Host Chapter Thirty Three

So over thirty chapters in and Otis has finally decided that something has to happen. I have a feeling this was added after a conversation with the editor, one of many that she has.

‘Uh, I hate to ask this Stephanie but why do the people like Eve again?’ ‘Cause she tells stories liek me and dats why deh liek her.’ ‘Uh huh. You know people don’t really like you for that right?’ ‘What you say?’ ‘Somebody set you up the failure, namely yourself. There has to be a credible reason for people to trust the alien.’

I’m getting the impression that Kyle will come around and become Eve’s best friend while Jared shall remain a douche. The superficial reason will be because Eve saved his life. The real reason is because the author really really realllly wants Eve and Ian to end up together and doesn’t want any kind of tension between them. Especially the kind that would be present during the holidays if Eve let Kyle fall to his death.

This chapter calls itself doubted. Yes, I doubted I would be able to choke back the bile long enough to get this far Otis. Luckily my keyboard is coated in Teflon for when it gets far too sickening.

Out of nowhere comes Ian and he’s got a gun. Wait, don’t tell me Otis, he woke up and found Kyle gone and immediately suspected something was wrong. Because no one has ever gotten up early and had to use the bathroom. The only reason someone wakes up before everyone else is because they’ve got people to kill.

He dropped to all fours and scuttled to me, his eyes burning in the light of dawn.

Well there we have it, one of the last bits needed to complete our Otis bingo card, burning eyes. Why do all these people have burning eyes? I don’t normally question metaphors but when they show up that often it starts sticking in the brain. It’s like repeating the same word over and over until it starts to sound weird in your ears. Eventually you start picturing a man with flames coming out of the twin holes where his eyes once were while screaming. ‘Oh dear god, why Otis! It burns!’

Otis apparently allowed Ian to collect a pair of brain cells before shipping him off to retard camp as it only takes him a couple of paragraphs to figure out what went on. She tries to pretend it was nothing because Eve is just so wonderful and doesn’t want anything bad to happen to Kyle. Ian is willing to see Kyle executed because he’s just so human and therefore brutal. It’s not like a real brother would feel conflicted between his feelings of brotherly love and anger that his love interest might have gotten hurt.

They’re off to see Doc, the wonderful Doc of the desert. Because, because because…of all the wonderful nothing he does. Ian keeps asking stupid questions like how she got hurt and how her clothes got wet. Uh, duh. Earth to I-tard, Earth to I-tard, come in I-tard. You’ve already figured this out, speculating after the fact makes you seem like a bigger jackass than before. Now walk into the piano wire I have strung up about the cave you moron.

Jeb shows up as well and says Ian must have been right. What the hell were they doing beforehand, playing Parcheesi? ‘Well, I guess one of us have better go save Eve from Kyle.’ ‘Yup.’ ‘Yup.’ ‘Hey, why is everyone looking at me?’ ‘You’re the one that’s looking to date the alien.’ ‘You just say that because you’re tired of losing.’

Doc tugged my shirt up, and I heard both Ian and Jared hiss at what they saw.

Yes, both Ian and Jared hiss when they see breasts for they are the natural enemy of all snakes. That’s the only way to scare off Coral Snakes, well endowed women have to run at them topless. That’s the real reason so many women flash people at Mardi Gras, in honor of Saint Bambi who drove the snakes from New Orleans armed with nothing but her cleavage.

Yet again with the hissing. I’ve heard people do the opposite when they see injuries, that is a sharp intake of breath. Maybe that could be called hissing, fine let’s pretend it’s exactly the same for the sake of argument. Humans make other sounds Otis! We don’t just walk around hissing and giving each other burning looks. Remember gasping, sighing, or sobbing? Remember laughter Otis? There seemed to be so much more of it before you thought you were an author.

Someone else handles bringing in Kyle. Ian tells Jared to watch Kyle because having Jeb shoot him would upset Eve. You know I’m starting to think Jeb hasn’t ever shot anything but no one knows any better. He once hit the ceiling but that was while he was aiming for Eve which she misconstrued as a warning shot. Jeb simply avoids firing the gun because then everyone will know what how incompetent he is.

Doc, who I’m beginning to think is an unlicensed idiot who just sat around watching a lot of House and ER before the invasion, looks at unconscious Kyle and just hrms a bit. Jeb pours a bottle of water on his face and he instantly wakes up. Nothing like trying to drown the man now that he’s away from the spring. Kyle does the whole ‘da floor, da alien, wait wha hoppen?’ routine before complaining that it didn’t die. Trust me Kyle, we’re both hoping for the same thing.

In the meantime Jeeve stands next to Jared and wishes he would touch her. This makes me think Jeeve is going to return to alien society as a subway groper. She’ll stalk the aisles looking for a big man and then give him a little squeeze before slipping away in the crowd. That would require that something start to happen though and we all know Otis can’t allow that.

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