Eragon Chapter Thirty One

This chapter is called ‘master of the blade’. Hmm, Eragon isn’t good enough to use a sword so what is Chris implying? I think it has something to do with tissues and sobbing in a corner while looking over erotic woodcuts. What? I’m saying that the version of Alegaësia’s National Geographic makes Eragon sad. So very, very sad.

Eragon tells Brom al about the girl he saw in his dreams. ‘Well, Eragon. It’s perfectly normal for a boy your age to dream about a pretty girl. She’s probably a representation of your longstanding sexual repression.’ ‘But I know she’s real and needs our help. Wait a second, why am I on a couch? And how did we end up in this office.’ ‘Don’t worry about it, Eragon. I want you to relax and try to forget.’ ‘Ow!’ ‘Don’t mind the needle sticking into your arm, just drift away…’

Brom believes Eragon without question, rather than assume he is making things up. Because it’s not like Eragon would lie about his magical prowess in the hopes he could impress his master after screwing up so colossally that, a century later, they’ll still say ‘pulling an Eragon’ when someone messes up.

“Not very clearly. The lighting was bad, yet I could tell that she was beautiful. It’s strange; I didn’t have any problem seeing her eyes. And she did look at me.”

So a character in a medieval world refers to it as ‘lighting’ do they? Next he’ll tell us how the shadows are so hard to capture right if you don’t adjust shutter speed with the aid of a light meter. Wouldn’t he just say something like ‘it was too dark’ or ‘she was wrapped in shadows’ or some equally inane fantasy jabber? No, clearly the lighting was bad. Time to go Christian Bale all over some poor gaffer, Eragon.

They train and Eragon gets as good at using his left hand as his right. Saphira takes Eragon swimming. Yes, dragon’s can fly underwater. Just roll with it because it’s awesome and don’t wonder why that works. It does, however, demonstrate another of Eragon’s failings. He can’t hold his breath as long as Saphira. And he’s the hero because? Oh, right. Because he can master the sword in less than a year.

Brom shook his head. “I can teach you nothing more of the sword. Of all the fighters I’ve met, only three of them could have defeated me like that, and I doubt any of them could have done it with their left hand.” He smiled ruefully. “I may not be as young as I used to be, but I can tell that you’re a talented and rare swordsman.”

First off, as a southpaw, I take offense to the lefthand remark. Secondly, Chris needs to stop patting his character on the back every five seconds. I know you love your avatar but come on already.

Oh, Brom mentions that the Ra’zac and elves wouldn’t lose so easily because they’re magic. In fact, Eragon would lose to them because they’re stronger than nature intended. Uh huh. There are ways to beat them though, just not using what Eragon knows now. Yeah, pull a Galbatorix and kick them in the junk then stab them in the throat. You are winner.

Eragon wants to know how he can fight with magic. Well magic is slippery and often escapes even the most tenacious of grasp. You’re better off using a spear or a baited hook…I’m thinking fish again, aren’t I? Magic is the other thing, what with the skills Eragon doesn’t have but will easily acquire.

Brom tells him that Eragon is referring to a ‘wizard’s duel’. Is that where Wizard magazine squares off against Wizards of the Coast? No, apparently that’s where two magical idiots stand around trying to play it like Charles Manson and get in each other’s heads. That way they can anticipate any possible counter attack and live to avoid it. Brom tells him to run away if anyone tries to engage him in such a fight.

So, let’s see. Magic is the fantasy equivalent to old west pistol dueling, Eragon will have to fight a ‘wizard’s duel’ at some point and learning the sword is quick and easy. And still nothing more exciting than Eragon falling down and hurting himself has happened. Great writing, Chris. I bet there aren’t at least four people out there that deserved publication far more than him.