The light was finally fading outside the windows. The day, hot for March, had lingered on and on, as if reluctant to end and set me free.
Oh yes. Because it’s the day’s fault that you’re trapped in hell. Not a sadistic author who can’t give you more than two dimensions. This chapter is called followed and I suppose it’s one of the more accurate chapter names in the book. It’s followed by another chapter but in the best Otis tradition it goes nowhere fast.
Eve and Comfo sit around discussion the best possible solution. Does she keep counseling or does she try medication? Shouldn’t she seriously consider aborting the whole host fiasco? No, she’s going to keep it because that’s the moral thing to do.
Comfo asks Eve if she has any friends. Eve’s all ‘Huh? What are these, how do you say, friundes?’ Just like Bella, Eve isn’t much for having friends or a social life or even a couple of casual acquaintances that are willing to share a beer after work. I don’t think it helps that none of Otis’s characters like to do anything that the rest of us do.
Seriously, what hobbies do any of her characters have? Survival against silly odds, reading crappy books over and over and being pretentious. Then the Comfo mentions hardcore banging might do Eve a world of good.
Now I won’t disagree but we all know it won’t happen. Otis can’t let that happen because Eve isn’t married and *gasp* it would be a sin. We can’t have that. Why our alien protagonist might go to hell and wouldn’t that suck.
Comfo suggests that maybe they’ll find Jared soon so she can bang him if it makes her feel better. That shouldn’t be too hard, just search every Subway in the southwest. No doubt you’ll find him gorging himself on a BMT and crying. Or maybe you should just look for the tent made out of his fat jeans that’s he’s pitched out in the wild.
Eve gets mad and the Comfo has to back away slowly while asking Eve to put down the broken beer bottle she’s holding. No one gets to ruin Jared but Jackie Otis or maybe the Meyer herself.
Eve feels slightly nauseous as she leaves the Comfo’s office. The sickness comes in waves as she realizes just how boring the rest of her short life is going to be. Interesting experiences will be supplanted with long days of moping and complaining. It’s time to break out the ennui flicks and start smoking long, mentholated cigarettes kid. ‘For what purpose do we invade the planets? To what end do we attempt to control? All lives are without meaning in the face of ultimate darkness. Damn, I’m almost out of coffee.’
She runs into the Seeker just as she throws up. Then she grabs the Seeker and starts shaking her by the collar. ‘Get off my plane! Mister Anderson! I want answers! You moved the stones but not the bodies! I’m Kick-ass!’
The Seeker is unable to take so many pop culture references and explodes form the sheer silliness. Eve is traumatized by the splatters of blood and steps in front of a moving bus. The story should be over but the healer pops out of nowhere, lays hands and Eve gets back up miraculously fixed and we continue on as if nothing happened.
Apparently the aliens don’t know anything about human physiology which is funny consider all of them are in human bodies. The Seeker keeps trying to guess what’s wrong with Eve. ‘Are you sick? Do you have the flu?’ ‘No I’m fine.’ ‘Was it something I ate?’ ‘How would that even make sense?’ ‘Do you have a stomach ulcer? Is it cancer? Oh my god, you have cancer don’t you?’ ‘No really, I was just sick of life.’ ‘Someone call an ambulance this woman has cancer!’
The two banter about the e-mail Eve sent earlier. Eve gets a sort of vision about turns and curves and switchbacks. It must bean something but what? Ah ha! It means she once used a GPS navigation system purchased from her favorite online superstore GetLost.com! With over a hundred different GPS units they’re the largest online retailer specializing in finding your way. Check their page every Monday for special deals on software, hardware and flacidware. Or she knows where Jamie and Jared are.
The Seeker and Eve banter more. ‘Are you sure you’re not feeling just a little human?’ ‘No.’ ‘Are you sure? Not even the teensiest bit?’ ‘I said no.’ ‘Oh come on, pretend to be feeling sympathetic to the humans. I’ll be your best friend.’
So let’s analyze the story so far. Aliens invade, some humans resist. This alien gets stuffed into a woman that jumped down an elevator shaft and now she needs counseling. Yup, I can see why Stephanie Meyer gets to be a multiple New York time bestselling author.
Vivisector's Writ 