These chapters are called ‘why do you fight?’ and ‘black morning glory’. By the way, these are both bloody long so prepare for a logorrheic post.
Eragon Wakes: 16
The alarm clock goes off and Eragon explodes it with a word. Angered that he doesn’t respect property, Oromis kills him and then himself, ending any chance of defeating Galbatorix.
Eagon whines about his back. Yes, we get it. Your back hurts you occasionally. If Oromis tells you to man up and deal with it you’d better do as he says. You can’t be having an elf show you up now can you?
Oromis tells Eragon it’s time for them to cross swords. Oromis is better, of course, because he’s an elf. Chris describes Oromis in the same flowery, overwrought terms as Arya. Again, I have to ask what makes the elves so strong? It makes no sense, they have magic which gives them powers far above anyone, so sayeth the mighty Chris. Why do they care about physical prowess? Why does it affect their bodies? How did they lose to Galbatorix if they’re so perfect?
Oromis and Eragon both have an attack of their respective injuries and collapse. Saphira turns wuss and tells him that he can’t continue this way, can’t you see that it’ll destroy you Eragon? Now if only she’d divorce him like Mary Jane from Peter Parker, stop playing the policeman’s wife, get out and do something the superhero cycle will be complete.
Once Eragon gets himself together, he remained conscious this time, Oromis tells him to go sit on the stump and meditate. Eragon tries to clear his mind but he just can’t get Poker Face out of his head. It doesn’t help the Saphira keeps singing to him. ‘I want to hold ‘em like they do in Texas…’ ‘Stop it Saphira.’ ‘Luck and intuition play the cards with spades to start…’ ‘I’m ignoring you. I’m going to clear my head and focus on the world around me.’ ‘Can’t read my, poker face!’ ‘Fine! Fine, I’ll scrub the stench of elves off me before I next ride you! Are you happy!’ ‘A little.’
Still, the peaceful quality of his surroundings gradually ameliorated his resentment, confusion, and stubborn anger. It did not make him happy, but it did bring him a certain fatalistic acceptance. This is my lot in life, and I’d better get used to it because it’s not about to improve in the foreseeable future.
This is what Eragon thinks as he sits around. Oh, you’re right. How tragic. You’ve gained magic, an enchanted limousine that flies and breaths fire and become the last great hope of everything. Man, life is sure unfair. That guy with fly bitten eyelids who can’t move because he hasn’t eaten in a week doesn’t know how good he’s got it.
Eragon finally focuses on the damn ants again. I get it Chris, you played SimAnt for hours on end and got so attached that you cried every time you lost. I don’t give a three bean salad about ants. You’re wasting my life with every dull diversion. When you and I meet in hell I will have a special torture prepared for you. I’ll have Otis read Twilight over and over at you. Don’t worry though, you’ll get to read Eragon to her during breaks.
They talk. Eragon asks why he trains like this. Oromis asks him what the easiest way to take out the Varden is. Nice non sequitur there Chris. Eragon says that he’d train some magicians and have them infiltrate the Varden to poison their wells and sabotage them. Really, that’s the easiest way? Were I Gabby I’d ride my dragon overhead and rain fireballs down on the city. Then again, I’ve always been a bit more pragmatic than someone building a Megatryoshka.
Finally we get to the bloody point. Eragon is being trained to open his mind so he can scan people’s thoughts with ease. Eragon asks if it’s an invasion of privacy to which Oromis says ‘sure but it’s all for the greater good so who cares?’ If Gabby had such a cavalier attitude we’d hear all about the abuse of magic and trust. If Eragon does it though well, it’s for the greater good, after all.
Oromis tells Eragon the most important tool he can have is logic. Another guest appearance by Leonard Nimoy, ladies and gentlemen. In order to teach Eragon “logic” he’s enrolling him in the debate club. He starts by making Eragon explain his reason for fighting. I’m having flashbacks to any number of shonen animes.
The sudden change of topic caught Eragon off guard. He had a feeling that Oromis had just reached the subject that he had been driving toward all along. “As I said before, to help those who suffer from Galbatorix’s rule and, to a lesser extent, for personal vengeance.”
“Then you fight for humanitarian reasons?”
