Brisingr Chapters 35 & 36

These chapters are called ‘clanmeet’ and ‘insubordination’.

Eragon meets up with Orik and asks him what new he has. ‘Well there’s still problems rooting out the pests in our grain stores and my new wife doesn’t like to…’ ‘I meant related to me. You know, what’s really important.’ ‘Oh, right.’

The warriors gathered behind Orik moved aside as he gestured at them, revealing as they did so three bound and bloodied dwarves stacked on top of one another in the corner. The dwarf on the bottom groaned and kicked his feet in the air but was unable to extricate himself from under his fellow prisoners.

Stacked on top of each other? Are the dwarves freaking furniture? Do they stack well? Are there dwarf stacking competitions like with cups? Do they make good shelves? Maybe that’s why Gabby wants the dwarves dead. Then he’ll be able to replace his cinderblock furniture with something a little more tasteless.

I bet you can’t wait to find out why there are dwarves stacked like cordwood in the corner of the room. Apparently Orik sent the Dwarven Crime Unit: Assassin Task Force to investigate. See the assassins had some daggers which they tracked to a single smith who sold them to a dwarven woman with seven fingers on each hand(My name is Inigo Montoya…) who took them to an inn in the clan territory of Az Sweldn rak Anhûin. Those are the dwarves that declared a blood feud with Eragon. Could that explanation have been anymore convoluted? Only if Eragon started believing a helicopter was following him everywhere.

And what a shocker eh? The clan that declared s blood feud with Eragon tried to kill him. Orik said there hasn’t been treachery like this in a long time. Wait, what? How is that treachery? They openly declared Eragon their enemy. Sure they tried to kill him in a, not at all, stealthy way but they did warn him first. You usually don’t get that kind of courtesy out of people.

Orik says the situation must be handled delicately and he plans on blackmailing the clan for their vote. Or suddenly he’s going to confront them with their treachery. Somehow this involves having the minds of the three stacked dwarves rummaged through and then Eragon’s to compare. What about all the evidence you gathered, Orik? What was the damn point if the only thing that will sway anyone are people’s memories?

Eragon has to stay in Orik’s house that night to ensure he won’t be attacked again. Why? Just shut up and roll with it. Then he has a boring dream in which he’s in Horst’s smithy and he demands a rider’s sword. Suddenly his father appears in his waking dream and offers him a sword.

Between the gaping doors, a huge figure rimmed with pale light emerged from the clotted darkness and stood upon the threshold of the workshop. A red cape billowed from shoulders wider than a Kull’s. In the man’s left hand gleamed Zar’roc, sharp as pain. Through the slits of his brightly polished helm, his blue eyes bored into Eragon, pinning him into place, like an arrow through a rabbit. He lifted his free hand and held it out toward Eragon. “My son, come with me. Together, we can destroy the Varden, kill Galbatorix, and conquer all of Alagaësia. But give me your heart, and we shall be invincible.

‘Eragon, I am your father. Join me and we can rule the galaxy.’ Really? It wasn’t enough to steal the outline of Star Wars but you had to rob it of one of its most iconic scenes too? Any other classics you’d like to pillage while you’re at it? Maybe have king Orrin die and utter ‘Rosebud’ before he passes on? Or have Roran bash a hole in a door, stick his face up to it and shout ‘here’s Johnny!’ Oh, I know. Put Eragon and Arya on a large boat then have Eragon stand at the bow and shout about being king of the world.

They go to the dwarf council and someone starts talking about the assassination attempt. They say they’re spellcasters are trying to assemble a “pictorial facsimile” of the event. That’s funny Chris, could you have put it in a more convoluted manner than that? I’ve heard clearer idea coming out of the mouths of company executives. And why are they bothering? Don’t they have the minds of the dwarves that commissioned the assassination attempt? Stop being so damn inconsistent Chris!

Orik gives a boring speech about how they were stuck in their old ways and refused to be bound with the dragons. He goes on about how they could have partaken in the glory of being dragon riders and how much they prospered under the old regime.

Blah blah blah, Eragon is the perfect example of a rider and he’s embraced the dwarves. No, he isn’t and no he hasn’t. He’s stumbled from one lucky break into the next by following the rails Chris has carefully constructed on either side of him. Secondly he doesn’t give a damn about the dwarves and only sees them as a means to an end. Namely defeating the big bad.

