Bella starts off waxing philosophically, time better spent waxing her lip, again. She goes on about taking mythology much more seriously than before. Yes because didn’t you know all mythology is based on legend which is basically fact just hidden around a corner?
Blah, blah, blah loom of fates(No stealing from God of War) blah blah. Yes I know it’s really just Greek but you and I both know that Bella is only familiar with pop culture mythology. Remember, this is the girl that had to google vampires.
What a wonderful tapestry she is part of. Everyone adds their own color to her own. Buy this one of a kind Swan rug for only three easy payments of seventy five ninety nine plus shipping and handling. Act now and you’ll get a full size bottle of Blood Blaster! The revolutionary stain cleaner for vampires. Blood Blaster, winner of the coveted Vlad’s Good Housekeeping Award of 2008. Order now! Of course Bella, it’s all about you.
Luckily Otis decides she can’t milk the whole, wow, I iz a vamper! schtick for much longer. So she does something that should have happened chapters ago, she skips ahead and gives us a summary.
Three months have passed and one of the Clearwaters is helping Charles ‘transition’ to the world of make believe. I maintain that Bella is largely psychotic and merely thinks she’s part of some made up fantasy world. She retreated into this mental place when Ed, tired of being stalked, rejected her harshly and publicly. Charlie comes to visit her in the psyche ward where she’s doped up to the gills with meds so good she thinks she’s talking to Ed all the time.
All the supporting characters so far are merely staff at this institute. Jacob is a kindly male nurse who makes pleasant conversation, Carlisle is her therapist while the rest of the ‘Cullens’ are members from group therapy. Only Ed is entirely fictional. Her dad pays regular visits hoping that, one day, she’ll come back to the real world.
Jasper is hanging around Bella a lot apparently. That’s because of her perpetual happiness and we all know that Jasper’s addicted to other peoples happiness like crack. C’mon Bella, just a little more feel good candy? Please, just marvel at your dumb luck a little more, I need it man!
I’m still hoping that Jasper is only a heartbeat away from tearing her head off, killing Ed and then the DS. Then he and Alice will run away, avoiding pursuers via Alice’s regular PlotExpress deliveries.
I’m rambling again aren’t I? I do that a lot, especially considering that nothing is happening. Hurrah for Bella, her life is perfect. Well then Otis, what’s with all these extra pages! Graghe!
DS is growing fast and the idiots are worried she’ll get old and die fast. That would be awesome because then Bella would understand loss. They mention the deus ex Legend that was created specifically for this book and think about moving. Oh and she gets a wedding present from the reVolturi.
Remember them? They’re the vampire mafia. You want I should take this fledg out back and work him over with a blessed golf club?
I so look forward to seeing the new Mrs. Cullen in person.
The flaming Aro sent that note along with a piece of the English Crown Jewels, the ones that were speculated to have been lost by John of England in 1216 AD. Why did Aro send this as a gift? Do vampires not get married much or what? Wouldn’t a box with a spring loaded boxing glove been far more appropriate? Maybe a time bomb that gave her three seconds to realize what it was before going boom.
Either way it seems like a bit of a dick move. ‘Oh Jasper, thank you for the toaster and matching blender. And we just love your handmade leather S&M outfit Jake. And what’s this? A portion of the old crown jewels of England? That’s just lovely, put them over there by the fondue pot Charles gave us.’
Bella says the note contains a masked threat. I just think he’s so excited he could wet himself in anticipation because who in their right mind doesn’t just fall over giddy at the prospect of seeing Bella freaking Cullen née Swan!
More speculation that’s supposed to be making us feel tension. If Otis was going for the kind of tense where my neck is tight and I want to hit something then she has finally achieved tension.
Bella plans on going to see Aro alone. (Oh wait, stop, don’t go without this suicide bombers vest I made for you.) See then he can’t read Bella and know that they had the DS which is forbidden no jutsu. Oh and Aro is a collector which Bella remembers from New Moon.
Does that mean Aro’s real vampire superpower is to go antiquing? ‘Next up on the Antiques Roadshow is Aro of Italy here to help us appraise this item. Can you tell us what we have here Aro?’ ‘Well James, I’m holding this absolutely fabulous crucifix from Sicily that’s just in super condition. It was used by Padre Faka Il Madupanini to drive out the vampires that plagued his hometown.’
No, it turns out that’s he treating vampires like a first edition Magic TG set. All he’s missing is one seer and a mint Black Lotus and he’ll be happy. Bella says his treasures are living, you mean undead, pieces. Oh how terrible that someone could view you as an object Bella. Kind of like how you viewed the Cullens as your passport to fantasyland.
Bella, the DS and Jake go hunting. Bella runs into Irina one of the Denali clan. Irina growls at her and runs away. The three go home and deliver the news. Ed is just shocked that anyone could not like Bella. ‘What’s not to like? You’re dull, stupid, pretty in a marble statue sort of way and as motivated as a drunken stepfather.’ Carla and Ed run after Irina to talk to her. Somehow I think this is how the reVolturi are going to hear about the DS. Just a hunch.
Vivisector's Writ 
I remember when I used to like this series. Now I know I was wrong to do so.
At least you can always look back and laugh. There are those that still take this crap serious.
You must see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/03/17/demotivational-posters-edward-watches-bella/
Oh, if only.
I’m catching up on your spork via a link from LJ (antishurtigal). I’m trying to take it in sips and make it last, but alas I am gulping down the hilarity.
HUGE points for the alternate story of Bella. *That* would be an awesome read. Double-HUGE points for the “Dogma” reference. Thanks for writing. I only read up to the first seven chapters of the first book (helped along by footnotes left by my son and his friends), and it is much healthier to read the spork.