Eldest Chapters 45 & 46

These chapters are called ‘the hammer falls’ and ‘the beginning of wisdom’. Hurray for more long and dull chapters that feel like they’re scraping the back of my eyes with a surgical probe.

As was his habit, Roran divided the landscape into quadrants, examining each one for a full minute, always alert for the flash of movement or the hint of light that might betray the approach of enemies. His mind soon began to wander, drifting from subject to subject with the hazy logic of dreams, distracting him from his task. He bit the inside of his cheek to force himself to concentrate. Staying awake was difficult in such mild weather….

Really Chris? Do we have to start off with the retardation so soon? I mean, it’s really early. Can’t you just have Roran dick around camp for a page or two so I can get into the swing of things?

Ugh. Anyway, just who the hell taught Roran about quadrants? The whole town is made up of people too dumb to put on shoes in the morning if Roran doesn’t remind them. Or did he just figure it out on his own? Something that’s perfectly plausible as Roran has frequently kept a watch that was effective.

Suddenly Roran feels a sense of foreboding. Oh no, my spidey senses are tingling! It’s the Ra’zac and their parents are here! Somebody grab the dead and start making a human noodle casserole, Roran you go greet them and take their cloaks, everyone else act pleasantly surprised that they dropped in unannounced.

Roran’s advice for dealing with the Ra’zac? Calm the animals. They run over and calm the animals, which I hope isn’t a euphemism for anything, and kills a donkey because it won’t shut up. Then a bunch of fleeing deer run through the camp which distracts the Ra’zac and they go after them instead. It’s a good thing the Ra’zac are the worst predators ever and confuse the braying of a mule with the bleating of a deer.

‘Did you hear that?’ ‘Yesss, it came from over there!’ ‘Moo! Bark! Moo!’ ‘Hmm, it ssssoundsss like sssome sssquirrelsss.’ ‘Are you sssure? I thought it sssounded more like kittensss.’ ‘Meow! Meow! I am a rooster!’ ‘Oh, I’m glad they cleared that up. One day we really need to ssstudy animal sssoundsss.’

Everyone is all for riding the barges now. They go into town and talk to the sailor they’re going to rip off soon. He’s willing to take four newbies on as crew but he wants three guards per ship and he says they’d better not be green. Roran promises that, now, they’re not green, they’re more of a sack of clothes stuffed with straw.

Roran allowed himself a grim smile. “Every man who rides with me has proved himself in battle many times over.”

I wouldn’t be smirking, king of the tards. The Imperials attacked your town twice, during only one of which the Ra’zac bothered to do anything. Driving them off because they were outnumbered and under trained does not constitute a major military coup. ‘We’ve driven off the rats! Huzzah, we’re ready to take on Galbatorix directly!’

They wait until early and then run down to meet the captain. They’re stopped at the gate of the town by the mean guard who eyeballed Roran before. He eyeballs Roran again and suspects he’s the guy on the wanted poster. Roran spears him in the throat and think ‘well, that’s ten.’

I like how Roran and Eragon kill with impunity. At first Roran showed a little remorse but that’s quickly gone the way of the dodo. Now he just keeps a running tally and double checks it against known serial killer stats. ‘Let’s see, that’s as many as BTK but not as many as Richard Ramirez. Man, I’ve really got to streamline my process if I plan on getting up near Gary Ridgway territory.’

They get on the boat, the captain tells Roran he’s awesome because he commands the townsfolk’s loyalty, and then they leave. He has another serial killer moment and he enjoys how wonderful the day is. He realizes that he’s never felt so alive. Later he’ll attribute that to the murder and a seed will be planted. All I can say is that Horst had better watch his back.

The captain gets mad when he discovers that Roran expects him to take people, not livestock, to Terim. Roran vaguely threatens the captain who tries to bludgeon Roran with a belaying pin. However, Roran has been studying kung fu movies and blocks it without looking. Ol’ cap then demands to know why Roran is taking them. Roran explains and Cap agrees. Oh and Horst says Roran is a harder man than he’ll ever be. I guess Horst’s standards aren’t what they used to be since the shrapnel. Now they all get on the ship then they leave.

Now we’re back to Eragon who’s busy sitting around smelling flowers. He says that the animals wander through elfland without fear of hunters yet they flee from Eragon. Eragon is a hunter and he’s in elfland. That would be fear of hunters, you goddamned moron Chris.

