So the first memory Eve came across was in the form of a dream. Sound familiar? I’m guessing that will be the theme from here on out. Eve will go to bed, relive Jackie Otis’s memories and the story will advance will all the grace and poise of a drunken, one legged donkey.
Like an after school special, this chapter begins at the counselor’s office. Otis calls her a comforter but just going by the description she looks absolutely nothing like a blanket. Bad Otis. Making me use such terrible puns.
The two sit there and talk it out for a bit and add absolutely nothing to the story. ‘So how are you feeling today?’ ‘Well, I’m feeling okay.’ ‘Just okay?’ ‘I might be feeling a bit of a malaise.’ ‘A genuine malaise or more of a feigned malaise to get special attention.’ ‘I was thinking it was like being a bedspread teapan butter.’ ‘Um, excuse me?’ ‘Nevermind, it’s just this human has a bit of brain damage and wasn’t all that bright in the first place.’
And now we get to learn a little more about Eve. She’s currently a teacher, Otis approved womanly profession, and the comforter Kathy has a partner, Curt. He’s doing well, just recovering from his hip surgery. You know sometimes I think those doctors just don’t know what they’re doing. And Michael’s youngest was the only one that bothered to send Curt an e-mail wishing his best. One of these days we’re going to have to write most of the kids out of the will, those shiftless losers. Oh, and do you remember Karen? And blah blah blah.
Look Otis, nobody cares. Nobody, male or female, picked up your crap to imagine two women dishing over the latest gossip. Let me give you a tip as one hack to another. People don’t care about the mundane lives of your god-be-damned characters. Unless it’s related to the story, save it for a post on your blog or a letter to your fan’s wiki.
The comforter and her hubby have lived on earth since the invasion. Otis throws in another one of those cutesy details that hack sci-fi writers have beaten so hard it’s come back to life and died all over again. The comforter kept her human name because her alien one was too long and unpronounceable in human terms.
Okay, let’s stop and ask a simple question here. Why? These creatures can travel from, presumably, star to star in search of life bearing planets. They possess the technology to do so in a reasonable time frame and use their tech to dominate species. That’s the frame work that Otis has put in place, not me. So why are they so retarded as to have uselessly long names? Why would any aliens do that?
Where do these writers get that from anyway? I know most of them are just ripping off some trek episode they saw or another hack but come on. It’s not like humans are making our names longer as our civilization advances.
‘Oh my god honey, look at this headline.’ ‘Why it says we’ve managed to invent interstellar travel.’ ‘Yes, and it can be done within a couple of weeks.’ ‘You know what we should do to celebrate?’ ‘Give all of our children ridiculous names that take forever to say and even longer to write down?’ ‘Wow, it’s like you’re in my head.’
For a moment, the emerald irises glowed iridescent.
Yes, that’s Otis going back to one of her favorite words. And here I thought sparkling wouldn’t factor in this forsaken story. Apparently I’m an iridescent-eyed optimist who just can’t help but hope.
I just can’t wait for a vampire to walk into the story, almost fight the aliens but convince them to leave by talking to them in a reasonable tone of voice. All the while the heroine will be discovering how she can transmute tumors into gold and pulling babies out of thin air.
So the comforter was part of the initial invasion. That might have made an interesting story, faking being human while infiltrating. I might, heavy emphasis on the might, have wanted to read about it. As always, Otis screws that up and makes it a side note rather than the real story.
Oh and she has one more gem to give us through the meat puppet comforter. Aliens don’t get love and neither do humans. It’s just a mystery. I wonder if that will be the key to their undoing? Probably not, Otis can’t make that kind of commitment to her story.
More tired old Otis staples. Dreams, boring feelings, people gasping for no reason. I should be more angry at this but I’m not. It’s like all the worst parts of Twilight were brought along for the ride. The worst part is I don’t really care. I’m just worn out on seeing the same thing repackaged.
If Otis were just bad and not repetitive it wouldn’t suck so hard but no, she had to take both character flaws. I can tell you one thing. She didn’t put those extra points towards intelligence.
Eve is struggling with Jackie Otis. Both of them are so perfect and hateable it’s hard to know who to root for. Wait, I know. I’ll root for the intercontinental ballistic missile being launched from an underground bunker, staffed by the craziest lone human in the world. So long life on earth, alien or otherwise.
Eve goes on about not wanting to have Jackie Otis killed. The aliens are better than that and people suck. The two argue for a bit and then Eve remembers a Gatorade commercial that really inspired her and resolves to get a grip. What can I say? The aliens are easily manipulated by media.
What you don’t realize is when two women get together they have to gossip for a minimum of 27.8 minutes or else war is declared between their households. It’s a long honored tradition that dates back at least 3 millennia. If Otis hadn’t included that part I wouldn’t have been able to identify with the characters.
Ah, she had to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that her characters are stereotypical women.
What’s worse, Otis doing stereotypes or Otis being original? Remember, she did make it so vampires sparkle.
That’s quite a conundrum. It’s a bit like asking whether I’d prefer to be deep fried or burned at the stake.
I’d say deep fried. I’m sure you’d taste delicious. 😉