Host Chapter Thirty Six

So I have a better question this time. Why is it that the only painkiller that features in any of Otis’s work is morphine? Nobody ever gets anything like oxycodone or even hydrocodone compounds it’s always straight to the morphine which is more of a general anesthetic. That is to say it’s one of those they normally use to knock people out for surgery and try to wean them off as soon as possible to prevent addiction. Not to mention that just because someone is a doctor doesn’t mean they’re automatically qualified to give anesthesia to patients.

You know what I think? I think Otis has a little morphine addiction and this is her subtle cry for help. Well, subtle for her. Of course this means she’s living the life of an uncontrollable addict. We’ll have to euthanize her by giving her heavy doses of mercury. It’s the only humane thing we can do at this point, death would be a release for her.

Or perhaps that’s the only way you can enjoy this stuff. All of the fans are secretly injecting illicit smack between their toes before cracking open these books and the repeat morphine references are a silent nod to the fans. That would be one hell of a success secret and it would explain a whole lot.

This chapter is called ‘believed’ and it’s either a long diatribe delivered by the Duchovny about the truth being out there or it’s about pot stickers. As in ‘who would have believed you could still buy pot stickers from the store after the alien invasion?’.

Had you not been reminded this was an Otis brand novel that’s just a thinly veiled clone of Twilight, here’s another reminder. Our favorite characters are going to play with a ball because nothing quickens the blood like a game that requires taut narration unavailable to the author. Everyone’s excited because Jared brought back new soccer ball, being the thoughtful bastard that he is, because the old one broke.

They sound off like children in a school yard and pick Jeeve of course. They set up the goal ‘posts’ using lanterns. That’s good to know, for a second I was trying to imagine what they could use to mark boundries. Here I was assuming a couple piles of rock or gummy bears. Thank you, Otis, for filling in that detail.

Jared let’s Jeeve sit this game out though and makes small talk with her. Ah, isn’t it great that he’s ready to have a facehugger wrapped around his windpipe so he can join her in replacing the human race?

Being true to form Otis has Jeeve go over things we already know. HK only made a vague looming appearance for no reason and Eve loves Jamie because Jackie Otis does. We know all this Oits, we were there for all of it. Every redundant word earns you another five seconds trapped in an industrial microwave along with the cast of the Jersey Shore. Right now you’re up to four hours and change. Want to go for five?

Eddie, I mean Jared, tells Bella, I mean Eve, how he knows she can’t lie but he’s so good he can do it to himself. Well Jared, maybe she’s so good at lying you’d never know it until she rammed her pincers in your neck to lay her eggs which will paralyze you until they hatch, at which point they will feast on your succulent flesh like so much roast beef.

Jared also asks how the ‘connection’ between them works. Well, it’s a bit technical Jared but it involves a the semi-permeable membrane that coats the legs of the Crunchies allowing them to pass the…oh, now I see. Basically Jackie Otis is suffering from I have no mouth and I must scream syndrome.

What Jared really wants to know is, if he sleeps with Eve will it be counted as cheating? I mean, it’s still the same body and all and it’s not like Eve doesn’t have some feelings for him anyway. Besides, what’s the worst that could happen? Well she could rip out his skull and add it to her trophy belt after skinning and hanging him from the tallest tree in the forest.

Jeeve is just so happy that Jared is interested in her again. And, gawd, like, how dare Sharon and Maggie glare at her. Sharon’s just jealous because Eve’s not a hoebag and Maggie is just old so who cares about her opinion? And, like, that Ian guy keeps looking at her and frowning. OMG does he like, maybe like, like her and junk?

They play some soccer, Eve sits out because she’s completely useless with anything more complex than a cactus, other people go get snacks. This is starting to sound like the schedule for a daycare rather than a survivor’s outpost. Are they going to have a half hour of quiet time next?

Kyle wanders in and says he’s not sorry for what he did but now he owes her a lifedebt. As such if she wishes to go cavorting around the galaxy as a smuggler, she can have his bowcaster any time. Eve she didn’t do it because she liked him but because she’s not like him. But wait! We’ve got some breaking news, Otis. Nobody cares!

This chapter closes with Kyle leaving and Eve wondering if he’s lying. That makes all of these pages little more than a bunch of packing peanuts with the miniscule plot buried at the bottom. It’s good to know that if Otis shipped her story somewhere it would arrive safe and undamaged.

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Chapter Thirty Seven>>