Eragon Chapter Forty Eight

Alright, Chris. You’d better tell us what kind of Dark Past® Murtagh has pretty soon here. I’m sick of him whining like Eragon(Nobody understands me!) at the slightest provocation. If he keeps telling us how he’s been hunted and persecuted I’m going to stab him with a shrimp fork.

Besides, I just want to go ahead and get my disappointment over with now. I mean, even if Murtagh has some reason to wail on and on it will come out and be totally lame. Like it turns out he’s the second coming of Thoraxia, the dark baker of legend, according to the loaf shaped birthmark on his back. He’s reputedly going to drown the world in enchantment filled muffins which are delicious but lead to instant heart disease. The only cure is his high fiber bread which must be eaten daily. He will rise up and knead the populace into a homogenous mass and bake them in the fires of change at three fifty degrees for fifteen minutes or until golden brown, remembering to grease the pan beforehand.

Ok, that would be better than Chris. No, Chris will have Murtagh’s dark past be something like he’s half Urgal or his mom totally made out with Galbatorix once. Oh, maybe Gabby is his godfather. ‘Never once have you invited me to your birthday parties, offered me a slice of chocolate cake which you know to be my favorite. And now, you come to me and ask for a favor on this, the day of my daughter’s wedding?’

This chapter is called ‘flight through the valley’. It makes me wonder if Sahpira ever acts as a sort of tourguide and captain while they’re flying along. Kerchk ‘Uh, this is your captain speaking, uhhhh. If you look to you left you’ll see the Beor mountain range, uhh, they’re the largest in Alagaësia reaching an unspecified height that’s pretty impressive according to stories. To your right is land doesn’t belong to anyone and directly ahead of us it the, uhhhhhhh, conveniently not too well hidden home of the Varden. We’ll be landing in about fifteen minutes. Please make sure your elves are stowed properly because it would be terrible if I did a barrel roll and she fell hundreds of feet to her death on the sharp rocks below. Thank you for flying Blue Dragon Skies.’

Eragon takes to the skies with the princess and Saphira. Both of them have a mid air conversation. Saphira claims she’d kill every slaver if they weren’t busy. Why a dragon gives a flying rat about what humans do to each other is beyond me. It’s not like it’s her species that such practices reflect poorly on. Oh, and Eragon protests how it was wrong that Murtagh killed an unarmed man.

You know what that means? Murtagh has done more personally to Eragon than Galbatorix ever has and makes a much better antagonist. Put him on the freaking throne and give him the armor with black spikes. Maybe he’ll do something interesting with it rather than just lounge about out of sight.

So an interesting note, the Urgals are faster on foot than Murtagh on horseback. They’ve been gaining on them consistently. Oh, and the princess won’t last much longer. For some arbitrary reason, her stamina meter has stated draining fast and nothing can keep it full. Once it’s empty her HP will start dropping and then it’s game over. She doesn’t have nearly the constitution to survive a drain debuff combo for more than three, maybe four turns.

Murtagh does the “you go on ahead, I’ve got this” and sends Eragon onward. Without hesitation they take off and leave him behind. Or they stick together well into the next day and Eragon says he’ll leave if they aren’t close by noon.

Late in the morning, after they circumnavigated an especially broad mountain, Eragon saw a narrow valley tucked against its far side. The valley was so restricted it could easily be overlooked. The Beartooth River, which Arya had mentioned, flowed out of it and looped carelessly across the land. He smiled with relief; that was where they needed to go.

Really? Circumnavigate? Has Eragon turned into a Spanish explorer, determined to see the world? Nice dragon, Magellan. I don’t think that word means what you think it does. Circumnavigating is when you go all the way around. If they did that to a mountain, they’d end up where they started. ‘Gee this looks familiar, Saphira.’ ‘Yes, that’s because it’s where we started circling the mountain.’ ‘Crap! We went in a circle?’ ‘You said to circumnavigate the mountain. I figured you knew what you were doing. It’s not like you ask my opinion anyway.’

They attempt to fly up to a mountain peak to take a look around. It’s cold and the air is thin. By the time Eragon passes out the mountains are still miles up. Miles? Why don’t you give us some scale already? And where does this take place, on freaking mars? Does Chris even understand how big mountains can be? Has he ever stood at the foot of a mountain that ‘merely’ peaks at two miles above sea level?

A mountain that’s more than that, especially when you’ve already been flying upwards for awhile, would be impossible. I mean, the stratosphere is only about seven miles thick. If you had a five mile high mountain, you’re up to where there’s no air for anything. Not to mention that it would be a nightmare to live around. Is this where the Varden hang out? No wonder they don’t do anything, they can’t hardly breathe let alone stage an effective revolt.

Saphira drops altitude and wakes the idiot up. Eragon comes to and wonders why they can’t breathe up there but maybe they could use that against another rider. Because there are just so many of them for you to fight. The whole one that still exists. It would be a boon if he showed up and did something. Hell, I’d settle for him taunting commander tard and taking off.

They take a look at the Urgals running behind them. They’re apparently larger than regular Urgals. Oh, so they’re Uruk-hai. I’ll just be sitting in the corner waiting until Saruman shows up. Eragon slows them down by casting Wall of Fog and feels tired.

Eragon lay limply on Saphira, panting. Only now did he remember Brom saying, “Magic is affected by distance, just like an arrow or a spear. If you try to lift or move something a mile away, it’ll take more energy than if you were closer.” I won’t forget that again, he thought grimly.

Nice retcon. Eragon gets back and tells Murtagh about the big Urgals. Murtagh calls them Kull and stains his trousers brown. Eragon tries to slow the Uruk down more by dropping rocks on them from Saphira’s back. They do this until late in the afternoon. I guess Arya’s life isn’t really that pressing of a matter after all. It’s more of an optional side quest for bonus experience.

This part goes on so long I almost wonder if Chris wasn’t hoping this would get turned into a game, complete with rock hurling quick time event. Press X to hurl rocks, left to dodge and circle to dive. Oh, noes! It’s the critics! Press L1 to plagiarize from something people like far more!

And suddenly, after night has fallen, Eragon sees a waterfall. All while riding Saphira and dropping rocks on them. Could that be the waterfall that indicates the Varden are there? If there’s water falling from a height then it’s definitely a waterfall, Eragon. There are more than one in the world, at least I hope so. That would be kind of a dead giveaway if the Varden picked the most obvious landmark in all the land to hide next to.

‘Sire, unfortunately the Varden soldier chose to chew his tongue off rather than talk. However, I found this map on his person.’ ‘Very good, Sam. It seems to have mountains on it. That could be anywhere in the land! We have so many mountains that dwarves are more numerous than rats!’ ‘Ah, but notice the drawing of the waterfall? There’s only one of them in the whole world.’ ‘Oh, come on Sam. What idiot would hide near the most unique landmark in Alagaësia?’

Murtagh freaks out because the Urgals are coming, trapping them between the Varden. Now he can either run towards the Orcs or to the Varden and deal with his Dark Past®. They have another lover’s spat and finally Eragon has to know what’s been wedge in Murtagh’s backside since that gas station in Kansas, aside from the trucker herpes of course.

The chapter closes with a bombshell. Not new information, a literal bombshell. The Germans have begun shelling Alagaësia. Or Murtagh says he’s the son of Morzan, the big name among the ‘forsworn’. Don’t worry, I only knew that because Chris told us in the same sentence. It seems even he knew that no one would remember.