Brisingr Chapters 25 & 26

These chapters are called ‘orders’ and ‘footprints of shadow’.

Late that night, visions of death and violence gathered along the edges of Eragon’s dreams, threatening to overwhelm him with panic. He stirred with unease, wanting to break free but unable to do so. Brief, disjointed images of stabbing swords and screaming men and Murtagh’s angry face flashed before his eyes.

Wait, Chris. I thought Eragon didn’t sleep. Okay, sure. I counted it as sleeping but according to you that’s not what he does. I would figure that would mean no dreams but then again I think elves are the most annoying stock fantasy race. Please, o master of douchiness, show me the true way.

Saphira invades his dreams and calms him down. Because nothing shows how wonderful their bond is than his pet dragon having to fill in for mom. Ah, did the hero have a scary dream? Well your big talking lizard will watch over you while you sleep you poor over privileged baby. And just what does she get out of their bond again? Oh yeah, focus of the narrative.

Then we go to the next morning.

Eragon bathed, shaved with magic, cleaned the falchion’s scabbard of dried blood from the previous day, and then dressed in one of his elf tunics.

‘Hey kids, did the end of the Twilight series get you down?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Do all those other books just move way too fast to keep up?’ ‘Yeah.’ ‘Do you miss the dull laundry list narration following an author avatar coupled with completely sexless characters devoid of personality existing in an action vacuum?’ ‘Yeah!’ ‘Great, because I’ve got a series for you, Eragon! From BlandCo’s new publishing department we offer you the prize of fan fiction savant, Chris Paolini.’

‘In this series you’ll find, a made up language and world that’s shockingly familiar and yet so retarded that the Tolkien estate wouldn’t dare sue lest they draw further comparison between the two. Snotty elves. Convenient prophecy. Just so explanations. Retconing and much, much more. All geared to making something so simple the internet could beat it by mashing every troll comment into a ball and printing it out. Order now and you’ll receive this patented home lobotomy kit to further your Eragon reading experience.’

Eragon then goes to a board meeting with Nasuada where she lays out the next bit of plot. Eragon is to go to Tronjhein where he will combat the Master Control Program for dominance on the net, attempt to free Tron and return to Encom labs. Meanwhile Saphira will have a guest spot with the Pernese where she’ll help combat the thread.

Or Eragon will go to the dwarves and force them to pick a new leader while Saphira will stay behind. Gee, what could possibly go wrong? Everything please. Eragon whines about how he doesn’t want to but Nasuada puts her foot down and threatens to send Eragon to bed without any elf poon.

Eragon says he’ll go but once the dwarves have got a new king he wants Saphira to join him so she can try to repair the giant sapphire they broke back in the first one. Oh and he wants to stop by Dagobah, I mean Elfland, to complete his training.

Saphira and Eragon whine to each other about being apart and Saphira wishes there were a way they could stay in contact all the time. Sure, buy a cell phone. Barring that have your author invent a magical simulacrum to fill the void.

The next chapter has Eragon being his usual retarded self. See his departure is supposed to be a secret. That’s why Saphira is staying behind, to create the illusion that Eragon is lounging about the camp. Natraully, Eragon has to tell his cousin. Surely the country bumpkin who’s getting started on trying to have enough kids to fill an orchestra will make secrecy his priority.

Then they go to the kitchen so Saphira can feed. Why? Supposedly they don’t have time for her to go hunting. But I thought she was staying behind? Whatever. She demands a live animal and a barrel of mead. Oh, but all the mead has been reserved for the dwarves. That is until Spahira threatens the kitchen master with a firsthand experience with dragon’s breath. And these are the good guys?

Eragon hangs out in the butchering yard like a creep while he drains animals of their life force just before they die, while Saphira eats, and stuffs it into his belt. I’ve got to wonder how that looks to the Varden. ‘Hey Bob?’ ‘Yes Ted?’ ‘Why’s Eragon hanging around? And why is he staring at the butcher’s block with rapture?’ ‘I had a cousin who did that when he was a lad. Later it turned out he liked cutting off the faces of prostitutes and wearing them like masks.’ ‘That’s pretty creepy Bob.’ ‘That’s why I spend a lot of time away from family and avoid breeding.’

Then Eragon goes and gets his stuff and makes himself invisible, in more painful detail, and sneaks out of camp. Too bad one of the Urgals, Garzhvog, tracks him and decides to go along as a bodyguard. I wonder if Garzhvog will have to die a “noble” death defending Eragon so he can get over his racism?

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1 Response to Brisingr Chapters 25 & 26

  1. If later in the series Eragon tries to pay the mead man back, I will personally eat my own pants.

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