He said he’s fighting for everyone and Oromis’s response was ‘humanitarian reasons’. That’s curious because I figured in a world where human’s are the late comers, such words wouldn’t even exist! Think before you write, damn it Chris! Are you next going to describe something as robotic? Go ahead, slip a few more anachronisms in there while you’re at it like Reaganomics or McMansion.
Oromis argues that fighting Gabby will cause pain and suffering. Especially considering that most people in the empire are just regular folks who don’t really care. Eragon gets mad and replies that he’s clearly evil and doesn’t Oromis agree. Oromis gives up on Eragon and tells him to think on it. I bet right now Oromis is wishing Saphira had hatched for someone else like Sam the Shade.
The next chapter details them doing the dishes. Oh no. My PTTS, post traumatic Twilight syndrome, is acting up again. I need something good to read or at least mediocre. I’ll take a John Grisham novel at this point just please don’t make me read about dishes ever again! Aghel blaggle!
Okay, I’m better now. Oromis tries to teach Eragon words but Eragon wants to learn more magic. Why, when you can just swing your enchanted sword at the problem and make it go away? Being as Oromis is the teacher he tells Eragon that his curriculum is designed for a reason. Or he goes ‘you’re right, why not skip the boring intro I had planned out? After all, I’m only the expert here but you’re the author avatar.’
Oromis explains that magic is thinking which is why Eragon is so bad at it. He says he’ll show Eragon some advanced techniques like how to kill with less energy that it takes to move a pinky and how to absorb energy from his surroundings.
They dick around with some magic and Eragon gets impatient because he doesn’t want to waste time on the fundamentals. Oromis does something to keep him in place and tells Eragon to free himself. When he does Oromis told him he did it wrong.
Apparently Chris’s magic works in a retarded way. Using absolute terms like ‘knock that wall down’ or ‘turn Arya into my sex slave’ which only allow one outcome means Eragon would drain his energy until it worked or he died. By the way, Oromis says that absolutes have two outcomes but success and failure aren’t equivalent when failure means death.
Oromis and him just sit and watch the sunset for awhile after. Oromis tells Eragon he’s to go practice his swordsmanship with the other elves from now on. He claims Eragon is as good a swordsman as he’s ever met. Of course, Eragon can forget words and how to read but never will his swordplay get rusty for he must be the best.
Saphira acts kittenish with Glaedr and everyone tells her to stop. Eragon chastises her and then they go inside. Arya shows up and drags him to see some stupid gardens. Unfortunately Rick Moranis has been raising a man eating plant that consumes both Eragon and Arya. Saphira bravely soldiers on without them, making the story that much more interesting. Or they stare at plants and art. Yes, art. In a garden.
They saw many great works of art, from fairths and paintings to sculptures and radiant mosaics of stained glass—all based on the curved shapes of plants and animals.
Really? How does all that fit with elf culture? For one, paintings don’t do that well in moist environments like Fern Gully, I mean Ellesmeria. Secondly why do the elves sculpt? Quarrying stone changes the landscape and destroys vegetation and these are the stock hippie elves that cry whenever a tree falls over. Aren’t they all about living as one with the land? Oh but they have to have art because they’re advanced.
Eragon compares Arya to a flower and then gets ashamed when she doesn’t seem to take his compliment ‘seriously’. Saphira then chastises him under the pretense that Arya’s out of his league.
‘She’s much older than you, Eragon.’ ‘Right, is that what this is really about Saphira?’ ‘I’m only trying to look out for you.’ ‘Is that so? Is that why you sent me that horrible smell earlier?’ ‘Maybe.’ ‘I felt like I was going to throw up everything I ever ate.’ ‘It wasn’t that bad.’ ‘It was like a donkey that had waded through a cesspool, got sick all over itself and died while the summer sun beat down on it’s bloated, rotting corpse.’ ‘Now you know what elves smell like.’ ‘They do not smell like that!’ ‘You’re right, they’re far worse. Plus they have oily hair that only comes in two colors, ugly and uglier.’
Eragon gets mad that Saphira dares suggest he’s not good enough for Arya. He’s the protagonist damn it. If he wants Arya he’ll get her, no matter what she wants. And is she suggesting that he’s too young? Yes, you are dummy. You’re practically a baby to Arya. Saphira reassures him though.
No, not a child. Not after what you have seen and done since we were joined. But you are young, even by the reckoning of your short-lived race—much less by that of the dwarves, dragons, and elves.
