at him. Bravo Jasper, twist that knife a little deeper.

Ed scans the minds of people and starts looking for evidence that he’s made an impression. From the narrative, it might seem like he’s curious about Bella. In truth he wants to know if Bella has been talking about him. Author forbid anyone not be obsessed with the pretty boy trapped in the closet.