Bree Part 18

Happy failed apocalypse prediction everyone. Giant surprise, the date predicted came and went with less fanfare than a dog fart. I don’t know why these End of World nut jobs get so much special attention because they’re always wrong.

Fun fact for you, I’ve now been alive long enough to witness more than one of these idiot prophets spouting about the end times just to see them turn around an start revising dates and muttering about having forgot to carry a one. There was the prediction made in nineteen ninety four by Harold Camping(you know the same guy that predicted the world would end yesterday? I guess when you’re a fear mongering asshole you can be as wrong as many times as you want and no one puts a note in your file that you’re a delusional prick that needs to have his tongue cut out.) Then there were the Heaven’s Gate folks who got all worked up about the Hale-Bopp comet. They said the aliens hiding in the tail would save a select few before the world ended. Then there was Y2K, twice if you can recall that far back, as well as mutterings about two thousand five, because of all the hurricanes, and two thousand eight.

So in celebration of this new lease on life, if you hear a plop that’s just my eyes rolling out of my head, I’m putting out a large recap. It’s really more because I wish to be done with this festering boil of words so rancid only a harpy with venereal disease in her throat could hack it up that I’m pushing forward until I can’t stand it. If Twilight was bland then this is Twilight diluted to homeopathic proportions and sprayed into the trade winds in the hopes of reaching people in the middle of theCongo.

So all the bad vampires are out for blood. That is to say they’re out getting diner. Bree, being the low functioning retard that she is, is simply going along for the ride along with Fred.

I’m still perplexed as to why. I would understand if she had some romantic attachments to Diego and she just wanted to stick around long enough to meet back up with him and run off but Otis hasn’t established that. Sure, she’s tried to convince us that Bree fell in love with him in less time than it takes to microwave popcorn which, funnily enough, makes an apt metaphor for their romance. Quick, tasteless and full of unpopped/undigestible bits.

What Otis should have done was inferred that Bree and Diego had been involved for some time already. Maybe have them hide their romance from the others becauseVictoriadetests romance among her soldier, either out of misplaced jealousy and residual anger over the loss of James or because she doesn’t want them to be distracted when they head off to die. Either way would call for more characterization ofVictoria, which would be a good thing, and flesh things out. Plus then Bree would have a reason to do something incredibly stupid.

Of course that still doesn’t explain why Fred is still there. I’d probably work in something about him being shy and attached to Bree but just not able to work up the guts to flirt with her. But then again I haven’t caused massive brain damage to myself by bashing my head against my keyboard…yet.

We crossed over an empty two-lane freeway, another strip of forest, and then we were on a beach. The water was smooth, and we’d gone almost due north, so this must have been the strait. We hadn’t passed near any residences, and I was sure that was on purpose. Thirsty and on edge, it wouldn’t take too much to dissolve this small measure of organization into a screaming free-for-all.

And just why would it turn into a screaming free-for-all? Do vampires get retarded when they get hungry? ‘Grah! So hungry! Am going to attack my friends for no reason! Rawr rawr!’ ‘Bob, stop it. No one’s buying your savage vampire act.’ ‘Damn it, quit spoiling my fun.’

Then they all jump in the ocean. Why they had to trek along a freeway, putting themselves at risk of exposure, I’m just not sure. I really don’t think Otis plans any of this or even edits it. She just sits down and types a stream of consciousness until her hands get tired and then she ships it off. All the editor does is find anything egregious and delete it. ‘his burning eyes burned like burning torches. This cup of water is starting to taste a little stale. Maybe I should put it in the microwave. I wonder if I could fit my head in there? He flexed his powerful arms…’

They swim along until they find a ferry which Bree guesses it on it’s last, late night run. One of the vampires goes to disable the radio mast and Bree makes this comment. “…Humans weren’t supposed to know about vampires. At least, not for very long. Just long enough for us to kill them.”

Right, because no one will want to investigate a ferry on which everyone got murdered. Maybe they’ll just assume the Bermuda triangle went on holiday and paid a visit to the North West coast of theU.S.because of all the lovely things it heard about the Pacific.

