Host Chapter Four

We start this chapter off on a cheery note. Jackie Otis is out somewhere looking for food. Unfortunately all she can find is a couple of Jack in the Boxes. Distraught, she continues seeking out something more palatable like a bucket full of sawdust.

Jackie Otis is hungry but her son is more so. You know, the son she has and left in a cave. Jackie Otis is an incompetent new mother, wow that’s so familiar. I wonder if she left him some lead coated teddy bears to keep him company.

Jackie Otis spots an empty condo and thinks ‘how a bout a little B&E?’ She knows it belongs to a couple of old people too. It’s okay that she’s going to rob a pair of helpless senior citizens. No doubt she’ll jab a shiv into grandpa’s throat and repeat the process just as the horror of watching her husband die reaches grandma’s brain.

The blinds are open. The starlight is enough to see that the rooms are empty of movement. This couple goes for a spartan look, and I’m grateful.

I’m grateful too. That means there’s an open pit that Leonidas can kick Jackie Otis into while screaming at the top of his lungs. At the very least there will be a couple of slaves about which Jackie can kill to prove she’s ready.

Someone wanders in while Jackie is raiding the fridge. He mutters an oath when he sees her, in the dark. ‘On my soul, by Queen and country. I will eat those granola bars.’

She thinks he’s an alien and vice versa. There’s a lot of misunderstanding between as they keep calling one another a body snatcher. ‘I’m not an alien.’ ‘That’s just what you would say if you were.’ ‘That’s what I’d expect from one of them.’ ‘Very clever, trying to make me think you’re the suspicious one when I’m really suspicious.’ ‘Oh yeah, well I don’t trust anybody.’ ‘Yeah, well I don’t trust even myself.’ ‘Well that means you know you could be one of them.’ ‘Damn! You’re right.’

He feels the back of her neck and then looks in her eyes. Somehow he can tell she’s not an alien. Then he kisses her and she says she’s never been kissed. Okay, so dare I ask about Jamie? No wait, I can already tell. He’s someone else’s kid and Jackie saved him from being turned.

Jackie kicks him in the balls which seems rather extreme considering the circumstances. She runs away, he chases after. He tackles her and next thing you know he’s proving just how human he still is. By shining a flashlight into his eyes. Hmm, I don’t normally see people blinding themselves to prove anything but I could be wrong.

Of course, Otis could tell us how that proves anything but at this point she hadn’t yet figured out what the sign was. She was probably mulling over whether or not to make the aliens eyes golden.

‘You already used that one, Stephanie.’ Said her editor. ‘Did I?’ Stephanie wondered, unable to recall. ‘Then how about red?’ ‘That too.’ Came the reply. ‘Black?’ Otis asked. ‘And even black.’ The editor said.

Stephanie hummed to herself as she thought hard to herself, her eyes screwed tightly shut to block out any distractions. Suddenly her eyes popped open and she broke into a grin. ‘I know.’ She said. ‘How about gold?’

The editor planted one hand on her face and shook her head. ‘Let’s go over this again.’

Jackie, having the survival instincts of a cumquat goes ‘I don’t know if I can trust you. Well, why not.’ He tells her to stay put while he goes and gets more food for them. He says he follow her whether she likes it or not.

Let me bring up my checklist called How to Know the Book you are Reading was Penned by Stephanie Meyer. I’ve compiled a list of things that gives me the odds of how likely a novel was actually written by Otis.

Hmm, not written about vampires so minus a bit of points there. Ah, but we have terrible prose, weak metaphors and stupid heroine. All I need is one more…ah yes, now we have a stalker. Bingo! Also we find out Jamie is nine and her brother. Otis must have just remembered she should clear up some confusion before it hurts her fans.

Jared tells Jackie what to do and her heart goes thump. So the secret to love is domination? The message to guys here is very clear. If you want her to love you then make all her decisions for her. No matter how much she might resist at first, eventually she’ll like it.

Eve wakes up from the memory, safe and sound at the middle of the story. She sends off and e-mail letting the seeker know about Jackie’s brother. Jackie’s mind rebels but Eve exploits the character flaw of all Otis’s characters, the one that makes them helpless to obey a spoken command, and tells her to shut up.

<<Chapter Three

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8 Responses to Host Chapter Four

  1. Vanessa says:

    You forget about the other way to tell it’s a Stephenie Meyer book; is it at least 200 pages longer than it needs to be?

    • vivisector says:

      That’s the freespace on my Otis bingo card.

      • Vanessa says:

        Haha! Oh my god, I should make some for the next movie and my friends and I can see who wins. The key would be taking a shot after each one we mark off so we can make it through the rest of the movie.

  2. maeverin says:

    what is with Otis and these incompetent mothers? I think she has kids–should we call Child Protective Services just to be on the safe side?

  3. Lenore says:

    This sounds painfully stupid. I’m tempted to read it myself and see how horrible it really is, but I don’t want to be forced into gouging my eyes either…

  4. yES, tHEY ARE ALL HORRIBLE. says:

    Oh god, Stephenie Meyer just loves stalkers, doesn’t she.

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