So I know that the aliens are supposed to be trusting and stupid for it. That’s partly how I know that Otis’s cliché aliens come from sources such as SyFy. Because if there’s one thing bad TV and movies have taught me is that aliens are always highly advance and extremely thick.
Sure they may manage interstellar travel and have thus conquered the barrier of space. And yeah, they may have technology that makes us appear to be just getting over banging rocks together. They are always devoid of the most vestigial common sense.
‘Hey, we’re on a planet where there are still hostiles. Should we guard the mothership?’ ‘Bob, you keep saying things like that and you’ll get demoted again.’ ‘But, these creatures are kind of intelligent. I can’t help but think they’ll abuse our honor system.’ ‘I’m going to have to report you Bob. It’s nothing personal you know but we can’t be thinking like that. It’d compromise everything.’
There’s just no way that these aliens haven’t encountered hostility before and taken measures against it. It’d be like wondering why you keep getting robbed and then refusing to put doors in those rectangular entryways you have. Sure you try draping sheets over your stuff and even putting up signs saying ‘do not take, please’ but putting up a barrier to prevent ingress? Sheer madness I say.
This chapter is called ‘separated’, which is what’s going to happen to the pages of this book when I rage quit and tear it apart. They will be torn asunder and cast to the winds to be scattered wherever fate lays them. Hopefully beneath an incontinent mule with a very small bladder.
So for no apparent reason, other than that Otis’s editor told her she needs to trim this crap down, she does a timeskip. We don’t have to sit through Eve and Jared sneaking about the hospital, spotting one of the cleaning crew, hiding in the shadows and watching as they go inside. Now they’re just back, which is fine overall but why bother now just when you’re getting verbose?
Have I mentioned how much I hate Eve? She worries over the silliest of things, most of which never come to pass. Like in this chapter she worries the ‘seeker’ will hear them driving back in the Jeep and know what they’re planning. How? Personally if I were an alien hostage I might assume the sound of a motor meant they were going to drag me through the desert until I’m little more than a bloody stump. Again, I’m a little more creative that Otis or her characters. Yet the constant whining of ‘oh, but what if X happens?’ is getting to me.
I have to suspect, at this point, that Otis herself is a worrier. And not the kind of reasonable cautious motherly type of worrier. More like the crazy kind where she warns her kids about crossing the street before being run over by Muad’Dib riding a sand worm down Main Street. ‘Mom, I heading out.’ ‘Did you take your shark repellent? You know those land sharks love to stalk soft bodied children in Arizona.’ ‘Yes mom.’
You want to hear something funny? They dragged ten ‘cyrotanks’ back through the cave and Eve said it was cool to beat them up because they’re made of some element unknown to us and they can take rough treatment. Okay, makes sense so far. If they’re supposed to survive deep space travel they might have to be rugged. But then I have to ask why they were crated up? Why not just make them stackable and leave them exposed? That’s a little like making something out of carbon nanotubes and then wrapping it in vinyl. Oh no, don’t let the nearly indestructible object get a little weathered.
Eve and Doc dance around Eve’s death like the elephant in the room. Jared pretends to be oblivious that way he can set off fireworks when she’s not looking. Jared also agrees to make sure that no one kills any of the aliens. By that I mean he’s going to stomp on them, torch the bodies and laugh maniacally while they burn, burn, BURN! Ah ha ha ha haaaaa, fire!
Jared goes and moves the Jeep while Eve and Jackie Otis have a discussion. Apparently Jackie Otis thinks she can stop Eve from dying by pretending to go away. Ah, she’s sad because soon she’ll have her life and body back. Wait, what? Jackie Otis says she’ll do what it takes to keep Eve there. Oh my, so many twists and turns. How ever will I keep up?
Jared comes back with the main cast of characters, including an unconscious HK. They get to work knocking out the alien inside, using alien drugs of course, and cutting her open like a package. Oh, Eve’s too squeamish to do it thus Doc gets a moment to truly shine. He slashes at her like the Green River killer, expertly deboning her in less time than it takes to dice the onions.
Jared opens a ‘cryotank’ and they wait to make a cut. Dear god this is getting stretched out thinner than Gumby through a mangle. At least it means we get this gem.
“How does it work? What’s the power source?”
I sighed. “I knew the answers when I was a Spider. I don’t understand it now. Doc, you can go ahead. I’m ready.”
Oh sure, now she hand waves things. ‘How does that work Stephanie?’ ‘I don’t know. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of a moron.’ ‘I figured that’s why your clothes are on backwards.’ ‘Yes, and why I’m about to drive this three inch, rusty carpentry nail into my thigh.’
Eve finds some special nub to rub on the alien that makes it relax and go limp. Uh, are you sure you want it that way Otis? No, I’m not going there. Oh and Eve feels ‘maternal love’ for the ‘seeker’. Something I already established the aliens hold no truck with in the first place.
Eve slam dunks the alien in the tank from the three point line. Boosh, nothing but net. The Boston Bugs win the game and secure their way into the playoffs. Eve notices that Jeb, Jared and Doc have all been dragged kicking and screaming to her side by the author. The only one she needs now is Ian. Why? Because she says so. Argue and you will receive electric shocks to your ears for your impertinence.
“Well, it feels good to have my head back,” she said in a loud, clear voice. “Thanks.”
You know what that is? The final line from this chapter as given by HK’s old host. Yes, apparently the humans will wake up like Dorothy from the land of Oz. ‘You were there, and you and you. Only you were kind of a dick and you sucked at everything and you were functionally retarded…’
Vivisector's Writ 