Eldest Chapters 67 & 68

These chapters are called ‘the storm breaks’ and ‘convergence’.

Dawn comes and they decide it’s time to get this show on the road. The Varden try and sneak across towards the Imperials because it’s impossibly simple to go unnoticed while wearing four kitchens worth of saucepans in armor and huffing merrily towards your enemy like a pack of hoarding asthmatics. Even the normally thick Imperials notice this and get in on the idea that this battle is going down like the Lusitania.

Speaking of war pawns, has Chris ever even cracked open a history book or did his parents figure watching movies on AMC was enough to give him a solid background for the modern day? I mean, his battles are all nonsensical and devoid of real tactics or behavior. Especially considering that Gabby’s an evil dictator/king who’s supposed to be the most dishonorable lout since Johnny Honorless. He should be attacking in the middle of the night or slipping spies into the camp. Bad things should beset the heroes at every turn because he wants to hinder them. He shouldn’t be trying to have a sit down so they can discuss their feelings before having a good cry on national television.

During the night, the mephitic vapors had accumulated low to the ground, and now the dim morning light gilded the turgid clouds, turning them opaque. Thus, the Varden managed to cross three-quarters of the no-man’s-land before they were seen by the Empire’s sentries. As the alarm horns rang out before them, Nasuada shouted, “Now, Eragon! Tell Orrin to strike. To me, men of the Varden! Fight to win back your homes. Fight to guard your wives and children! Fight to overthrow Galbatorix! Attack and bathe your blades in the blood of our enemies! Charge!” She spurred her horse forward, and with a great bellow, the men followed, shaking their weapons above their heads.

Yes, fight to win back your homes which are actually inside a volcano which Gabby claims no ownership of and you only recently abandoned in order to fight a war that’s older than you. There’s another thing, why do the humans truly care about Gabby? There aren’t any humans alive that remember a time without ol’ Gabs. That’s four or five generations ago and people aren’t very good at keeping grudges going for that long if there’s no progress happening. At least in the Hundred Years’ war there was an actual struggle that wavered between the two factions which would provide incentive to keep going. People don’t keep trying if they never win and a century of loss doesn’t get people in the mood to keep going at it.

‘We need to overthrow the oppressor!’ ‘Ted, we’ve been trying for over a hundred years. Maybe it’s time we just accept that he’s going to be around for awhile.’ ‘Okay, but can we keep resisting?’ ‘Of course. Why that’s been a tradition since before my grandfather’s time and I wouldn’t dream of letting it go.’

Eragon gets to the job of hunting down magicians and making them wish they’d been born a whiny, self deserving turnip farmer rather than a throwaway character that presumably had to work to get where they are. That is to say the Varden magicians hunt down the other ones and then Eragon reaches through their brains and crushes the others and proceeding to kill the people surrounding them. All the while he feels about as much regret as swatting flies.

Then the Imperials start up their Star Destroyers, I mean engines of war. They launch explosives out of catapults and then out of trebuchets and then ballistae. What, no springalds or onagers? Hey Chris, fun fact for you. Those three things would have unlikely been on the same battlefield at the same time, numbnuts. They’re from different periods in warfare history and at least one of those supplanted the others because it was more accurate and powerful. Hint, hint it’s the trebuchet.

To deal with it Eragon goes and takes over the minds of some of the artillery crew and has them hack at their weapons until they’re all broke. Then he goes back to killing the magicians while raping their minds. Nasuada shows up and says they need him now so he does the Vulcan mind meld with Saphira and rides her into battle like a scaly horse. I guess all that flight training was just for show then?

Oh dear, the battle drags on and it looks like there’s no defeating the Imperials and their clone army. And look who shows up suddenly! It’s Gandalf and the Rohirrim! I mean, it’s the dwarves! Huzzah, the tide of battle has been turned.

Suddenly they spot a ship, one with three masts and smelling largely of inbreeding. Eragon and Saphira fly out to sink in. How a single ship carrying maybe a hundred soldiers is enough of a threat to draw Eragon away from the battle involving thousands upon thousands is beyond me but we’ve just got to have that reunion scene right now.

The next chapter switches over to Roran who’s wondering why everyone has all these open sores and their teeth are falling out even as they make landfall. They’d stopped at a town but Roran decided he has to assist the Varden or he won’t ever see his ditzy farm girl ever again. Thus they ended up sailing to the nearest exit on the Plotway. Oh and he’s whining about his arm aching where the Ra’zac bit him.

They hear the battle then man their battle stations. Roran thinks they can provide the nude needed to turn the tide and then he sees Eragon.

It was not the Eragon he remembered, but rather as if an artist had taken his cousin’s base features and enhanced them, streamlined them, making them both more noble and more feline. This Eragon was garbed like a prince, in fine cloth and armor—though tarnished by the grime of war—and in his right hand he wielded a blade of iridescent red. This Eragon, Roran knew, could kill without hesitation. This Eragon was powerful and implacable…. This Eragon could slay the Ra’zac and their mounts and help him to rescue Katrina.

Because even Roran has to take his turn fellating the ego of Chris and his avatar. Couldn’t you have skipped the praise, Chris? We know you love Eragon so much you probably made out with the actor playing him just to see if was anything like wanking yourself silly. You don’t need to hammer this point home or that you love elves. Try focusing on something that you’ve been ignoring like say the dragons or the giant battle going on in the distance.

They trade some mind bullets and Eragon flies back off. Roran tells everyone to stay put because he’s going to go change Alagaësia’s future. That’s probably true, by being the absolute worst backup anyone could ever ask for.

I can’t wait to see how Roran adds to the battle considering no on knows how he is and he’s wielding an ungainly hammer in place of a decent weapon. ‘Hey Bob?’ ‘Yeah Bill?’ ‘Who’s that guy running at us and screaming while waving a hammer about?’ ‘Probably an ally of ours come to kill more Imperials.’ ‘Really?’ ‘Of course not, he’s probably a lone imperial that snuck about to try and create a distraction. Let the archers deal with him.’ Three arrows immediately pin Roran to the ground like a movie poster and he bleeds out, leaving Eragon bereft of family.