Eldest Chapters 65 & 66

These chapters are called ‘nar garzhvog’ and ‘witch’s brew’.

You’d think that, what with two armies facing one another, especially enemies that can’t reach an accord, that a fight scene would be inevitable. At the opening of this chapter I was thinking to myself ‘Vivi, we’re over sixty chapters in. There’s only six chapters left. Chris has got to spend that tiny handful going through the battle and then the aftermath. I mean, he has to have gotten better between the previous book and this one. Right? Right!?! Answer me!’

At that point I was escorted from the Federal building at the polite, yet firm, insistence of some kindly folks with government issue guns. Chris, like Otis, never fails to disappoint me. So no, instead of getting into the actual fight, we get to sit around for a while longer because some Urgals show up.

Nasuada calls Eragon to her tent and tells him she’s giving them an audience because they’re waving the white flag. Why Eragon is present for this baffles me. Unless Chris just wants to put Eragon’s racism on display which comes across strong. It’s one of the few things he does with any kind of skill. Read into that what you will.

Only a nameless soldier agrees with Eragon. Saphira says that the elves thought the same thing about dragons, that they were savages. Funny, I thought they thought dragons were no more than beasts? Again, I think my memory is failing to serve the will of the author.

Chris tells us how they setup in preparation for the Urgal visitors. They get out a small tray of assorted cheeses and crackers, some wine and a little soft music. Then a single Kull, remember they’re the supersized combo of Urgals, shows up. Of course he’s wearing a loincloth and scraps of armor. Do “savages” ever wear anything else in fantasies? Why is that? Are they immune to cold or are they supposed to be too dumb to have figured out trousers? I mean, the puritans were a bunch of ignorant jerks and they wore pants, why not the Urgals?

Eragon felt his lips tighten in a grimace of hate; he had to struggle to keep from drawing Zar’roc and attacking. Yet despite himself, he could not help but admire the Urgal’s courage in confronting an entire army of enemies alone and unarmed. To his surprise, he found the Kull’s mind strongly shielded.

Really? This is coming from Eragon, remember Chris? You sure you want to go that route? So Eragon, who’s supposed to be really powerful at this point, thinks the Urgal’s mind is really well shielded. And you’ve said dragon riders are far more powerful than other magicians even shades, right Chris? Then how in the name of Tolkien did Sam the Shade control all the Urgals?

Oh, it seems they made a pact with the Urgals which Gabby violated or something. Chief Klingon says they will fight with the Varden in exchange for Gabby’s blood and land. Nasuada asks Eragon if they’ll keep their word. How does Eragon know anything about the Urgals? Well he read a bunch of stuff on them with the elves. Not that Nasuada knows that, she just assumes that because Eragon trained with the elves he knows stuff. ‘Do you know anything about heart surgery?’ ‘No but I trained with the elves for a day.’ ‘Oh, then be my guest.’

And how do the elves have all this written material on the Urgals? Weren’t they an evil scourge that followed the elves across the ocean? Did they document the Urgals because they respect them or were they merely observations scribbled down as they tried to drive them into extinction? The Urgal ambassador even mentions that their numbers have grown appreciably since the riders vanished.

Which raises even further questions. The riders were racist enough to keep killing the Urgals to keep them marginalized as a species and they failed miserably to kill off a race even with all their powers. Again, I’m not seeing Gabby as evil. He at least tried to work with the Urgals and killed off the previous riders who were clearly Elf supremacists.

Then an Imperial shows up and tells them the battle is still on. Eragon asks if he should kill him and Nasuada says this.

Nasuada shook her head. “We will have our due soon enough. I won’t violate the sanctity of envoys, even if the Empire has.”

Wait, when did the Empire violate such sanctity? I swear I’ve been paying attention to this stupid thing. ‘Uhh, they did, like in the past.’ Not good enough Chris. You don’t get off trying to tell me stuff. Show me you freaking moron or I’ll send a baboon over to cave your head in with a Toblerone bar.

Saphira roars and scares his horse which throws him to the ground which shoots a jet of fire out at that moment and roasts him to death. I wish that were a joke because it’s just retarded enough that I couldn’t believe it happened. The Varden cheer because there’s nothing like killing the messenger for bad news then Saphira says for them to come because they’ll all burn.

The next chapter has us in the camp at night because armies are all about getting their beauty rest before a big battle. I mean, what kind of crazy bastard would fight at night? I mean, who would send in a small party to attack the enemy, sow confusion and see if they couldn’t get them to kill each other before dawn comes? That would be pure madness.

Oh, and Orik mentions Murtagh and Eragon feels sad. Funny, no one’s mentioned him since Eragon cried about it. He feels sad for a second then complains that this battle needs to get done and over with. For once we both agree, Rag man.

Eragon oils his saddle, polishes his chainmail and stands around stupidly trying to magic a bucket of fried chicken into existence. Just as a red and white striped outline begins to appear in front of him, Eragon senses Angela! Wait, who cares? Oh, Chris does because otherwise he can’t drive the plot forward.

Angela was doing something to hinder the Imperials. You mean besides saddling them with the most incompetent leader ever? It’s got to be pretty brutal to overcome that. Nasuada shows up with a couple of Urgals and says they’ll be guars for Eragon. Eragon whines some more about them and Nasauda tell him to shut up and deal. Oh and if she dies she’s named him as her successor.

Her announcement caught him by surprise. Nothing meant more to her than the Varden. Offering it to him was the greatest act of trust she could make. Her confidence humbled and touched him; he bowed his head. “I would strive to be as good a leader as you and Ajihad have been. You honor me, Nasuada.”

Better than the man who’s only function was to greet Eragon and then killed by Urgals or the daughter who made some money selling lace? I see you’ve set the bar pretty low already Chris. You wouldn’t want an actual challenge to crop up sometime during Eragon’s tenure as the boss man. At least nothing he can’t shove the pointy end of Za’roc into and make it all better.

Might I mention that the Urgals call Eragon Flamesword? Does he really have to keep accumulating additional names? By the end of the third book I expect Eragon’s name alone will take up a page every time it’s said properly.

Eragon gets to root through the minds of his four Urgal guards like forgotten steamer trunks in his grandpa’s attic. And, much like grandpa’s attic, he finds a horrifying collection of pornography and toys which make him wish old gramps had gotten around to cleaning out his house a bit before he died of his sudden heart attack.

And wouldn’t you know it, in less space than Chris devoted to Eragon’s sciatica, Eragon has gone from owning a white conical hat with eyeholes cutout to tolerant Boulder hippie that feels nervous when poor people are around but then guilty for feeling nervous and then good about themselves for feeling guilty about being nervous. Because if after school specials have taught me anything it’s that racism is wrong and that people can undergo massive personality changes in less time than it takes to microwave a toaster pastry.

Angela puts her weapon together and they stand around until they can hear people screaming from across the way. Apparently Angela spent all night poisoning the soldiers. Orik whines that it’s not honorable and Angela says it doesn’t matter. Touché, Angela but let me ask you this. If you’re so good you can slip past all these soldiers and magicians to poison people why haven’t you gone after Gabby? Oh, sorry. I wasn’t thinking like Chris or one of his adoring fans. ‘Dragons are awesome!’ There, inconsistency forgotten.