We got to the boat about three seconds later, and already the air was full of shrieks and the warm scent of blood. The smell made me realize exactly how thirsty I was, but that was the last thing I realized. My brain shut down completely. There was nothing but fiery pain in my throat and the delicious blood —blood everywhere—promising to put that fire out.

Oh, it was the smell of blood that shut your brain down was it? And here I figured you didn’t have one in the first place. Me and the rest of the audience won’t be surprised once you’ve sated your thirst and it turns out your brain is still off. Bree, you might as well return the unused portion of grey matter, all of it, in your head for a full refund.

Bree and Fred swim away while the other vampires sink the ferry. Somehow they tear it apart in the middle so it sinks fast. Gee, it’s a good think fast sinking ships don’t draw things down with them. It would be terrible if one of the idiots got trapped under a few tons of debris.

Then they head home and Riley tells them how to identify the Cullens. They have yellow eyes. Then Riley passes around Bella’s shirt so they can get her scent. Everyone is mesmerized by Bella’s smell and they all want to eat her like she’s the last Twinkie on earth.

Again, Otis, why? I thought she was special to Edward and she only appealed to him. Wasn’t that how he come they knew they were meant to be? If she has “seriously sweet blood” then why didn’t Jasper leap all over her if he has control issues? Why didn’t the Volturi? And what makes her blood so damn attractive anyway?

You know what? Bella’s blood should have turned out to be poisonous. She could have been born to be a vampire trap, sweet smelling and tasting but instantly fatal to any vampire that bit her. Then I’d believe everyone wants to nosh on her. Otherwise it just makes absolutely no sense. So good job patting your avatar on the butt, Otis.

Now Riley tells them that they’ve got one more thing to learn about being a vampire. He says that four times a year the angle of the sun is just right so as to not hurt them. Gee, does that mean they’ll attack during the day? Does Riley know about being immune or isVictoriakeeping him in the dark? Who cares? Then Bree gets back to worrying about things which is ever so much more interesting than things happening.

Which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t like a speed bump in the middle of the highway. Not that Otis’s story moves that fast but even when you try to get through it you hit the patch where the main character is thinking and it’s like getting stuck in a roundabout. You just circle endlessly, going over the same tiny stretch of road until an opening lets you over. Then you drive along for five minutes, thinking how nice it is to finally be moving again when you hit the next damned circle of hell.

Riley takes the advice of Zelda Rubinstein and walks into the light. It turns out he’s wrong and he bursts into flames like a stuck toaster pastry. Or he has to coax the other idiots outside like they’re dogs and, it too, goes on for way too long. Finally everyone leaves the basement, something no Twilight fan does for too long, and they get to practicing their moves, hopefully for the last time.

Bree mentions how Fred is observant. He figures out that Bree already knew about their immunity to light. Riley passes Bella’s shirt around again just to keep them on her scent. Speaking of which, shouldn’t her clothes smell like Eddie being as he’s so possessive I’d bet he has to rub his scent glands over everything she has to declare ownership? At the very least it would have his smell because she tossed it in the hamper and not a day went by that Eddie didn’t touch and paw her in her sleep. Ergo anything she was wearing should smell like him too.

Riley gives a little speech and they move out. Then, for the first time in this collection of mind bendingly stupid words, Fred talks. He’s figured out how to make himself pretty much invisible at will.

“I was going to take off sooner, but then I wanted to talk to you before I left, and there hasn’t been a chance till now.”

Well slap Otis and call it hilarious, Fred has something of a brain after all. Fred decided he wasn’t going to stick around long anyway because everyone else is pretty useless. He’s planning on traveling the world and he offers Bree a chance to come along. But Bree just can’t go as long as her true love is out there. Fred says he can come too if she wants to bring Diego along. Fred is heading toVancouverand he’ll give her a day to catch up.

They split up, Bree says she’ll see Fred later and I had to laugh just a little. Bree then rushes after the others. Riley must be in moron mode because he doesn’t seem to notice Fred’s not nearby. Not that he’d notice Fred directly but he should at least notice that there’s a distinct lack of nausea, the kind brought about by having to proofread Otis’s latest while she sits in the room watching you with a smile that’s dripping with self satisfaction.