Eragon sees wondrous things in the woods like a furred snake and a ghost. The flowers and such aren’t changing even as winter comes. The elves talk to the animals like they’re all doctor Doolittle. Elfland is just a super, shiny place of wonder. Why it’s almost a, dare I say, wonderland?

We get it Chris, you really, really love elves. Like, so much you bought a body pillow cover designed after Arwen and humped it threadbare. Your local comic shops don’t allow you to take issues of Elfquest into the bathroom. The theater banned you from seeing the Lord of the Rings after you took in a bottle of lotion and a blanket. You make your escorts wear Spock ears before they show up.

Eragon feels bad, if such a thing is possible, about making Arya upset. So he does the only thing that comes natural. He breaks into her apartment. Or he walks through the open door and wanders around looking for her, uninvited. He looks at her stuff and then notices her in the doorway. Then he offers her some picked flowers.

They sit down and have tea and a nice chat about things. Spahira’s good but she hates having her teeth brushed. Eragon’s back is still flaring up from time to time but training continues. And won’t she please reconsider having feelings for Eragon? He doesn’t want to have the author force her but if that’s his only recourse then fine. Maybe they’ll spend some time together before she takes off to join the Varden.

We then switch over to Eragon riding Saphira and using elvish lip balm. As practice for attacking the Imperials, they fly over a herd of deer and rain fireballs down on them. Or they fly over regular sized mountains and dick around.

They flew southwest from dawn until early afternoon, often pausing for enthusiastic sparring bouts between Saphira and Glaedr, during which Eragon had to strap his arms onto the saddle to prevent himself from being thrown off by the stomach-turning acrobatics. He then would free himself by pulling on slipknots with his teeth.

Wait, how does Eragon tie up his own arms? Sure he could use magic, but then why doesn’t he just magic himself stuck to Saphira? Or am I over thinking the whole thing again?

They’re out riding with Glaedr just looking for trouble. They land and Glaedr says he’s going to reveal to them super secret knowledge so they’d best have their decoder rings ready. It’s knowledge that was only known to all the dragons and the leader of the riders. Because why should the regular riders know what they’re all about? Next think you’ll suggest they should know why they do what they do and that’s just crazy talk. Knowledge is for earners.

Blah blah blah, a paper treaty would have meant nothing to the dragons. I guess just making an immortal creature make a promise in the ‘ancient language’ would be too complex eh? No they had to find another way, and do you know why? Because dragon’s blood “runs hot and thick”. Exactly how the viscosity play into it is beyond me but Chris loves his elves so much he makes it the fault of the dragons that they have to make a treaty when it was the elves that started it in the first place.

So the elves worked on a spell for nine years that would do the whole binding thing. Apparently that’s how elves gained the magic, or more magic I guess, along with immortality and dragons learned to talk. Humans were added later and that’s what made them more than ‘barbarians’.

How does that work, Chris? If the magic affects the whole race of humans then why aren’t they starting to become immortal? Supposedly the loss of dragons is causing the elves power to wane. Also dwarves aren’t woven into the spell with the rest of the races.

Then why do they care about the fight, Chris? I mean, if all races are falling apart because the dragons are mostly gone then what do the dwarves care? They don’t like dragons and everyone else is a bunch of foreigners. Wouldn’t it benefit them if everybody died out? Kill Saphira and then the dragons are gone for good. Eventually the elves and the humans will die out and the dwarves will be left to rule the land. Or am I over thinking, yet again?

And then, if the spell was cast by the elves, how did the first Eragon bond with the first hatchling? He had to use a makeshift bond or something of the like, right? Then why is it wrong for Gabby to do so when that’s how it started?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. Eragon looks over his meal and is tired of eating rabbit food. He wants some meat. Great, is this the scene where he goes and tries to eat it but can’t because he’s changed somehow? We could skip that crap if it’s all the same to you Chris.

And of course we can’t, as predicted. He can’t eat the bunnies because he’s been in a rabbit and that’s the only life they get. Saphira reminds him that every creature has it’s place and even rabbits know that. Eragon says ‘oh no, I don’t think ill of you’ to Saphira in the condescending way so many vegetarians do. ‘Nope, doesn’t bother me that you murder innocent animals.’ He says he won’t try to force it on Saphira. Too bad, I’d like to see her go hungry and then eat the moron.