Are we there yet & Chained

Are we there yet?

I’m sure loving this estranged relationship with Edward. We keep bantering back and forth like a couple of preadolescents. I know that might bore some people to hear about. All the ‘I like you, do you like me?’ and ‘No way, I didn’t think you liked me!’ and staring at one another through heavily lidded eyes. Sure we’re in high school and both of us are old enough to feel the tug of our hormones but we don’t, really. We haven’t even kissed yet.

Which is just fine by me. Who am I but a girl with low self esteem and a self loathing that can’t be controlled with a cocktail of medications? Sure it makes me feel like I’m not attractive enough to Vampie but this sexless, heck foreplayless relationship is fine. Just fine. I haven’t been searching for marital aids online for any reason other than curiosity.

The other day the Blacks—that is to say Jacob and his father Billy who are actually Indians, they live on a reservation and everything! I should ask them for some peyote—came over. I think they saw Eddie but Billy didn’t say anything about it.

I wonder if he believes those ridiculous stories. You know the ones about the ‘cold ones’ and ‘people of the wolf’ that are scoffed at by his son. I can’t imagine he would in spite of the fact that the part about vampires turned out to be true.

Well Vampie is going to wander off for awhile. He said he has to go ‘hunting’ with ‘Alice’ and won’t be around for a few days. He said if he’s going to be alone with me on Saturday then that’s just what’s going to happen.

“I’m going to be stuck with you in a car, alone, and I can read minds.” Edward said sourly. “Oh but not yours, you’re too different for that to happen. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather go with your friends to the dance?”

He is so nice in considering my friends and me. Of course I really don’t like my friends or anything. I’m actually not sure why we hang out. I guess it could be that if I don’t have losers around me I can’t feel good about myself. Not that I feel good about me anyway.

So Edward drove me to school today and then said he had to leave. On the upside he claimed he would bring my truck and leave the key in the ignition for me to drive home. How funny Vampie is! My key is at home in the pants I wore the last time I drove. Good luck getting into my house!

The walls are made of impenetrable three quarters plywood with a vinyl veneer. The doors are made of solid particle board held closed by a cheap set of locks that were on clearance because they could be picked with a plastic fork. I have a stuffed dog pointed at the door that I like to imagine it barks when people come close. I haven’t any neighbors that care who goes in or out of my home. And the windows, oh those are the trickiest measure of all! They’re well cleaned and lubricated and slide up and down without effort and they’re never latched! Just try and get past my home defenses Vampie. Just try.

Much to my surprise my truck was parked outside of school when I got out. There was a scrap of paper sitting on the seat which was odd. It was just a traced outline of a hand with the middle finger extended and a cross drawn inside it. Vampie must have been doodling.

Still I was curious if he drove over using a duplicate. I was relieved to see it was indeed my very own truck key. It even had the cross keychain that my mom gave me two years ago when she thought I needed something attached to my house keys. It was just something to weigh them down in my pocket to keep them from falling out—I’m so clumsy! Tee Hee!—and right then it was comforting to see it.

I was so anxious for the next day to get here—yippee!—that I couldn’t sleep. In order to knock myself out I put on some dull classical—Chopin—and took some cold medicine. I don’t normally advocate drug use unless it’s for a good cause. As long as I can come up with a flimsy excuse to do it then it’s a good cause.

So Eddie had me drive him out to the woods instead of Seattle. I know that sounds lame but wait till you hear about the hike. I kept thinking ‘Oh this godlike creature can’t be meant for me.’ as I followed him deeper in the woods. Even the bear and mountain lion spoor couldn’t ruin my mood.

We went far away from civilization, out until the woods broke into a meadow. And then Vampie stepped into the sun. For a moment I thought he had stepped into a rave and was wearing way too much body glitter. Then I realized that it was his skin that was sparkling like a thousand tiny gems were buried just below the surface.

Edward lay down on the grass and closed his eyes. He wasn’t sleeping—I remembered he said vampires don’t sleep—and was muttering to himself. I could only barely make out the words he was saying.

“Oh, this burns so bad.” Edward said. “I’m going to kill the author for this. Tie her legs to the back of Bella’s truck and drag her out into the woods for the bears to find.”

“You’re not afraid of me?” Edward asked at a normal volume.

I told him of course I wasn’t. I mean, how does looking like you crashed into a sequin factory make you more scary? If anything, it kind of takes the edge off my fear that he was a real vampire like in the movies.

Eddie then did some things to show off how awesome he is. He ran around the meadow in the blink of an eye. Then he broke off a huge branch and threw it against another tree. In another situation it would have been cool. To me it just looked like a tantrum. Then he told me how a vampires look and sound, even their smell, is all that way to drawn human in.

It was scent, he said, that drew him to me. Apparently I smell like his most favorite food of all time. It would be like going vegetarian for a significant other—who inexplicably hates meat eaters but you’re okay as long as you stop for them, damn you Craig—and then suddenly running into a BLT, extra bacon, while on a hunger strike. And the sandwich talks.

