Host Chapter Thirty Two

As I usually start these off with pertinent questions relating to the last chapter I thought I keep true to form. Today’s niggling question is the helicopter, why? Why, after weeks of absence, would HK finally get together the opportunity to go searching for Jeeve with a chopper? How did that discussion go back at alien HQ?

‘I said no, we’re not looking for her with a helicopter.’ ‘Please please please. I just really want to find her body.’ ‘Look, they’re all being used to ferry buckets of unicorn laughter over to the east coast and that stuff is very delicate. Only helicopters are suitable for such a task.’ ‘Well how about in a few weeks?’ ‘You mean when the odds of her body no longer being visible because of scavengers chewing on the remains are quite high? Sure, I don’t see why that would be a waste of resources.’

This chapter is called ambushed and I suppose that means a resurrected Steve Irwin is going to pop complete with alien camera crew entourage as he goes deep undercover in search for the wild human.

‘Oy, look at that bugger. These things once roamed free across the entire planet but now they’ve been reduced to a few scattered packs due to a reduction in natural habitat.’ ‘Hey, what the heck are those aliens doing over there?’ ‘I’m going in for a closer look now. I’ve got my medical team standing by in case they get violent.’ ‘Hey wait a minute, aren’t you supposed to be dead?’ ‘Uh oh, he’s getting feisty now.’ ‘Back off undead abomination, back I said.’ ‘Oh crickey! The little bugger stabbed me with a stingray! In the heart too!’

Jeeve wakes up, Jeeve goes for a bath, Jeeve washes her clothes. Laundry list exposition is one of Otis’s strong points I suppose. I wonder if no one told her that’s not how we like to read?

She runs into Kyle when she tries to leave after mistaking him for Ian. Jackie Otis tells Eve to grab a rock but she’s such a pacifist she just couldn’t do that. ‘Gosh, are you suggesting I protect myself? I need a man to do that for me!’

There’s a bit of a struggle. In spite of the bathing area being darker than the dark side of the moon, Kyle throws a rock and manages to ‘cripple’ Eve. By cripple I suppose she means she fell down rather than ending up in a wheel chair clutching a colostomy bag. It’s a good thing Kyle stole some of those Splinter Cell brand night vision goggles, only seventy nine ninety five with purchase of game. Some restrictions apply, see local dealer for details, offer void in Utah, Alaska and District of Columbia.

Eve screams, Kyle covers her mouth and then shoves her head in the water. For some reason he gives up on this and decides to drag her to the stream that goes back underground. She latches onto him and they continue to struggle, sort of.

Kyle hissed and stopped prying at my leg long enough to punch my side.

Again with the hissing. Is everyone in this universe part snake or something? Some sort of cracking happens, I presume the floor, and Kyle falls backwards. Luckily for Eve his skull is made of chicken wire and paper mache because he goes unconscious. Eve crawls away and instead of letting the floor give way and kill him, she pulls him to safety.

Or rather she tries to. Being as effective as a wedge of cheese at making rockets fly, Eve can’t manage. Of course now she starts to yell for help. Well there’s a plan that worked out so well for you in getting someone to peel him off you in the first place, surely now someone will respond to you yelling help.

‘Did you just hear a scream?’ ‘You know these old caves are chock full of all sorts of funny noises. You really shouldn’t worry so much.’ ‘Are you sure because that sounded like Jeeve.’ ‘Look, if she really needed assistance she’d shout something like “I could use a hand here” or “I’m being attacked by Ian’s brother Kyle, please don’t let me die”. Anything else is suspect.’ ‘Well I just heard her shout the word help, does that count?’ ‘Eh, I suppose we could go investigate.’

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