Eldest Chapters 53 & 54

Before going in, I’d like to state for the record that we are over fifty chapters in and nothing has happened. What little action Chris has wrung out of his dishrag brain was dripped down Roran’s throat. Eragon has done nothing but whine and train along with Spahira, albeit in a reduced capacity. I thought this series was about dragons? I thought it was supposed to be an epic journey and such, Chris? Yes, I am calling you a liar.

These chapters are called ‘an unexpected ally’ and ‘escape’.

How did Jeod know Roran is related to Eragon? Because they look alike. They must have a hell of a resemblance for him to notice. Especially since Eragon must have already begun his elf transition. I mean, cousins don’t usually look that much alike…unless they weren’t really cousins. Maybe that’s why Eragon’s mom had to leave so quickly. And why Garrow kept lamenting how much he wanted Eragon to call him “father”.

Roran and Jeod say they’ve got to talk. You’re right guys, communication is absolutely key. Might I recommend wrapping yourselves in wire and getting hit by lightning? That way you can actually exchange memories. Never mind the camera crew wearing “Alagaësia’s Dumbest Deaths”, they’re here for completely unrelated reasons. Jeod says they should exchange stories.

“If I do, and we’re not satisfied by your answers afterward, we’ll have to kill you,” warned Roran.

Sure you will Roran. Might as well claim you’re going to flap your arms and generate a tornado, you mildly psychotic girl scout. Roran goes over his boring life and complains to us about how reciting the old terrors is painful for Roran. Old terrors? I don’t know if you can count, Roran, but you’re what? Eighteen, nineteen? You don’t have any ‘old terrors’. Come back to the table when you’re forty and you’ve got to drink yourself to sleep every night.

“By the Lost Kings!” exclaimed Jeod. “That’s the most extraordinary tale. Extraordinary! To think you’ve managed to thwart Galbatorix and that right now the entire village of Carvahall is hiding outside one of the Empire’s largest cities and the king doesn’t even know it….” He shook his head with admiration.

Hold up, Chris. Jeod was around when Brom stole the dragon egg and when he killed Morzan. That’s far more impressive than a bunch of cow punchers beating the Imperials off with sticks. That admiration you think you’re seeing there, Roran? That’s contempt masked lightly with sarcasm.

‘No, really. I’ve never heard of anything so amazing. You are truly the greatest hero of this generation. Shall I get to forging you a medal?’ ‘Alright, there’s no need to be rude.’ ‘You’re right. A medal isn’t nearly good enough for the likes of you and the other inbred yokels. I shall commission a statue a thousand feet high, made of bronze and set with the finest stones.’

Helen, Jeod’s wife wants to talk to him but Roran won’t let him. He puts a knife to his throat and tells him this is a sausage fest and it will stay that way, thank you very much. Gertrude asks why she isn’t counted. ‘You’re a woman?’ Roran asks before shrugging and letting Jeod talk.

Jeod gets Roran caught up on everything from Eragon being the new ‘rider’ to Brom stealing the egg. Roran has a ‘it’s all your fault’ moment where he blames Eragon. Jeod quickly defuses that because how dare anyone, especially a character Chris likes, think anything bad about the author vis a vis his avatar.

Jeod then reveals the location of the Ra’zac. Roran then decides to go and attack Dras Leona all by his lonesome. He goes there, gets killed and turned into burgers. The inhabitants discover cannibalism is great and begin hunting the land for other corn fed farmers to barbecue over their smoke pits back home.

Then Jeod spoke of Brom’s death; of Murtagh, son of Morzan; of capture and escape in Gil’ead; of a desperate flight to save an elf; of Urgals and dwarves and a great battle in a place called Farthen Dûr, where Eragon defeated a Shade. And Jeod told them how the Varden left the Beor Mountains for Surda and how Eragon was even now deep within Du Weldenvarden, learning the elves’ mysterious secrets of magic and warfare, but would soon return.

How does he know all this? Oh sure, he’s an agent of the Varden. Except that he’s low level so why is he getting info passed to him? And another thing, some of that isn’t stuff anyone in the Varden is likely to know. When Eragon mentioned the rescue of Arya, he only told Aji, last I recall, and Aji died pretty quickly. Unless the man tweeted it, ‘listening to Rag talk about saving Arya, LOLZ. Elfs suck.’ I don’t think anyone else knows about it.

Here’s a little quote that made me laugh.

“I’ve been aware for almost a year that my true identity—as well as that of many other merchants here and elsewhere who have assisted the Varden—was betrayed to the Empire. Because of that, I haven’t dared flee to Surda.

Betrayed? Seriously? Who’s the idiot that trusted the empire with their identity? ‘Damn and blast! The empire has betrayed my true identity! The very enemy I’ve sworn to fight wasn’t trustworthy. Who could have foreseen such foul treachery…okay, yeah. Why did I do that in the first place? Oh right, my crippling addiction to Lobotomy Tonics.’ And I hate to do this but another bit of hilarious text.

