Eldest Chapters 35 & 36

These chapters are called ‘a maze of opposition’ and ‘hanging by a thread’.

Great, yet another character. Now we’re with Nasuada. No doubt we’ll sit around as she tells the Varden to stay put and keep hiding. ‘Remember, absolutely nothing must happen. The first man I see trying to make something happen will be drawn, quartered and slow roasted with a honey sauce.’ ‘Can we at least prepare for war? Like, sharpen our swords or oil our chain mail?’ ‘No! We must be taken completely unawares should someone attack us!’

Nasuada crossed her arms without bothering to conceal her impatience as she examined the two men before her.

Wait, how can you conceal your impatience while crossing your arms? Isn’t that why she crossed her arms, because she’s impatient? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say ‘Nasuada crossed her arms as she examined the two men before her.’ and just trust that I can infer impatience? That’d be like telling me that the ground was solid and unforgiving or that the air was windy and blustery.

Nasuada(god I hate typing that name)is in the middle of arbitration between two men in a scene borrowed from any of a million books where someone is put in charge and they’re learning that being the boss ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Off the top of my head I’m only dredging up Perrin from the Wheel of Time but I’m sure you’ve got your own examples.

Of course this begs the question as to why Nasuada is handling this. One guy owned chickens the other killed them for food. That’s pretty straight forward to me. Having the leader of the freaking Varden handle this is like having Obama preside over the People’s Court. There are more important things she could be doing.

Chris beats us about the head with a thesaurus again using embrasure and barbican in the same sentence. Look Chris, I’ve read a few books written by authors that know a thing or two about real castle design. They don’t use those words because they’re not pretentious pricks. Do it again you bloody hack and I swear I will deep fry your thesaurus and feed it to you a page at a time.

Nasuada wanders to a laboratory and talks with the mad scientist, prince Orrin. Yes, we have a mad scientist in a fantasy novel complete with random explosions because god forbid science ever be anything but full of explosions and singed eyebrow hair. If that’s not happening then how do you know there’s science going on? Trick question. Without those trappings there isn’t science going on.

They shoot the breeze about the empire. Supposedly there’s higher taxes and the king is commandeering horses and oxen. I guess all that talk about Gabby’s iron fist is exactly that, just a rumor that floats around. Is he going to attack or defend? Who cares? Either way he’s the bad guy so whatever he does will surely be the most evil thing ever done in the history of the world.

Nasuada wants more money from Orrin, who might be king but I’m not sure, to feed the Varden. Orrin says no and Nasuada gets angry and storms away. I think we’re supposed to feel for Nasuada but I can’t. I mean, did she not think that might be a problem? ‘Well, time to move the whole army of the Varden to somewhere else.’ ‘But that means we’ll be abandoning our farms and food. Is that really a good idea?’ ‘Oh, you worry wart. I’m sure there’s a drive through on the way there.’

The next chapter opens with Nasuada throwing a tantrum. She spilled something on her dress as she was leaving and it ruined her sleeve. She starts whining how she has nothing to appear in court with now. Her maid offers to fix up her linen dress in a fashionable manner but Nasuada continues to pout.

I can just picture Chris trying to write for Nasuada. ‘Hmm. Let’s see. She’s a girl so she’s probably always thinking about her period or something and probably about clothes and stuff.’ ‘Hey honey, heard you were writing. Did you need any help?’ ‘No mom. I’m just trying to write from a female perspective.’ ‘Well, if you had any questions…’ ‘No mom, I don’t need help. I’m a professional writer now. Gawd!’

Nasuada cries when she accidentally cuts some lace. Then she has an idea. Apparently because lace takes so long to make it’s valuable. She decides to ask Trianna, the sorceress, about trying to make lace using magic. I was right, it’s turning into the bloody sonic screwdriver.

It’s a good thing that lace will stay expensive so that way when Nasuada floods the market she can run a war on the profits. It’s also a good thing everybody has all this money sitting around with nothing to spend it on. Here I thought Gabby’s taxes were sitting on the chest of the commoner and mushroom slapping them to death.

While the maid goes and gets Trianna, Nasuada complains about magic users. She doesn’t trust them because ho do you impose laws on them when they have ways of getting around things? Wait, so it’s okay that the elves are all magic users but a few humans are and suddenly we’ve got to start thinking up ways to keep them on a leash?

How amusing. A society where magic use is allowed or not based on the shape of your ears. Remember riders get a pass because they get pointed ears. All the rest of us dirty humans are relegated to a lower caste among all societies if we dare to touch magic.

Nasuada tells Trianna she will learn to make lace with magic now. She also orders her to make the rest of the Round Ears crew to work on magic that’s useful for the Varden. Yes, because that’s how it works. Someone tells you to make something useful and you just do it, without any direction to go in just do something useful. Don’t you dare produce anything that doesn’t have an immediate and useful application or else.

And I’m amused at how quickly Nasuada goes from not trusting the magicians to telling them what to do. I guess she trusts them as long as she can yell at them. It’s a good thing they’ve never figured out how to make a timed explosive which they can teleport into a room. You didn’t hear the clink of something metal landing on stone, did you Nasuada?