Host Chapter Thirty Seven

When Otis decided to ‘explain’ how the Crunchies bred, I wanted to put it under the knife like I do everything else when I had a second to think about it. Let’s start off with the aliens sexes’ shall we? Why do they have two? If the ‘mothers’ simply choose to split apart then what purpose is there in having multiple sexes? At best they would be a number of asexual creatures all capable of breeding. More likely there would be a hierarchy similar to insects, that is if you absolutely have to have two sexes.

Next we have the claim that ‘every cell’ becomes a new bug. No freaking way. Where do these cells get the mass and nutrients to grow? It works but in a way Otis wouldn’t approve of. If they did this while inside a host and the cells consumed them like a cancer then it would work. I don’t think Otis had that in mind when she said that.

Also what the hell is with the maternal instinct that Eve displayed earlier? Someone asked if she could decided to breed, which according to Otis she could, would they have a mess of Crunchies crawling around to which Eve gets all teary eyed at the thought of helpless babies lying around. Again, that’s an instinct that creatures who look after their young would feel.

Being as these aliens aren’t around to parent their young they have no need to feel for them. They might feel protective because that would be multiple versions of themselves but I see the other aliens feeling threatened by the offspring of others. As each alien would be capable of becoming a colony in and of themselves there’d be stiff competition for food and resources.

Then there’s the whole altruism bit that made bile come out my nose as I was simultaneously laughing and throwing up. Pain or not if each of the new bugs gets the memories of the parent, I’m refusing to acknowledge that there’s two sexes for these aliens, then they’re immortal. Breeding would be close to a surefire way to ensure that you live on for eternity. There would be bloodlines dedicated to spreading themselves across the universe trying to rule by sheer numbers alone. They would be competing for bodies which would be commodities compared to the number of bugs in the galaxy.

Looking at it that way the humans are right to be naturally repulsed. Choosing to fight and die is far better than becoming an incubator for some aliens.

This chapter is called wanted and I hope it’s referring to the wanted poster of Eve that’s scattered across the globe at the moment. Wanted, shot through the spine and left to be picked over by vultures. Reaward: The end of this god-awful story.

The soccer games continue on as Otis attempts to draw it out longer than the world cup. The only thing missing is the constant drone of douchebags and their vuvuzelas. Between the two I’m not sure who deserves the hail of meteors most. I think I’ll split the difference and kill ‘em both.

Ian is of course awesome at sports. I think that’s how Otis signals to us which character she wants to end up boning her protagonist. Is he dull and stupid? Check. Can he make his eyes burn? Check. Can he play some sort of sport with unmatchable skill? Check.  Why he was even the first to ‘break the rules’ which makes him a little of the maverick too. Otis has gotta be using a checklist to make these people.

And what’s with the pointless sports anyway? I’m guessing it’s the only thing Otis knows that regular people do. ‘Hmm, what do normal people do for fun?’ ‘Uh, have sex?’ ‘I don’t think that’s right.’ ‘Uh, have a beer?’ ‘Ugh, never. Beer is gross.’ ‘Well when people can’t have sex and can’t drink, I think they play soccer.’

Suddenly Ian and Jared are at her sides trying to take her every which way. They both have a grip on her hands and are vaguely threatening to one another. ‘She’s hungry, I’m taking her to the mess hall.’ ‘No, she’s tired. I’m taking her to my room.’ How about Eve says what she’d like and then does that?

Where some people would call this sexist, I call it retarded fantasy. I’d bet a solid dollar that no one got into a fist fight over the privilege to take her to the cafeteria. She wishes deep down that more than one man had ever paid attention to her other than to tell her to get her and her kids out of the way damn it.

Being the immature idiots these meat puppets are, they walk alongside her to her room. Eve complains about a lance to the heart when Jared stops touching her, boo hoo, boo hoo. Somebody get the bug a teddy bear and tuck her in for the night. They go to Ian’s old room and, oh my, wherever will Ian stay now? How about on top of Eve?

Eve lays down and pretends to sleep so she can eavesdrop on Ian and Jared talking. The scene plays out so familiarly that I was half expecting Victoria to make a cameo appearance. It’s good that people only talk about others near them where they could hear when it’s important for the protagonists ego.

They talk and recap the kissing scene between Jared and Eve. Jared said it was an experiment just as Eve guessed it was. Hurrah, Eve was right and Jared was acting completely out of character even for a sociopath who can’t understand why public masturbation is wrong.

This goes on until uncle Jeb bursts into the room. The Alzheimer’s disease has finally manifested itself in more than just forgetting where he left the bullets. Jeb is reliving the Korean war and has mistaken Ian, Jared and Eve for communists trying to regain the thirty eight parallel. He empties his rifle into their bodies and then goes on to wipe out the remainder of free humanity.

Jared leaves and Ian realizes Eve was shamming. Then he asks her what does she think? Wait, you mean besides the complete nothing? I’m sure she’s flattered no doubt.

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