Breaking Dawn Chapter Twenty Five

After an evening of miserable near virginal sex Bella realizes that it might be too late to simply open her wrists and slip into a tubful of warm water. Now she’ll have to stand in front of a freight train after immolating herself. Or maybe not. It seems Bella has been reminded of her responsibilities when Ed mutters DS’s name.

Wait, hold up Otis. Bella has responsibilities? Are you sure? Checking. She has no job, no schoolwork and nowhere to be. She’s held her daughter for about thirty minutes of her miserable unlife but that’s pretty well it. No Otis, I’m not seeing any of the so called responsibilities you speak of. For Bella, childcare is more of an optional thing.

Bella hints that she’s disappointed that she has to spend daylight hours looking after her daughter. How terrible that your life is being inconvenienced by anything else, especially the net result of your decisions. It’s like, there are consequences or something. Someone really should warn people about those. To the PSA mobile!

Bella checks out her room and finds dozens of garment bags. She curses Alice, Damn you clothing fairy!, and starts looking for regular clothes. Ed finds some by just following his nose. So, now he’s toucan Sam? Just follow your nose to denim and t-shirts.

The wolves have apparently wandered off for a bit and no one knows, or cares, why. Hopefully it isn’t plot related else Jake will come back all bloody and bandaged. ‘The Uruk-hai were waiting for us *cough* they…outnumbered us seven to one. We killed wave after wave and still they kept coming. Tell my groomer *cough, wheeze* I always loved the *HACK* poodle cut.’

Rose and Emmett make a few lame jokes because Bella and Ed don’t make enough noise in the bedroom. Suddenly Alice freaks out that Jake is coming back. I guess ol’ yeller told Charles.

And what exactly did Jake tell Forks’ version of Barney Fife? That Bella has joined the ranks of the undead? That the Cullens are in Satan’s army? That Bella has just gotten back from a raver’s convention so she might appear to sparkle in the sunlight? Who knows! That’s the beauty of Otis’s details. Sometimes she’ll tell you the most banal things and skip others with no rhyme or reason.

Jake steps in like the energetic neighbor in a sitcom. ‘Heeeyyy Bella, it’s your favorite transhuman!’ Bella pretends to be mad at him for ‘endangering Charlie’. Jake mocks her concern citing the author gifts she’s been given.

Ed decides he has to make the author avatar feel good about herself by telling Jake how much pain she’ll be in. Oh, how tragic for Bella. She’ll have to sit in front of her edible snack father and try not to eat him. Why it’d be such a shame if she popped his head off like a pez dispenser and drank the fountain of blood which will blossom in its place. Who wants a vampire to act like a vampire? I mean, what is this? A vampire novel?

Jake didn’t tell Charlie anything. No he just stripped down in front of the guy and turned into a wolf. Because Charlie didn’t faint this makes him strong or some crap. Not everyone is as delicate as Bella, the only person who would pass out at seeing the sun rise.

Bella isn’t satisfied with a summary of what happened though. She makes Jake tell her what he said, verbatim. So now we get ‘treated’ to Jake saying what he did earlier in the day. Jake says he told Charles that Bella’s not sick and now she looks more like Esme than her mother. Charles asks if she too can turn into an animal but Jake says he’s the only one that morphs into a muppet.

When Jake tries to tell Charles more details he interrupts and tells Jake he doesn’t want to know. I’ll bet this will be the response he’ll give when he stops by the Cullen place. ‘I see you’re a bit shinier than you were before Bella. No, don’t let me in on details. I wasn’t concerned when you were growing up and I’m not concerned now. I’ll be fishing if anyone needs me.’

And yes that’s about the size of it. Why Chuck doesn’t want to know what’s up with his only living child is beyond me. I’m hoping that Charles is feigning ignorance and that he’s loading a crossbow cannon at home. He’ll kick in the door to the Cullen house and pin them all to the walls like an etymologist gone mad. Also of note, they’re going to pretend that the DS is an adopted child.

Bella and Jake smile, laugh and quickly go back to being friends. Whew! Again I was worried there for a moment. Just the threat of werewolf versus vampire action makes me feel weak. It’s good that Otis doesn’t try to bring about undue tension for too long lest she kill the faint of heart like herself.

Deus Ex Alice hands Bella some contacts. It’s a good thing Alice can see the future and prepares for it. She’s like the Q of the series were Bella is like the best friend of the throw away girl Bond lays and forgets about. I still say Charles wouldn’t notice anyway but Bella puts them in. Alice says they might irritate Bella’s eyes and that the ‘venom’ in her eyes will break them down. So everything in a vamps body is this ‘venom’ now. What the hell Otis, are you ripping off Aliens now? Quick, someone gut Bella so we can see if her blood eats through the floor!

Also, aren’t vamps super resilient and stony and all that jazz? How can a couple pieces of thin plastic bother her eyes? If anything Bella will scratch them up as she puts them in. Caught you again Otis.

The vamps coach her on how to appear human, something Bella couldn’t do normally. There’s some pointless banter. Charles looks around and hmms a bit while mentally doubling the amount of garlic he’s going to buy tonight. Of course he pretends he doesn’t want to know what’s up. He’d rather be a happy member of the sheeple.

Being as Charles is two dimensional he has nothing to talk about with his daughter or son in law. They sit around being awkward until Emmett updates Chaz on the game. Emmett makes a joke about scoring and Charles misses it because he’s just not cut out for it. The chapter closes with Chaz oblivious and practically written out of the series for good.

<<Chapter Twenty Four

Chapter Twenty Six>>

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3 Responses to Breaking Dawn Chapter Twenty Five

  1. Erin says:

    I’m so glad someone else noticed that dear ol dad was written out Of the book so quickly. Just wait by the end of the book chuckles has hooked up with his recently deceased best mates missus – WTF?

    It’s like smeyer can’t actually put into words what happens to people outside cooking and cleaning for a man…. What? Writing about a real relationship too hard for her? Clearly…

    Smeyer you have ensured an entire generation of girls will grow up dreaming of absolutely nothing, no dreams, goals or skills.

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