So I’m looking over the chapter titles and I want to make a prediction. I won’t spoil the names for you but when I get to each you can glance back and check up on this to see how right or wrong I was, should you care.
This chapter will be all about dicking around. The ‘twins’ will do something rude and Eragon will look good for stopping it. Also, he might end up helping heal Arya because the poison is just too much to handle for the healers. Oh wait, Angela will be involved with healing but because Eragon asks her for help. I know I’m hedging my bets a little there but bear with me.
The next chapter will be about Arya having Eragon do something to prove he’s really a rider. It will be a challenge that should make him question his worthiness but won’t because he’s just too perfect. Also he’ll awkwardly flirt with her.
After that the Urgals will decide that camping outside their enemy stronghold is too great a temptation and attack. Apparently just before this they were all sitting around playing canasta and waiting for the signal from the big metal hand in the sky. There will be much preparation culminating in Eragon getting armored up and ready for battle.
In the second to last the fight between some Uruks and the Varden will take place. Sam the Shade will make a cameo, he’ll dance onto the stage, tapping his cane and flourishing his grand top hat, while making a nuisance of himself. Eragon will kill him and then battle will be over quickly. If Murtagh is really lucky he’ll get a chance to join in battle and redeem himself to the Varden, at least slightly.
The last one will be Eragon acting torn up about the dead and swearing he’ll get Gabby for that and Brom’s death. There’ll probably be an award ceremony and dispensing of accolades. Possibly even one for Saphira! In spite of the fact that she’s not really a character.
There, crappy predictions made. I’ll see how I did for this chapter. This one is called ‘hall of the mountain king’. I like to imagine that song playing on loop in a maniacal, trap filled labyrinth while Chris is forced to navigate it. It’d start small, with ankle high spikes and slides that deposit him into a cage where he’s gassed and put back at the start and finish off with exploding balloons filled with razor blades falling from the ceiling.
Eragon gets back and there’s a dwarf waiting for him. Just some generic, plaited beard wearing dwarf of no consequence who tells him a generic, plaited beard wearing dwarf of minor consequence is waiting for him. Spahira jumps down to him with Za’roc held in one paw.
She tilted her head. Wear it. You are a Rider and should bear a Rider’s sword. Zar’roc may have a bloody history, but that should not shape your actions. Forge a new history for it, and carry it with pride.
Chris makes a very valid point here. That objects are allowed to have an ugly past as long as they’re cool enough and in possession of the hero. People though are ugly, tainted things that have no chance at redemption. The sins of the parents stain the soul of the children and the only solution is a cleansing fire.
Eragon meets up with Orik who makes him run to the king of the dwarves. Apparently they don’t book appointments with any flex time so anyone who’s late makes those waiting behind them even later. They dash through the halls, knocking over tray bearing waiters on their way to Eragon’s audience which is going to have do something about faith.
Once they entered Tronjheim’s central chamber, Orik led the way to one of the two descending stairways that flanked the opposite hall. They started down the right-hand staircase, which gently curved inward until it faced the direction they had come from. The other stairway merged with theirs to form a broad cascade of dimly lit steps that ended, after a hundred feet, before two granite doors. A seven-pointed crown was carved across both doors.
Thank goodness Chris was willing to clear that part up. I was going to write a fanfiction where they took the wrong staircase and fell into a lava pit. But now Chris has made the right one cannon and I can’t change it to the wrong one or even the left.
Inside the throne room are seven dwarves waiting for him. Luckily Dopey was given a plastic ceremonial axe or Eragon would be missing a few toes by now. Eragon steps up to the throne with Saphira and offers a cursory bow.
The dwarf king says ‘no, don’t bother on my account. Who am I but king of the dwarves and old enough to have lived when there were more riders, you know. Forty years old.’ ‘Er, well I…’ ‘Nah, I’m just messin’, Eragon is it? So, you came all the way to Tronjheim, what’s up?’
“For now, Saphira and I merely want to recuperate in Tronjheim,” Eragon replied. “We are not here to cause trouble, only to find sanctuary from the dangers we’ve faced for many months. Ajihad may send us to the elves, but until he does, we have no wish to leave.”
It seems the breakneck pace of adventuring is just too much for poor old Eragon. Somebody get the guy a mug of hot coco and a blanket so he can get some rest. We don’t want the poor boy straining anything, what with the big battle of the book coming up.
