These chapters are called ‘in a starry glade’ and ‘landfall’.
Eragon Wakes: 18
Eragon wakes alone. So, status quo then? Yup, Eragon runs through his douche checklist. He’s still in charge, still the best/last hope for the dragons and world and a stupid ponce. On the upside, his back is healed. On the downside, his back is healed.
He’s only been asleep an hour yet Saphira felt the need to wake him up. Great, now he’ll be cranky and douchy all day. She tells him that nothing like this has ever happened before. Apparently the racial memories of Saphira and Glaedr combined through magic and made the dragon apparition.
Thank you for explaining that Chris. See, for a second I was really worried it would just be one of those things that happens and no one knows why. You know, kind of how things happen every great while in a fantasy. Of course that would force your fans to use their imagination and we both know they don’t have one of those else you wouldn’t get paid for this.
I should mention that Eragon has undergone further transformation. I think I’ll let the idiot speak for himself.
It was as if the numerous physical changes that, over time, alter the appearance of a human Rider—and which Eragon had already begun to experience since bonding with Saphira—had been completed while he was unconscious. His face was now as smooth and angled as an elf’s, with ears tapered like theirs and eyes slanted like theirs, and his skin was as pale as alabaster and seemed to emit a faint glow, as if with the sheen of magic. I look like a princeling. Eragon had never before applied the term to a man, least of all himself, but the only word that described him now was beautiful. Yet he was not entirely an elf. His jaw was stronger, his brow thicker, his face broader. He was fairer than any human and more rugged than any elf.
Yes, that’s quite a bit of a word dump, isn’t it? Though have you noticed what I have? Hopefully not as you’re letting me do the reading. Chris spends the same effort describing Eragon’s new looks as he did explaining the Ra’zac. Their entire lifecycle and history is worth less to Chris than flaunting his avatar’s new skin. I say this because Eragon has and will continue to mention his looks.
Well, now that Eragon is all prettied up he can move to Seattle and start high school. Maybe he’ll find a horribly bland girl, stalk her with his mind powers and marry her. Then the unholy alliance between the two fan fiction writers will be complete.
Now that’s he’s different no one recognizes him. Eraogn decides to take advantage and surprises Arya who mistakes him for her long lost fiancée, Polemar who also happens to have found a blue dragon he named Saphira. Everything is fine until the real Polemar shows up with a much larger and meaner dragon, both of them sporting tattoos like ‘kill all betrayers.’ Hilarity ensues.
Eragon decides that now is a perfect time to drag Arya out to a romantic spot and share his feelings. ‘Oh Eragon, you want something that can never be. We can never love one another.’ ‘Right…love. Are you sure, like really sure?’ ‘I am.’ ‘Oh well, let’s have a drink to celebrate our friendship then.’ ‘I would be delighted.’ ‘Let me pour you a little something my vintage Rohypnol collection.’
Arya reminds Eragon that there is no getting out of the friend zone. For one he’s too young and always will be. Eragon says she can put some of her memories in him and then he’ll have all the experience she does. Now I’m picturing him with his face pressed up to her bedroom window ‘I want you inside me.’
She says no dice and walks off leaving him to bawl. For any other character I might feel pity. This is a moment where Eragon should grow up and learn the difference between being in love and being infatuated with someone. He’s not going to learn that lesson though. Because of that I demand Eragon be spitted and roasted over a pit of venom spitting Koals. Koals being enchanted wood that transforms into living snakes once they reach a sufficient temperature.
Did ya miss Roran? No? Me neither. Still, the only way over it, is through it. He’s standing on the poop deck, staring out over the water and trying not to meet anyone’s gaze. No one pays him much mind until the captain notices his pant are down and he’s staring at a magazine. ‘Roran! No, that’s not what it’s for!’ Between his willful misunderstanding of nautical terms and his continued singing of “On a Boat” he’s the most insufferable bastard to ever take to the high seas. Except, maybe, for Captain Ron.
Roran tells the captain to pull over because they’re close to the city. He wants to have most of them get off the boats and someone asks him to talk to her son about gambling. Roran will try but then he sees how much he can make per day and decides to give up his day job, leaving the villagers on their own. He then wagers his hammer, loses and ends up the town drunk.
Roran has a chat with the captain telling him he’d better be there when he gets back. It seems Roran and a few others are going on ahead. The captain says he’d never break an agreement because he doesn’t like the Empire. ‘Oh yeah? Well what about that poster you have that says “Hail the Empire”?’ ‘That’s just to throw the imperials off.’ ‘Really? And what about the collection of Galbatorix dragon rider cards?’ ‘Those are his rookie cards, they’re quite rare.’ ‘I see. And what about the unopened Galbatorix action figure that’s signed, “to my biggest fan and most loyal subject”?’ ‘I bought it on ebay.’ ‘Ebay?’ ‘Elvish bartering day. It’s an elvish holiday of bartering and trade. They have some good deals on occasion.’
Roran and a couple of other village idiots gather on a hilltop. They argue over who’s dumber for there can be only one village idiot. Then Roran tells them that the kid with the gambling problem, Mandel, is coming along. One person asks why and Roran just says he needs to come along and there’s not further discussion. Then they head into Terim.
Why are they doing this? What is the point? Do the villagers just get together to tell each other what they’re going to do or is it just Roran? ‘So I was thinking about having breakfast then going down to the river and washing my face.’ ‘Why, Roran?’ ‘Because then my face would be clean.’ ‘Oh, that makes sense.’ ‘Well, good meeting everyone. Let’s go about our daily chores and we’ll meet up same time tomorrow.’ ‘Alright then.’ ‘Oh, and I’m also planning on walking around to get places and eating when I get hungry.’
I’m surprised that hasn’t had Eragon and Arya make-the-dragon-with-two-backs. You know they’ll end up together but at least she isn’t swooning over is rugged good elf looks.
Huh… maybe this means she’s less shallow and racist than we thought? He’s an elf and she still hates him.
Eragon, it’s not your species, it’s you. You just plain suck.
Now if only it’d stay that way and hate him forever. Eventually he’ll win her over. That is until she discovers that the racial enhancements don’t extend to Eragon’s private parts and goes back to her better endowed elf boyfriend.
“Better endowed”? I thought elves had near-microscopic privates!
I only say that because Chris’s elves are better than us stoopid hoomans. I personally think elves are like magical puritans that focus all their sexual frustration into being superior to humans.
i was trying to picture this new Eragon, and granted, i’m basing his looks mostly on the movie, but i gotta say i don’t think Eragon would look all that great. male elves are usually portrayed as effeminite looking with softer features and i doubt Chris has strayed from that. given what we’ve heard about Eragon’s looks now (elf-like but with “rugged” features) if you take away all the “i feel pretty!” commentary, i think he’d be quite fugly.
Like Otis with Edward. How are topaz eyes supposed to look good with albino skin? No, seriously, picture it.
I think it’d it be even funnier when he’s got stubble. He probably looks like a fifteen year old trying desperately to show he’s mature by growing out a bit of scruff. Heck, I’m picturing him like that with his voice cracking and it’s hilarious. ‘Time to die Galbatorix. Hey, stop laughing. It’s not funny. I’m just a late bloomer. Stop making fun of me!’