There’s a long scene where Orik accuses the one clan then they deny the charges and they argue it out in the council. John Grisham you ain’t, Paolini. There’s testimony and such and the whole thing drags on so slowly I kept expecting find my hands have fossilized before I can get to the next page.

Long story short the bad clan is to be shunned until the leader is replaced and a vote will be called for the new king, or queen, in a couple of days. In the meantime Orik suggests they have yet another feast. Good god, Chris, is that all your characters do? Eragon should weigh seven hundred pounds by now with the number of feasts he goes to. By the end of the book he’ll be like Elvis in the declining years. Care for a fried peanut butter and banana sandwich, Eragon?

Then we switch back to Roran who’s examining the dirt. Sure he’s out on a mission of sorts but now is the best time to consider how one area is good for farming and then whining about how “That is where I should be, plowing the earth and raising a family with Katrina, not watering the ground with the sap of men’s limbs.”

I thought Roran was a farmer? Just why the hell does he think in such insipid purple prose, Chris? His thoughts should be a whole lot simpler. Hell, poetic for him would be thinking how he should be cutting wood not men. Short, simple and to the point. Something I’m sure you don’t get, Paolini.

Roran is now under a commander called Edric who he doesn’t like. Apparently he has an abrasive personality which Chris tells us rather than shows us. I wonder how show and tell worked for Chris. ‘This is my skateboard. My parents bought it for me for my birthday. It is way awesome and you all envy me. Everyone that sees it wants one exactly like it.’

They’re out looking for Imperials who are looting the unprotected countryside. It seems Gabby is taking advantage of the Varden putting all of their forces into one condensed location and not moving anymore than a mountain. They find some Imperials who don’t see them because they have plot blinders on. Then Edric gives some orders which Roran doesn’t agree with.

The Imperials though all gather in the center of the village they’re attacking and stare inward at their prisoners. I’m guessing they’re trying to figure out why they’re bothering to do all of this. It’s at this point when the idiots charge that the Imperials suddenly reveal they have crossbows hidden under their cloaks.

Roran decides he has to disobey orders and yells for everyone to take cover. Because god knows crossbows are like machine gun fire and not slow to reload or anything. Roran has his men get up on buildings and prepare to fire arrows down at them which takes four minutes. How Roran knows this I don’t know. I guess Paolini dropped off a stopwatch for the retard. It’s a good plan unless you notice that this gives the Imperials plenty of time to reload for the next volley. A pity they won’t be able to turn Roran into the bloodiest block of Swiss cheese like he so rightly deserves.

They shoot the Imperials and then charge. Roran uses his patented battle cry ‘to me’ and a new one ‘stay with me’. Yes, bunch up around him in no particular formation so he can take an arrow to the face. Somehow they drive the Imperials away in spite being outnumbered three to one.

Being as Edric is here as a tool of the plot, not a character, he yells at Roran for disobeying orders then calls him a coward. Roran gets mad and tells those under him to ignore Edric and do as he says. Roran decides to charge the five hundred Imperials gathered in the center of the village with ten men protected from arrows by Carn. Roran insults them for a bit and dares them to attack. Someone mentions that five hundred men could probably attack and kill the few of them.

“Yes, but they won’t. Look, they’re confused and disorganized. Their commander must have fallen. As long as we maintain order, they cannot overwhelm us.”

Really? So they only have one person capable of making decisions and once he’s dead then they fall into pure chaos. Lucky for Roran that the chain of command hasn’t been invented yet or this might be a really stupid idea.

They fight the Imperials and Roran takes a couple of “serious” wounds but nothing ever dangerous. He ends up killing almost two hundred Imperials in one go, Carn was counting for no apparent reason, and then laughs about it. It’s good to see he’s fully embraced his true nature and has given up angsting about every little death.

Edric is mad though and relieves Roran of his command and makes him a prisoner because he’s just a jerk. He’s not really a prisoner though, Roran just pinky swore that he wouldn’t flee. They clean up the bodies and then march out. I just can’t wait for Roran to be made captain and to see Edric get his comeuppance.