The Culs are now standing around freaking out because the worst thing they could ever imagine is about to happen. Now to be fair, they’re all supposed to be killed by the Blood Mafia. That would be reason to panic a little. On the other hand, they’ve had it too easy and I like to watch them squirm.
Alice is off on a trip with Johnny Depp and was supposed to be back around high tea. The Culs decide it’s a good time as any to get separated and go searching. Bella, keeping true to her selfish er self?, decides to abandon her daughter with the main party and go through the looking glass.
As they go traipsing off into the woods like children innocent of the fanged bears they run into Pack S. Sam says that he was supposed to wait and then hand off a note which Alice wrote on the pack of a page from ‘Merchant of Venice’. I don’t now why that detail was important unless Otis just wanted to remind us that she’s a snob.
Carl’s convinced that Alice and jasper have left them. ‘Yes! The cool people will live! What? Oh, sure sure. How tragic for Bella the rest. Sure.’ She reminds them to go get others because, without the supercouple, they’re totally boned.
Sam has suddenly decided he’ll fight against the Italians. Carl is as insincere in protesting as you’d expect. ‘No, please, don’t waste your lives.’ Carl said as he rolled his eyes. That’s my interpretation anyway. Sam says he’s fighting and they vamps try and persuade him.
Bella mopes about Alice leaving. Don’t worry, she’ll come back in the nick of time I’m sure. Both her and Jasper will burst through a door, guns blazing, grenades flying and fangs biting. The heroic John Williams score will play, Ed will quip lamely and the credits will roll.
Ed and Bella backtrack like their creator in the face of logic and find a trail that leads back to their love crypt. There’s another note, SURPRISE!, from Alice leaving an address and name in Seattle. What the hell Otis? You just couldn’t leave the tension alone for even five pages? Were you worried that your fans would just slam the book down in anger and hurl bricks at you if we weren’t immediately reassured that Alice didn’t leave the precious Cullens?
Bella’s the only one that reads it and she burns it. That’s because only she can hide info from Eddie. Then Bella reminds us of her trip from New Moon and that Alice lied to Jasper. Could she be doing this again? No, Bella insists. Bella can see no alternative to Alice running away from certain death. Giant surprise, Bella isn’t all that imaginative and neither are the others.
And just what’s with all the lying these people do to one another? They claim to be a close knit family and they’re supposed to have relationships so strong and pure that we regular folks gag. If that’s so then why the heck do they always lie to one another?
Take Bella and Ed for example. Ed lies to her right from the get go, first claiming he’s not interested then claiming he’s violating some sort of rules. This turns out to be false as the Culs accept Bella with open arms and not just to stick her with a needle and drain her of vital fluids. Charles claims he doesn’t want to know what’s going on. Bella convinces Jake she’s interested in him. Carl tells his patients that, why yes bloodletting is indeed the most modern treatment I know of in dealing with cancerous growths, why do you ask?
In fact the only character that tells the truth is Rose. We’re not supposed to like her because she hated on Bella until the DS incident but she was the only one who disliked her and was vocal about it.
The Culs have decided to take a cue from horror movies. No they’re not going to start ridding the metropolitan areas of vagrants to feed. They’re going to split up. Ed and Bella are going to stay home with the DS. Apparently they need to show her to the other vamps.
This is good because if we followed the bats out of the state, Otis would have to try and describe foreign places. I think we all remember how well that went when Bella went to Italy. This way Otis can just lounge about with familiar territory and advance the plot a total of zero.
Bella reveals the name that was written on the scrap of paper that we weren’t privy to. J Jenks. Don’t care and don’t want to know. Bella considers telling Jake to go away and he starts arguing with her.
Yes, the other vamps are not as ‘tolerant’ as the Cullens. They might get mad that they hang with wolves. I know, just know(ok, I hope), that Otis doesn’t mean this to be intentionally racist but I can’t help getting that kind of vibe.
So, because the other clans might react badly to a, albeit half, vampire dating an inferior werewolf they want Jake to wander off. Jake does so and agrees to come back in the morning to give them time to adjust. They’ll have to film it all and make Guess Who’s Coming to Breakfast. Maybe afterwards Ed can don a pelt to do research for a book he’s working on call Furry Like Me.
Bella decides to use Bloodgle to do a search for one J. Jenks. She finds a Jason Jenks, a lawyer with a fancy website. She does this with quick brushing movements to cover her search. Why? Has this become Mission Impossible all of a sudden? Your mission Bella, should you choose to accept it, is to look up one Jason Jenks through the internet. Should you be caught, the bureau will deny all knowledge of your activity. Of course we do that regardless so no change really.
Bella decides that she will do whatever it takes to keep DS alive. No matter what. Well, as long as it doesn’t take more effort than standing around arguing. I mean, everybody’s got to have their limits. Bella cries and so does DS. Please, oh please let a combine harvester roll over these two.
Vivisector's Writ 