“The Dragon Wing is owned by the Blackmoor Shipping Company, a front for the Empire. They handle supplies for the army, which has mobilized to an alarming degree recently, conscripting soldiers among the peasants and commandeering horses, asses, and oxen.” Jeod raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what it indicates, but it’s possible Galbatorix means to march on Surda. In any case, the Dragon Wing is to sail for Feinster within the week. She’s the finest ship ever built, from a new design by master shipwright Kinnell.”

A front for the empire? Gabby runs a goddamned dictatorship. The attempt at subterfuge is lost on me considering this is, supposedly, a man who is confiscating oxen and horses. Or don’t you remember that, Chris? He normally operates with all the subtlety of a raging bull that’s been lit on fire. Admit it Chris, you just thought it would be really cool to put in some cloak and dagger crap.

So they’ve decided to steal the big ship sitting in the harbor. It’s a good thing the empire wouldn’t put guards on a ship they commissioned through one of their ‘fronts’. And luckily those nonexistent guards won’t notice a couple hundred morons boarding it.

Jeod says he hates to break up the party but he’s got to get ready. Oh and he has to tell his wife what he’s really been up to for who knows how long. ‘My darling Helen, I have a confession. I am an agent of the Varden.’ ‘You mean that rebel group that hasn’t had any success in overthrowing the king?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘I think I’m going back to pretending you put on a dress and sleep with politicians.’

Roran confronts the boy with the gambling problem. A few words and he’s straightened out, no more gambling problem ever. Then he sends him back with a message. Roran tells him to dodge a tail if he gets one, and to kill him if need be. Then he tells him to break the tillers on the barges to screw over the captain. I can see why he’s one of the good guys.

They wait until dark and then they go at the ship. Luckily there’re only four guards, two on deck and two below. They send Birgit to do the distraction and then crack the guards on the head. They then also gather up the four regular crew, there being no other guards, and tie them up as well.

With that done they waste some time getting ready. Oh and Helen shows up. She didn’t leave with them and Roran tried to tell Jeod it was all right. She’s going along grudgingly though which makes me wonder if she’s “bad” and does something later like informing on Roran.

They finish getting ready and prepare some ballistae which they use to launch flaming bolts at the Imperials. This starts a major fire which endangers the city. Roran does his ‘how many have I killed now’ schtick and we’re supposed to forgive him because he feels bad.

Blah blah blah. Boring stuff about supplies and infighting among the idiots. Then the Ra’zac show up along the coastline. One of them says they won’t escape and then one of the villagers loses their plot blinders long enough to point out that the Ra’zac are staying near land.

Baldor readies a bow but wants everyone to hide him while he does. I guess he figures that if the Ra’zac don’t see him with the weapon they won’t attack. Or maybe he’s hoping they’ll think it was Roran and he’ll still be able to bargain Roran’s life for his own later on.

Baldor hits the parent in the hindquarters and it screams. Then it flies off, carrying the Ra’zac away. Jeod mentions that though they’re not under attack, now the Imperials know where they are. Sure the wake of dead guards and discarded whiskey bottles wasn’t much of a trail leading up to you but now, now they know.

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4 Responses to Eldest Chapters 53 & 54

  1. And WHY does Joed know where the Ra’zac are? Is Paolinipedia a real thing in Alagaesia?

    Scruffles: Nope. We’re here, remember? Joed hasss been fed falssse information asss to our whereaboutsss.

    Me: But… but Roran saw you in this chapter.

    Chompers: That’sss not usss. We usssually wear cloaksss in that book, remember? So we can ssswitch ourssselvesss out with some disposable hicksss whenever we want.

    Me: Clever. But what about Spot and Fluffy? Aren’t they out doing … *cough* over in the nearby mountains right now?

    Scruffles: Paolini wasss going to have a bunch of the dragonsss come out hiding eventually, right? Well, we already chasssed them out of their hiding placcce and ssspray painted them gray. Cruel, I know, but dragonsss are douchesss. Jussst trussst me on that one.

    Chompers: They eat all the good people, for one thing!

    Me: Well, okay. But now I want to know, if you could do all that, why couldn’t you destroy Otis??

    Scruffles: Hisssss!! Don’t ssspeak that name!

    Chompers: The Twimomsss… The Twimomssssssss!!!!

    Me: Answer me!!

    Scruffles: Tricking thossse idiotsss in the booksss isssn’t hard! Half the time when they’re after usss, they go attack some poor old lady in a raincloak inssstead!

    Chompers: And if they DO ever encounter usss for real, they asssk “Are you the Ra’zac?” and we sssay “No, we’re sssausssage peddlersss” and they believe usss! Even when they asssk for sssausssage afterwardsss and we don’t have it, we give them a leftover corpssse finger inssstead and –

    Me: Okay, I get it, Chompers. So… you’re supposed to be elite assassins for Galbatorix, but you’re surprisingly soft from only having these lobotomy patients to defend yourselves from. It looks like you need to be toughened up a bit…

    Scruffles: How do you mean?

    Me: I mean that as soon as Spot and Fluffy are done with their little romp, you’re back off to Pheonix!!

    Together: Hisssss!!! Noooooo!!! Twimoms!!!

    Me: Take them out in the name of good literature!

  2. maeverin says:

    Roran is on a good path to villiany.
    you want a dictatorship? I’ll show you a dictatorship!

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