Yes, Eragon. After all that you’ve done you can’t be called a child. Let’s recount your deeds. You’ve gotten a far better person killed, stabbed a few redshirts to death, and spent ungodly amounts of time dicking your way towards your next destination. Which of those qualify you to be an adult? It sure as hell isn’t the pages of whining you’ve done so far.
They go back to his tree house so he can take down the ‘no girls allowed’ sign. There he hears a noise and draws his sword. Surely this is the most logical response. It’s not like anyone’s ever barged into your room before, Eragon.
Orik blinked his round, deep-set eyes at Eragon. “I’ve not sheen you round my leafy exile, no I haven’t. You’ve abandoned me to the company of elves… and misherable, dull company they are, yesh indeed.”
Isn’t it cute how Chris thinks he knows how drunk people sound? You know Chris, not all drunks slur but those that do slur more than on their eshes. The ems and etches ge’ shofter an’ show do dey dees an gees an’ da tees. So Eragon has a drunken Orik wandering about the property. I can’t wait to read the headline. Dwarf’s life cut short by tall Medium.
Eragon pretends to be worried about Orik. Saphira actually gives a damn and asks why he’s drunk. She, of course, understands when he says that’s he bored and sick of being surrounded by these stupid elves. She asks, through Eragon of course, if he doesn’t have a hobby. He says smithing but what use do the elves have of arms. Well, they use them to eat, dress themselves and generally act superior to everyone else.
Saphira had closed her eyes a while ago. Without opening them, she asked, Are you married, Orik? The question surprised Eragon; he had never stopped to wonder about Orik’s personal life.
That’s Eragon in a nutshell. He just straight don’t give a damn about anyone else. ‘Man, this sucks. I’ll never learn magic at this rate.’ ‘Ugh, gurgle!’ ‘I mean, it’s not fair. Just because I’m not an elf they think I should take it slow!’ ‘..elp, ghurck! Splat.’ ‘Damn it Orik, getting stabbed by an errant magic vine doesn’t mean you get to hijack the conversation, you unfeeling bastard!’ ‘…lease…help…gakkk!’
Yes, he’s married to one in his own clan. Orik tries to explain to Eragon that he lives in a world of giants that stomp around his. It’s a moment of almost perspective that get’s blown off when Eragon tells him to crash at his place. He doesn’t want Orik falling down the stairs and killing himself. What would the elves say?
I predict this turning into Eragon learns that he fights to protect the one he loves.
even though the one he loves is more capable of protecting herself than he is,in theory.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and he’ll decide he just likes violence. Or, yeah, more likely he’ll be fighting to protect Arya. It’s certainly not to protect the normal humans as they are scum, fit only to make loam beneath the elves’ dainty feet.
Hey Vivisector, the Ra’zac are coming home! Let’s see how they did on Project Destroy Otis!
Me: Sergeant Scruffles! Chompers! How did it go?
Ra’zac: Who are you talking to…?
Me: You, of course! Vivisector helped me pick out names for you.
Sergeant Scruffles: Oh…right…(Note to sssself, kill thisss “Vivissssector” guy)
Me: Now tell me about the mission, Chompers! Is Otis reduces to a lot of bloody chunks? 🙂
Chompers: Er, no. Not really. We didn’t even get insssside her housssse.
Me: What?!? What happened?!?
Sergeant Scruffles: Her defensssesss were better than expected.
Chompers: There were thessse…. human femalessss everywhere around the neighborhood. Jusssst everywhere.
Sergeant Scruffles: Mosssstly early adolesssscentsss with ssssome older, fatter women. They were all ssssworn to protect Otisss.
Me: Were the old women sexually frustrated?
Chompers: We don’t even know what that looksss like when it comessss to humanssss.
Me: Fine. Were they saying anything about, um, “Bella”? Or “Edward”?
Sergeant Scruffles: Yesss. Mossstly by chanting.
The little girlssss jussst ssswarmed usss and we ate them, but the big fat onesss were carrying weaponsss.
Me: OH NO! Are you hurt???
Sergeant Scruffles: Well, we did get ssshot…
Me: Aaaaah! *faints*
Chompers: Did you have to sssay that?
Sergeant Scruffles: Well, I did!
*Later* We’ll have to try again, Vivisector. 😦
Indeed. One day Otis will fall. Hopefully down an open elevator shaft in a poetic bit of justice.