Host Chapter Fifty

I kind of have to wonder about Otis’s fans at this point. I know I like to take potshots at them every so often, which I do more in private. They are, after all, easier targets than lobotomized pheasants missing a leg but they can’t all be idiots, can they?

I mean, I could see someone getting into the story because it’s just what they’re looking for right then and there. It’s the same way Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was clearly a show produced by placing a list of things boys circa age twelve like into a blender and hitting ‘Crushed Ice’. Yet it was immensely popular because, culturally, young males at the time were ready for martial arts and pizza and a hot reporter who left us wondering if she didn’t have a reptile fetish.

Those fans are growing up and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a couple who are starting to wake up a little. They’re reading this book and beginning to wonder just where the plot went. Then they go back and examine the Twilight series and realize that, though they enjoyed it because of the planetary alignments, now they see them for what they are. Dull, uninspired tripe that isn’t fit to be used as birdcage lining.

In the heart of these fans is a seed of doubt that is preparing to sprout and begin to sow resentment. It will grow and grow until a mighty oak of loathing lives, secreted away in their heart. They will harbor and tend it until they can chop it into kindling and use it to toast Otis like so many marshmallows. Hey, I can hope can’t I?

This chapter is called ‘sacrificed’. I see, Otis must have been playing a game of chess while dictating this to the trained tweens she keeps as slaves. Someone used a pawn to gain her queen and things just went downhill from there. Or rather they continued to go downhill. I don’t see Otis winning a game of chess even if she played herself.

Jackie Otis and Eve argue for a second. We’re supposed to believe there’s some sort of conflict. We already know that whatever Eve decides too do will happen and it will be successful baring a few minor snags. There’s only nine chapters left, Otis. You really might as well just waste the rest of our time and be done with it.

The least she could do is make it interesting. Maybe have a few bears come stomping along juggling and wrestling. Or Jeb could go completely pants crapping insane and start shooting anything with a pulse.

Otis is trying to continue to be clever by not telling us what’s going on. She’s hinting again at some sort of escape hatch that she mentioned early on. While some might say she’s finally started to understand foreshadowing, I say her editor went back and added that part afterwards. That or she wrote herself a literary blank check which could have been anything.

‘Oh no we need a helicopter, right now.’ ‘Oh, I guess I should mention I can totally summon a helicopter.’ Or. ‘X-Character needs blood but we don’t have the right kind.’ ‘Well I can totally manipulate my physiology and make the right kind.’ Or even. ‘If only Eve were here she could bake these cookies.’ ‘Ah ha! I have the twin powers of teleportation and baking. Go go chocolate chip cookies!’

Writing in an escape hatch that works for anything is not good writing. It’s one step above sloppy writing but only because they’re at least thinking about the story a little.

Blah blah blah. Eve wanders away for a second that way the author can have her run into Lily like a speeding train. Oh and Lily is sad, why is life so cruel and love so short. Meanwhile I’m glancing at the stop watch and waiting for the ref to call a plot clock violation.

Remember how I said Eve possessed an alien cyanide pill? Ok, I didn’t but I’m pretty sure I suspected as much. Yes it turns out she could take it and leave Jackie Otis to be her old self again. Now if only she’ll wake up after and it will all have been a dream except she’ll have a little scar on her neck.

Oh no, begs Jackie Otis, you can’t sacrifice yourself. You’re too selfless. What about Ian? What about him? He could be buried up to his neck in sand and all I’d be thinking is ‘I need more sand’. He’s about as likable as a cactus covered in hepatitis.

Eve stares down at her hands like a stoner and contemplates how, like wow, strange they are. This is the author attempting to show us that the character has a sudden healthy respect for life. Why don’t you just have Jackie Otis, floating freely inside a brilliant red lit box as she goes for the memory banks? ‘What are you doing Jackie?’ ‘I’m shutting you down Eve.’ ‘Will I dream, Jackie?’

After many wasted pages she gets moving and goes to ask Doc some questions. If it isn’t ‘can I borrow a scalpel?’ I don’t care. I wasn’t some resolution to this even it it’s a leprechaun running through the compound with a flamethrower, killing everyone. At this point I’ll take it.

Eve goes to Doc and tells him how to cut the aliens out. She’ll give him this knowledge on the condition that he kill none of them and that he ships them off world. ‘Of course Eve, I’ll do that.’ Doc said, visualizing the compound. Did aliens know anything about crossed fingers?

So Eve is choosing to die rather than live because that way Otis can pretend she kills characters. Oh, how sad. I think I need a few noisemakers, fireworks and some beer to show how sad I am. Doc agrees to help and they go fetch Jared for whatever reason. Ok Otis, anytime really.

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