Host Chapter Thirty

This chapter is called abbreviated. I imagine that was one of the few ways Otis conceded to her editor that yes she wouldn’t make the book as long as she possibly could. ‘Well I suppose I could refer to a doctor as an MD and I could use ASAP rather than spelling it out every time. I’ll even allow CPA, CEO, FBI, TSA, DRM, ATM, MP3, QOS, PhD, and SQL. Other than that I’m using as many words as possible.’

Jared gets extremely awkward, mostly because there is a woman crying and he’d rather be in the other room. ‘Uh, I was totally not making out with you because you’re helpless Jackie, in case you’re in there. I mean, it’s just she looks just like you and she probably knows that thing I like…’

Eve continues to cry and Jared apologizes. Wow this must be rather reminiscent of Jackie Otis’s first time. Like the mature and grown woman that she possesses, Eve holds her breath and bites her lip. This is to distract her from the emotional pain which doesn’t work because it just hurts so much and nobody understands her, gawd! Leave her alone while she updates her facebook status to ‘Tortured Soul’.

Jackie Otis must have the constitution of a blown glass elephant because she bruised herself running to the other side of the room. She’s trying to figure out how she’ll explain that these bruises are self inflicted. There’s always the tired ran into a door scenario. Personally I’d say she should attribute them to Jared anyway.

‘Gosh durn it Eve, what did you done do to yourself?’ ‘What the bruises? Jared gave them to me.’ ‘Why I’ll hogtie that cottin pickin’ son of a donkey wrangler and leave him for human jerky in the desert.’ ‘Oh no, it wasn’t like that. See Jared likes to do this thing called the Jackhammer.’ ‘Pardon?’ ‘Well we were having sex and Jackie Otis suggested we try his favorite position…’ ‘Whoa, more than I needed to know.’ ‘It’s really quite pleasant if you have the neck strength for it.’ ‘ I can’t hear you, la la la!’ ‘and then I’m holding onto his ankles while he…’ ‘Not listening! Tra la fa la blah!’

And how long was I supposed to hold this position? I didn’t want to make any noise, but it felt like my spine was going to snap in a minute. The pain got more difficult to bear every second. I wouldn’t be able to bear it in silence for long. Already, a whimper was rising in my throat.

And shortly after.

“Ung,” I grunted, pushing against stone and cardboard as I shoved myself backward.

See, I write these as I read the chapter and that came up just after I wrote the last exchange there. I about died when I read those lines because, when taken out of context, it comes across as hilarious. Well, whenever Jared is done plowing Eve like a tractor maybe we can get on with this.

There’s a ripple in Jeeve’s harmony. Eve is miffed that Jackie Otis is miffed that Jared kissed her. To be honest what else was he going to do? If he were Kano maybe he could rip Eve out like the world’s quickest discectomy guaranteed to fascinate the twelve year olds in all of us.

I mean, let’s be serious for a moment. This guy was, for whatever reasons, in love with Jackie Otis. She’s basically the last woman on earth and she was attractive, single and unencumbered when Jared met her. So it’s no surprise to find out he was deeply attached. Then a stranger comes back wearing her face. But remember, Jared is the douche in this equation. Not Eve.

Jackie Otis is taking some pleasure in Eve’s pain, the damned vicious human. Okay, Eve. She’s just enjoying a little schadenfreude not rubbing a cheese grater over your face. Someone needs to teach this alien the difference between vicious and just being mean. ‘Hello Eve, I’d like to play a game.’

Eve resorts to her favored strategy for dealing with life, she goes to sleep. She wakes up confused, she meets Jamie at the door. He saved her some food because apparently in this colony of limited supply they don’t bother saving the excess. He offers her some and she says she only wants bread. Jamie has this to say.

“Let it go, Wanda. Ian says you’re too self-sacrificing for your own good.”

Yes because the alien has sacrificed everything. Except Eve hasn’t given up the body and let Jackie Otis go back to Jared and Jamie. Nor has she shared anything with the humans like general population, weaknesses or scientific theories which could lead to the development of weapons or better tech. Yes, Eve is quite the martyr. I’ll be the first to ask for her canonization when she dies.

Eve pities herself a bit, eats and goes back to ‘teaching’. She considers getting a haircut. Some people give her foul looks and life goes on. Oh and ol’ Walt is finally dying of the cancer. This way Eve can witness death firsthand and pretend to learn something profound from it. I wonder if he’ll have some dying words for her? ‘Don’t eat the green sardines. *Hack*’

Yup, for it seems Walter has been asking for Eve. Maybe he’s just a really dirty old man who’s going to angle for a bedside grope? They walk to the medical bay which takes a lot of pointless conversation to get there.

What happens when they do? Walter calls Eve Gladys. Wow, Otis is going to use the deathbed wisdom scene that’s been in the public domain since nineteen eleven. Go crazy you wild and controversial author Otis.

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