What dangers has he faced again? A couple of Urgal encounters, one with soldiers, and a couple with two Ra’zac. The biggest danger I’ve seen is the risk of concussion each time he gets a head injury. I can’t say I’m really moved by a hero who’s career risks are equivalent to that of a hockey player. Speaking of which, I think this story would be better if Eragon were replaced with Mario Lemieux. At least then somebody would get their skull cracked with a hockey stick.
Dwarf king wants to know if all Rag wants is safety. He says, ‘well, uh, I guess I could like help people and stuff’. Then he wants to know what Saphira wants which is to have the earth stained red with the blood of her enemies, namely Gabby. Apparently Saphira prays to Krom.
Eragon says he won’t take over as king. Dwarf says the riders time has passed. Dwarf king is displeased by Za’roc and Murtagh. He reveals Orik is related to him and then he dismisses the two. Saphira goes back to ‘meet’ somebody and Eragon lunches with Orik.
They go to the library and Eragon paws through the books looking for interracial dating advice. Luckily dwarven books are all written in English. Being as all the books are about boring things like history and stupid numbers, Eragon wanders off looking for Orik. And runs into the ‘Twins’ who ‘mock’ him by offering homage to him. Eragon turns passive aggressive and does the same to them.
They offer him membership in their Magic Club and he doesn’t even have to supply his own rabbit or top hat. Eragon gets mad, saying he won’t give them the words of power Brom taught him. But I thought magic was simply the ‘ancient language’? Do they not know much of it? Couldn’t they just learn it by hanging around him and listening when he casts spells?
They retreat and say Eragon had better had the right answer for them tomorrow. Eragon wander back to the dragon hold and Aji’s daughter is waiting for him. She says Aji wants to speak with him. Eragon asks if she walked up all the stairs to tell him that. No, she took the pulley system up.
For a second I was going to assume that she used the stairs. It’s a good thing Chris has the foresight to stall any fan arguments before they start. She leaves and Eragon asks Saphira if she’s talking with Solemn Bum. Yes and Angela won’t be back until after tomorrow.
Eragon decides he’ll have to visit Murtagh before he talks to the ‘Twins’. That’ll be tomorrow though. It’s a good idea to let your ‘friend’ stew alone in a cell for at least another day before asking his help. You also might want to remind him how it’s your fault he’s there and that you didn’t bother protesting Murtagh’s unfair imprisonment, Eragon.
*Singing about Eragon*
He dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dicks through the land the whole day through,
He dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dicks, it’s what he likes to do!
Chris: It ain’t no trick
To kill trees quick
When your frickin’ books are thicker than a brick
And your mind
(And your mind)
And your mind
(And your mind)
Has how many brain cells?
German guy: KEEIIIN!!!!!
Minor Characters: He’s a dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick from early morn ’till night,
He’s a dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick, ruins everything in sight!
Murtagh: Got twenty brain cells, not much more
Saphira: I don’t wanna carry him anymore
Together: We’re not sure what he’s the hero for,
He’s a dick-dick-dick-a-dick-dick!
Eragon: *Sees Arya* Hi, ho!
And there was much rejoicing.
Having Arya kill Eragon would have done double duty as it would have made it better and prevented an unnecessary trilogy.
When Eragon walked in, Dopey nearly took off his toes with a plastic axe, Bashful was embarassed that Dopey did that, Sneezy created a hurricane force wind with a sneeze that blew Saphira into a tree next to Charlie Brown’s kite again, and Grumpy said something along the lines of “I’m warnin’ ye, give the dumb kid an inch and he’ll walk all over ya!” which immediately prompts Chris to write him as a villain.
(Occasional rudeness is the DEFINITION of pure evil, dontcha know!)
With his newfound villainy, Grumpy used his REAL ceremonial axe to behead Eragon. With Saphira stuck in a tree dozens of miles away and Murtagh in prison, there were no more competent people to bail soiled-diapered Eragon out of danger, other than the other dwarfs (but they thought Grumpy was justified), and his head rolled away, and there was much rejoicing.
Doc pronounced him dead on the spot. Sleepy was bored with the whole proceedings and took a cat nap.
And that’s why Grumpy is my favorite.
I’m sorry, but these chapters are too boring, I wish I was up to date at this point, so I can tell you to sum them up in a single post, but I’m too late…