Bree Part 2

I think I’ve mentioned that Jasper is my favorite character but don’t think I’ve said why. See, compared to the rest of the Cullens, Jasper is the only one that has and moral complexity. He was a part of the vampire turf wars and killed humans. He swore it off once he discovered it wasn’t necessary because he couldn’t stand the guilt. However, he was also willing to revert to killing humans when his family was threatened showing that his love for everyone, or at least forAlice, outweighed the sticky moral issue of murder.

It also showed that underneath his calm exterior was a man filled with fear and doubt. He worried that he wasn’t going to be strong enough to defend the people he cared about and was uncertain of the outcome. He was desperate enough to inflict suffering on both innocent humans and himself in order to do what he saw needed to be done.

That’s one of those underlying concepts that’s actually kind of interesting and downright shocking to see present in the Twilight series. I have to assume that’s simply an accident of Otis’s writing as she’s demonstrated time and again that the best “complex” ideas she has, like Ed’s suicide, are no better than the kind you’d get out of a second grader.

When we last left the idiots, they had just killed two hookers and a pimp, netting them a solid two star wanted level and six hundred bucks in cash plus one pistol. Sirens can be heard in the distance and they have no getaway car. Pop quiz hotshot, what do you do?

Diego picks up a hooker and the pimp while Bree picks up the other hooker then they proceed to head towards the ocean. There’s a puzzling scene where they swing from girder to girder under a bridge on there way there. How are they carrying bodies and swinging along? Hell if I know. I guess vampires can grow extra arms as the situation calls for it.

Bree thinks about how superior she is to all the blind sheeple because they don’t know vampires exist. Yeah, I’m sure it’s a huge secret what with all the blood drained bodies popping up like dandelions. ‘Gee, Ted. We keep finding all these bodies with their throats torn out and their blood drained. What do ya suppose is goin’ on?’ ‘Derr, I tink it’s dat haunted virus thingy.’ ‘I was gonna say vampires but that’s just stupid. Yer probably right. We’d better get some antibacterial spray.’

Then they get to the water and they dive in, still carrying three bodies. Somehow, Diego manages to swim gracefully while doing this. I’m trying to imagine a someone swimming “gracefully” while pulling two dead people down with them and it just isn’t clicking. I am, however, picturing Bree following after Diego while singing ‘just keep swimming, just keep swimming’ to herself over and over.

They find a rock and bury the bodies under it. Right, and how have they been getting noticed again? First Otis wants us to believe that the police  are taking notice and the press are writing headlines and now she wants us to believe they’re being sneaky. Which is it? I mean,Victoria doesn’t want to get caught so you’d think she or one semi-experienced vampire would go out and do clean up after the fledglings.

They kill more people and bury them under a different rock. You wouldn’t think people dying could be so boring but Otis makes it as exciting as a trip to the grocery store. Then they go back to where the “nerds” were wrecking cars and killing people. Diego and her start cleaning up the victims left behind.

Diego grinned. He took a lighter out of a ziplock from his pocket and started igniting the clothes of the victims. I grabbed my own lighter—Riley reissued these when we went hunting; Kevin should have used his—and got to work on the upholstery. The bodies, dried out and laced with flammable venom, blazed up quickly.

Interesting, I suppose. I love how venom in this series is sort of an all purpose plot spackle. How do the vampires make more of themselves? Venom. What do they use instead of blood? Venom. How do they get rid of their victims? The venom makes them flammable. Someone needs to bottle this crap and hawk it on late night.

‘Stains not leaving your clothes? Eyes too dry? Smells not leaving your house? Murder victims impossible to dispose of? Try new V-enom. The only industrial grade vampire venom with the Dracula seal of approval! Collected on old world farms under Free Trade agreements, we supply only the best! Order now and receive this Zippo lighter, engraved with the Cullen coat of arms, for only the cost of shipping. Call now!’

Now that the mess is cleaned up, what will our main characters do? Go on a killing spree? Rob a bank? Maybe go kill a few werewolves in their sleep to ease the upcoming battle? Of course not. Instead they decide to go shopping. Yes Otis, you certainly redid vampires for the better.

While they’re out shopping they discuss the whole vampowers. You know, how some people have special abilities that make them more unique than the usual vampires? Yeah, apparently two ofVictoria’s crew have some powers. One can attract stupid people to him, that’d be Raoul, and the other can repulse people. So they have the same powers that Otis does? All that’s important to remember is that they’re still not as special as the “heroes” of the series. Then this gem of a line appears.

“Do you ever think about why Riley is always after us to keep a low profile?”

Because he doesn’t want the society of Vampire Hunters to take a special trip toSeattle? Because even vampires can get killed with grenades? Maybe his vampire power is the amplification of his OCD? There’s lots of reasons but mainly to cut down on attention.

Apprently Bree was just thinking the same thing. Really Otis? Why not show us rather than tell us? Oh right, sorry. I forget you’re a talentless hack sometimes.

Anywho, apparently Victoria doesn’t make a lot of appearances even to her vampire army. Ok Otis, there’s a difference between atmosphere and just plain stupid. If your villain doesn’t even check in among her minions then how the hell can we get any sense of her?

They don’t know much about her but they suspect thatVictoria’s just putting together an army to fight more vampires. And how did you come to that conclusion exactly, Watson? Why are you assuming that you’re there to fight other vampires? Are other mystical beings completely out of the question? Oh, Bree must have read the Twilight series too. Your secret’s safe with me Bree.

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