Bree Part 13

Now that Diego’s split off to go die heroically, Bree is free to return to her routine. Namely sitting in the corner recounting every moment in the latest Family Guy episode that made her laugh whilst peppering her speech with various memes and quotes at anyone who dares step into earshot. Sure she doesn’t have any friends but it keeps the other vampires away from her.

As she gets back to the house she smells the “unmistakable sweet, smoky scent” of Vampire on the grill. Why is it unmistakably sweet, Otis? That would imply the presence of sugars, whether simple or complex, that caramelization might give off and I don’t see one of your creations signing up for a tour of the Wonka factory. Sure there’s glucose in blood, which I’d wager you didn’t think about, but these vampires can’t just store it or excrete it. They need to burn it along with everything in the blood for them to move around like they do. And when you say smoky, is it more of a hickory scent or a burning bear scent?

No one seemed terribly concerned about the smoking remains. The sight was too common.

Really? Are you saying it happens often like, say, at least once a month? Because I’m pretty sure smoke and burning smells, along with flames, would drawn the attention of the local fire department. Or does this take place in aSeattlewhere it rains so much nothing can ever burn aside from vampires meaning they don’t have firefighters?

Bree, showing callous disregard for everything, ignores the re-dead body and notices that she can look at Fred. He’s apparently hot and college aged so he’d make a fine replacement when Diego dies. He’s sitting there reading a book and somehow his power is stil active a little further out. Bree goes back to her hiding spot in his shadow and pretends to read.

Then Bree decides to recap what we already know. Cut the crap Otis, this is too short to be a full book. It hasn’t been so long that we’ve forgotten what’s going on. Even your fans suffering from recurring head wounds from being bludgeoned with plot points are still following the single, frayed thread that you call a plot.

Blah blah blah, the Volturi are scary, I suppose that’s true if you’ve never been to a renaissance fair,Victoriais also scary, only if you fear Carrot Top with fangs, and they’re all made to fightVictoria’s “enemy”.  She sits there asking questions that should be left up to the reader like whether or not Riley’s in on it or if Vikki knows either and why she’d want to hide the truth from them.

See, this is what I hate about first person narration. Authors like Otis can’t just show you what’s going on and expect you to participate in the story by asking questions, oh no that’s far too sophisticated. That and she doesn’t trust you. No sir, she has to tell you what you should be thinking. So thanks for completely removing any hint of joy people could extract from literature, Otis.

Bree figures that the lie about sunlight is what makes everyone come back. Right, because a vampire couldn’t run far away at night. Nah, they have to drink at night which takes all night and then when they’d have any free time they have to hide. In fact it’s the perfect plan and I don’t see anyway it could possibly fail.

Bree then mentions how fledglings aren’t known for thinking clearly. You know, except for her because she’s a unique and beautiful snowflake. And then she realizes that there aren’t any other vampires older than Riley around. What will happen after the encounter withVictoria’s “enemy”? Well, even if I didn’t know already, I’d be willing to bet that they won’t live long enough to start collecting Social Security.

I didn’t have to be around for that part. I didn’t have to be around for one more night.

That’s the kind of brilliance I expect from an Otis character. Realizing something that’s so painfully obvious that even the strongest set of plot blinder wouldn’t keep it from a headless person. Now Otis will work through some extremely contrived reason to keep Bree on the path to destruction.

Then Bree starts wondering why they even came back after that one night out alone. Is Diego more loyal to Riley than she thought at first? Will Fred’s natural repellent be overcome by the power of Irish Spring? Will John and Marsha’s marriage survive Janet’s big revelation? Find out next recap. But the answers are not really, no and no.

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