All it would be able to do is show me how delicious it is. The way it keeps opening itself up to show off all the juicy, thick cut, apple smoked bacon. The odor as it sits on a plate, warm and giving off smells of fresh tomato, crisp lettuce, generous mayo and a light honey oat bread. Aw great, now I’m hungry.

Which is how Edward must feel all the time around me. Maybe it’d help if I wore a scarf so he couldn’t see my neck? Yup, tomorrow I’m driving into town and buying a scarf and some neck warmers and ever a few ascots for summer. I will save Vampie from himself!

It’s okay that for awhile that Edward viewed me as just a diner for one with extra awesome sauce. I don’t mind being seen as a meal as long as I get attention. He says that now I’m the most important thing to him and that’s all that matter. It’s not like he’s saving me for a special occasion like a cake.

Kissing might have been a bad idea. For me it was great, like kissing a cold and implacable alabaster rock. Or is that not good? I don’t know because I’ve never been kissed before. Anyway, it seemed to get Vampie excited and he had to pull away prematurely. Either it reminded him how soft I was and how easy it would be to drink my blood or he needed some tissues to clean up a mess. Lucky for him I carry Kleenex in my pocket for just such occasions.

We went home together and Edward told me he was a little over a hundred years old. He thought I would be weirded out. Not at all. It’s just that he’s older than anyone in my family who’s alive. At this point he qualifies for social security and having his name read out on the evening news. I suppose that’s how come he doesn’t have to work.

Apparently he’s moved around a lot and pretended to be teenager along with his loose knit family. They once lived with another family but split because there were too many. I guess that many sparkly folks standing around looks suspicious to the average Joe. Oh, and he once met a bad family of vampires.

That is not to say that they are bad at being vampires—nothing like that could ever be because they are so perfect—I mean the other bad. They’re the kind that put on eye shadow and complain about being awesome and hunt humans for food. It’s a good thing they live far away and I won’t see them.


After some browbeating—which isn’t hard really, all I’ve got to do is threaten him with the ol’ harpy—Edward admitted he was spying on me. Apparently Otis told him he’d better get to stalking me like I do to him or else. I was so happy to hear that he watched me sleep every night! It makes all the footage I’ve taken of him not nearly as creepy.

In order for him to get over his desire to eat me like a potpie, I’ve told him to stay around all the time. That way my scent won’t bother him all the time. I told him he’d better not leave. He didn’t ask what I’d do but his eyes kept going to the flask of holy water I keep on my dresser. He knows how violent I could get if I wanted to.

While I sleep I apparently talk out loud. Edward told me so and he must think it’s great because he managed to suppress a grimace when he said it. I confessed my love to him while unconscious and that convinced me I had to say it while I was awake. He murmured those three little words which can mean so much.

“God, I hate you.” Eddie said. I would have gotten mad if it wasn’t vampire’s opposite day. Silly Edward.

Well, after one night of sexlessly being together, Eddie and I are together! I never thought I would land a guy, let alone an escaped surf model. I’ve already started planning out our wedding. I hope Vampie doesn’t mind if I make him wear leather pants with his tux. Anyway, now he wants to take me home to show off to his family.

There’s no reason to tell my dad that I’m seeing anyone now. Especially not now that I’m going to visit a “family” of vampires. It’s not like Eddie would use the wiles that are intrinsic to luring his food into his arms to bring home a snack to share with his relatives.

Have I mentioned that Vampie told me all vampires can have different powers? He can read minds, his sister Alice can see the future and the rest have, as of yet, undefined abilities beyond the super speed and super strength. Sure it may seem like they’re a bunch of X-Men that drink blood but I assure you they are nothing like the dorky comic book characters whatsoever…at all…end of discussion.

Oh by the way, most of his family loves me. How great that only one person doesn’t like me but she’ll come around, at least she’d better. If I have to cut off her head and stuff garlic in her mouth so help me god she won’t stand in my way. I’m with Edward and it’s going to be forever.

Alice, that goofy, girly vampire whom I’ve rarely spoken more than pleasantries with. She says that she sees some “visitors” that will be coming by. I assumed they might be greys or other extraterrestrials but Carlisle—Vampie’s daddy figure—assured me E.T.’s are just fiction. Thank god I’m thoroughly grounded in a world governed by logic!

So Vampie’s family is great, just great. I got to hear all about Carlisle and some of his past. Yawn! I mean, good god, who cares about some old vampire that’s hot but not my boyfriend? I sure as hell don’t. So I suffered Eddie telling me all about it as best I could. Oh and I learned that, at one time, Eddie ate people but they were all bad and he felt bad about it so it’s fine.

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2 Responses to Are we there yet & Chained

  1. Vanessa says:

    Thanks for posting this, it gave me something entertaining to read during work.

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