Eragon Wakes: 12
Perhaps I should change it to Eragon Passes Out? Anywho, this chapter is called ‘admonishments’. I’m presuming this is where Chris addresses all the critics and says ‘neener neener neener. I made money, suckas’.
Eragon stumbles out of an alley and I am ever grateful that we don’t know what he was doing in there. Though I suspect it was highly illegal in Yazuac county and unsavory to boot but Eragon had to get himself some magic points and that hobo was offering them at no monetary cost. Then he talks to a horse.
Great, now our hero is talking to animals. This was written when Chris was fifteen/sixteen, right around two thousand one. You know what else came out that year? Dr Doolittle Two. If this next chapter involves Eddie Murphy replacing all the characters save Eragon I’m going to trash the theater. Well, I’ll get a theater, screen the version of Eragon I fear which I will also have to make and then trash said theater.
Luckily an actor wishing he could reprise a familiar role in new territory has his hope crushed when Eragon goes back to ignoring the equine because who’d be interested in a talking horse?
Remember how Eragon passed out at the end of last chapter? He has the stalwart constitution of a grizzly bear on PCP. At least compared to Brom who has suffered a ‘deep cut’ on the arm that is bleeding a lot but not really.
There was a long, blood-soaked cut on the old man’s right arm. The wound bled profusely, but it was neither deep nor wide. Still, Eragon knew it had to be bound before Brom lost too much blood. He stroked Snowfire for a moment, then slid Brom out of the saddle. The weight proved too much for him, and Brom dropped heavily to the ground. Eragon was shocked by his own weakness.
Yes, Brom has a bad case of ‘superficial wound that will be alright once we get a bandage on it’ syndrome. Poor fella. He was far too young and brave to die from a light scratch on the arm. If only there were some way…what’s that Chris? He’s not going to die you say? Well with Eragon giving him first aid the odds aren’t really in his favor. Likely as not Brom will wake up missing an arm and part of goat’s face stitched to his own.
“What happened to my face?’ ‘Uh, the Urgals did it.’ ‘But they can’t be suffered to do needlework. Their hands are much too large and clumsy to…’ ‘Either Urgals did it or my dragon gets a troubadour for lunch, simple as that.’ ‘Damn those foul beasts!’
Saphira suddenly realizes something bad happened and comes swooping in like a scaly over protective mother. ‘Did they hurt you?’ ‘A little.’ ‘Oh my god, you’re bleeding!’ ‘It’s really nothing Saphira.’ ‘That’s it. Time to burn this mother down!’ She instantly calms down once he tells her he killed the Urgals already.
Saphira said gravely, You have grown.
Ok, that’s just ridiculous. Saphira, you’ve known Eragon for your entire life. All six months of it. That’d be like if you started complaining that things used to be good, back in the old days. You don’t have the experience to say it. Bad dragon, making your species look stupid.
Eragon bandages Brom and has Saphira carry him. Brom wakes up just enough to wonder what’s going on before he gets sent on his way. Eragon briefly wonders why there were only two Urgals. Was it part of a convenient plot device left in order to make him discover latent powers? No. That’d just be silly, he decided.
Eragon is suddenly thrilled that he can use magic, now he’s more like a fantasy Swiss Army knife. He has a magical mount, a magical sword, a bow and just straight up magic. Brom, knowing that Eragon wasn’t a competent enough shot to kill the Urgals because he read the first chapter, grills him.
As soon as they’re back at camp Brom has to know what went on. Eragon does the sulky teenage hang of his head and says “nothin’”. ‘You were playing with magic, weren’t you?’ ‘Well, it was just lying about like that loaded magnum you own.’
Apparently the word he used is ancient Elvish. All the words of power are just names of things and if you say it, stuff happens. Well, so long as you’ve got the mana for it. Luckily for Eragon he quaffs potions with breakfast so it all worked out.
Brom admits he can do magic but it get harder with age. Sometimes just once a day is enough to leave him feeling drained and weak. Oh but back in his younger days he could throw fireballs all day and night. Now he takes what he can get and enjoys it but he won’t mind tutoring Eragon.
With that settled they decide to go to sleep. And out of nowhere Saphira becomes a supervillain.
As they spread out their blankets, Saphira commented with satisfaction, We are becoming more powerful, Eragon, both of us. Soon no one will be able to stand in our way.
All that’s missing is a cackling laugh and an ominous peal of thunder.
So is his magic tied to his prostate? The harder it is for him to pee the harder it is to cast a spell.
Yes, and Brom is scared to get examined for fear that they’ll find he’s got cancer from all that ‘dragon dust’ exposure he had back in the sixties. Plus all the Elf-shot he did can’t have been good for him.